Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Marching in limbo with MLC H (2)

Thanks, R2C. Yes, I'm back to being dark. That R text convo was an aberration.

Speaking of emotional release, here we go. Here's what I'm telling myself to keep my head straight:

The OPs do not matter. They are bandaids. They are just one of the many indications of how much emotional turmoil H is in, just one of the many unhealthy ways he's dealing with his unhappiness. He's looking for solutions everywhere except within.

I own my side of street in my relationship. Equally, I know that I have nothing to do with this crisis. I didn't break him, I can't fix him. He has a lot of issues stemming from childhood, unrealistic expectations, and poor coping mechanisms. He needs professional help, and he needs to seek it for himself. God willing, he will do that eventually. That is entirely up to him, and it's really not my problem if he does not face his issues in the end. This is his journey. None of this is my fault.

I have too much self-respect to be in a relationship with a lying, cheating, impulsive, neurotic, selfish, and irrational person. That is who H is at this moment, with all his flaws and issues coming up in full force, crowding out his good qualities. I will not be dragged around by his craziness. I'm leaving him behind to live my wonderful life.

Yes, I have a wonderful life even now, even with these challenging circumstances. I've been dealt a huge blow, but I am happy. Yes, I am in pain, of course I am, H hurt me deeply. Yet underneath this pain is a profound contentment with my choices, because I live in accordance with my values. I have a steely core of strength and integrity.

I'm also trying to visualize my new life. How I will decorate my new apartment once I eventually find it. The pets I will adopt. The freedom of not being tied to Country B (or Country C or wherever H's escapist fantasies might lead him), because I can follow my career anywhere.

Someone new might come into my life. That person will be amazing, because I won't settle for less. Oh, he will be an imperfect human, of course, but he will have the strength to weather life's storms with me, to work through tough times together.

This is completely normal. It will happen again. It’s part of the rollercoaster. Know that we’ve ALL been through it.

When it happens, don’t let it control your thoughts. This is the steps I do to manage it:

1. Wow, I miss my old life/house and having the kids around us both 24/7.
2. I wonder how great it would have been if we were still together.
3. Hang on, here comes that weird feeling again.
4. This is the emotional part of my brain directing thoughts. I won’t let it takeover. I’ll let the rational, measured part of my brain control my thoughts.
5. She is a freak show
6. My kids are better off and happier now that we’re apart
7. My new partner is amazing and a much better match
8. I should have divorced her years ago

When you can step out of your own brain and look at your thoughts from the viewpoint of another person, you’ll quickly identify whether they’re emotion or rationally driven thoughts. It will help control those times when you feel like crumbling (which is generally when you’re tired, hungry, overwhelmed and in the middle of the night).

Kind18, that is excellent advice. Thank you. I needed that, especially today, with my mind reeling from the confirmation of the affairs.

Take care marching this is very difficult.

H texted and followed up on our R talk from two days ago. I did not DB well in that R talk and want to get back on track.

(The first rule of the DB club is, you DO NOT talk about R. The second rule of the DB club is, you DO NOT talk about R!!!)

There are two parts to this communication:
1) Update on a bank transfer. (The R talk began because I asked for money for my moving costs—H previously said to tell him when I could use help).

2) Long, rambling message from H about his suffering.

The gist:
It was good to talk to me (he said this during the R talk too—I didn't prompt it). He says I'm right in pointing out that he's unhappy, and our conversation made him feel even worse about himself. He feels terrible for kicking me out of my home (yes, he literally said "your home") and will feel bad about it for the rest of his life. He didn't do it to hurt me, he did it so he could pull away. When he thinks back on our arguments, which were infrequent, he often felt that he was in the wrong and felt guilty and that made him feel bad. He's not saying he wasn't in the wrong in those arguments, but he just doesn't want to feel bad. He doesn't want to feel worse than he already does and wants to protect himself; he's just trying to get by and is having a hard time. He repeatedly says that he's not saying he's in a worse place than I am. He hopes that some of what he's saying makes sense to me.

(No mention of the cheating lmao)

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Some reflections on his message (not going to incorporate any of this in my response, just thinking out loud):

Very uncharacteristically for him, the formatting and punctuation were sloppy.

He is very depressed and of course has some serious issues, which we already knew. Being in a real relationship makes him have to face his flaws and he can't handle it. I think he is forgetting that I also apologized for my [censored] during our arguments, too, and it wasn't all on him (probably more than 50% was, though, because he's very neurotic, would get angry over small things, tended raise his voice, and could be very sarcastic). He feels bad about how he treated me, but he didn't hurt me intentionally, it's just that he's in so much pain. He just wants to stuff all his crap deep inside and not have to deal with anything.

I feel only an abstract sympathy. It must be really horrible to feel the way he does. But he's dealing with it in a destructive way. He's so, so broken.

Also it is clear from this that, as everyone says, the OP really is a fantasy—apparently he hasn't had any arguments with her that have made him feel bad. But the fantasy still isn't making him happy.

Can I even trust anything he's saying? ("Believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do.")

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What to do?

I'm thinking that I will thank him for the update on the the bank transfer. Not sure how to respond to his message about his suffering though. Feels callous to only acknowledge the money stuff and not his suffering.

How is this:
"I hear that you are in a lot of pain. It may be helpful to talk to a therapist."

How much support should I give to someone who is in an affair and wants to D me???

^Funny how quickly sitches can develop. It was just a few days ago I said I'd cross the Bridge of Cake Eating when I come to it. The affairs were not confirmed and I was nowhere near friendship with H. And now he wants me to understand his woe?

Zero support.

Simple validation. “I’m sorry you’re ………

Remember you didn’t break him and you can fix him.

I think a good exercise is to write down what you feel you contributed to the break down of the marriage. I get the sense you believe this is all on him/MLC which is never the case.

I agree w/LH. Do not lend your shoulder for an H who is D'ing you to cry on. You feeling callous to only acknowledge the money aspect is your Nice Guy Syndrome (NGS) coming out. It's your natural reaction to be supportive and caring and compassionate but you should cut that off for someone who is treating you with disrespect. Keep your response brief. Only address the money component, and do a brief validation of the feelings if needed.

the most important thing for you to realize is you've been fired as a spouse. once you realize that, you'll understand exactly the amount of support you want to give someone who fired you.

I'm not suggesting to react in a vindictive manner. I'm saying look at this pragmatically, not emotionally.