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Mikey P before I went through my situation I use to think that people who got divorced must have had serious issues in their marriage like abuse, addiction, infidelity etc. After many years of research I think that most marriages end not because one of the major things I mentioned but because of death by a thousand paper cuts. These episodes of anger explosions, passive aggressiveness, verbal digs eventually lead to loss of attraction and the other spouse feeling they can never be happy in this relationship because they don’t trust that things can ever change.

Your last blow up just reassured your W that she is right that you will never change. Your best chance to turn this around is to take the focus of your W and put it 100% on you and your kids. Focus on making the changes you need to make moving forward for YOU.

Learning to control your emotions is big for a man. Start there.

BL- I have definitely been working on the anger issues. I realized it quite awhile before BD. I know where it comes from. I was raised by a mom that would fly off the handle at the least little thing. I tend to do the same. It's not a matter of being mad and staying mad. I'll blow up over something and then it passes. Not blaming my mom, I'm an adult and know better. It's the model I had and that's what I learned. The one good thing is that I don't act that way with my W or kids.Thanks.

I have issues due to my Dad, deep issues, causes me to pop off verbally.. But it wasnt animated, no physical.
I like the way you recognize it and know being adult you need to deal with it..

Nah...

They went out kicking and screaming....lol

I've heard from mutual people that Rob saved his marriage for a time, then it ended by what I do believe was his decision. I could be wrong on that though. I didn't know him personally. Just what I had heard.

Allen, I'm not sure about. Although he did merge off and create a forum promoting anti DB methods (in a roundabout way). Which had a few followers for a very short amount of time.

There was a purge here around 2010 that wiped out a lot of people that were promoting anti DB philosophy, and the brow-beatings by them were horrid. I know it's just the internet, yet it was ugly. There was a lot of promotion of dating while separated, mass exposure, etc. And if one didn't follow the advice of the brow beater, then they were terrible humans, and a worthless waste of time. If one would have even the smallest of disagreement, then there would be a gaggle of people chiming in on how terrible, weak, and pathetic the person was for not following their advice..

Some of their advice was pretty good, mostly about getting into the mindset and GAL off the charts.


I think a lot of what eventually happened was, that with the hard out of the gate, kick 'em to the curb version of DBing, the WAS had no other options but to re-commit to the marriage out of shame and financial restraints, yet it was a façade, and wasn't real. A lot of them returned only to reboot and plan another escape. Sex starved marriages for the LBS and other related issues.

I remember reading them and thinking....I would rather my spouse chose to come back , rather than I was the 'no other option' plan....if that makes sense.

I respected their efforts, it just wasn't a way that would work for "me"....

It felt like 'cookie cutter' advice with an effortless Alpha answer to every question. It could work for some, yet not for all.

One poster that is on the Mt Rushmore of DBing for me was Chocolateeyes/PuppyDogTails/Starsky.

He did a hard line of DBing right out of the gate. He did reconcile, and they are doing very well. However, there were a lot of hard years of rebuilding from her affair. SSM had always been an issue for them and it became an even bigger issue after that for a long time. A lot of anger and resentment about the betrayal of trust, etc..

I do know him personally, and he is living what he posted here, everyday with his wife....

Spend some time in the archives and find him, or Coach.




There is a huge difference between a walk away and a fence sitter(MLC). I think the confusion is what separates the two.

I agree that his situation is different...

Not better or worse, just different....

And with any situation, advice should be as unique and different as the person going through it.

Happy Retirement Mike!

Thanks! Hasn’t sunk in yet. Very bittersweet leaving work for the last time yesterday. I kept finding things to do 😁

When I retired the first time, I was at my new job, lol.
Grands/adult children still keep me busy..
House always needs something.
But you need hobbies.

I’ll be back to work in an month or so. Already looking for another job. Like you said, a million things to do around the house.

Only skimmed the new posts, but I believe anger is a perfectly fine emotion as long as you channel that energy into something positive. When it becomes an issue is when you become violent. Most of my change of view stemmed from reading defoore book on the subject.

We let our house be a safe place for our kids to express the "Scary" emotions.

Someone posted a link to a guy giving his account of mlc and what it was like. I would like to read it again. I don’t remember his name, can anyone share it again?