Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers WW Help (3)

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https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2941239&#Post2941239

This is the second time you have proposed an ultimatum message. I’ll say it again, it’s not going to work. Every time you send an emotional or blackmailing type message (if you do X then I’ll do Y) your marriage is less likely to be saved.

I really think you need to go back to DB basic principles..

Rather than write some long winded, manipulative message, and given you are telling her above that this relationship is not working for you, perhaps try sending her this instead:

“I don’t want to be in this relationship any more and will be ending this marriage.”

I appreciate the feedback Kind. I understand and will continue to DB hard core and if it comes if/when I need to get out it Will be direct or will just act not talk.

I still question my 180s sometimes. During the marriage she complained about being controlling and hard headed. I was definitely a nice guy and codependent. The actions of dropping the rope, NC and GAL to not be around seem like they could come off the wrong way. After BD it was definitely trying to talk my way back and looking weak. I think this is why I struggle. I do realize that it is counterintuitive and will continue the process. I’m glad I found these boards to bounce thoughts off of everybody before acting. I’ve always been reactive.

Tonight will be tough, it’s first night here where all kids will be with her. I will praying and utilizing my program, using my resources and reading Hold On To Your Nuts. I have The Four Agreements, Art Of Seduction, Rules of the Game, and Fathered by God all on deck. I think I’ve read more books the last two months than in the last 30 years.

Thank you all again.

Thanks Trav

Thanks for the reply!

I am willing to follow rules to a T. I’m ready to create the Me I am meant to be.

This reply interests me and would love to hear more about your sitch. Do you have a link to your story?

“I fire an employee when their behavior is unacceptable. You propose words without apparent action. While it irks some people when I say so, I revived a relationship here for a couple of years, and I have an XW who wants me back. See Sand's Rules, which are pinned and take a more positive and less wordy approach to salvaging relationships--“

F,

If you were a control freak then you’re struggling because you are feeling the loss of control. Your brain doesn’t like that so it’s trying to get you to pursue your W and get her to apologize and to recommit to the marriage so you feel in control again. That’s why you are thinking up these false ultimatums. That’s what this is all about. It has nothing to do with your W. She’s just a lever to get you what you want which is to feel in control again. With time and distance you will see this clearly.

If you take the focus off your w that will give her time to think. Until you do this you will certainly continue to suffer.

The four agreements is a quick read. Read it every few weeks for a while. Every time I read it, I get something new.

Thanks R2C

Quick help with a response on this. W flight canceled. Now she is wanting to buy an outrageously priced ticket or ride home with us. So she can be home by Wed. She started by asking if I could leave tomorrow. I said No, then she sent these. Haven’t responded yet. This was the flight she had to have for her sobriety. Not sure what the hurry is to be home on Wed. But whatever. I don’t really want her to ride with us home, but also don’t want to pay an absurd amount of that she will throw on the card. Suggestions?

W- You can’t leave tomorrow? (10:08p)
H- No (10:29p)
W- Why? (10:29p)
W- then I want to drive straight through Weds (10:29p)
W- I’ll drive half the trip (10:31p)
W- You’re gonna have to rent a u haul or something (10:54p)
W- Did you send Jammie’s or clothes? (For s6) (10:55p)
H- Should have some in the bag i packed the other night (11:16)
Just received…. W- Did you see my text about me driving part of the way and a u haul? There will be another person and more luggage (11:24p)

Thanks for any feedback, not in a hurry to answer

FM,
If I had to make this decision I would think long and hard about what it would be like for not only me but more importantly my kids to be stuck with this raving lunatic on a long car ride.

To me, it would be worth any amount of $$$ to send her crazy self-absorbed @$$ packing on an airplane so I could have a peaceful drive home and quality time with my children.

But, you know your finances better than I do.

Remember, the non-monetary price of her presence might be higher than the cost of the ticket, to all of you.

^^^ also, you would be sending a strong message that you'd rather not drive with her ...

Great job reading those resources. Sounds like you're doing the work. Keep it up!

Is it possible there's an OM factor in being home by Wednesday?

I'd stick to the timeline which works best for you and the kids, regardless of her interests. Do you own a second car? If so, tell her she can drive that if riding along with you on your timeline doesn't work for her.