Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What to do 4

Merry Christmas Mike

And all the best as you head into a new year and a new “career”.

D

I've come to the conclusion that I need some anger management help. The day of my last post we had a pretty big blow up. I needed her to sign a paper for my upcoming retirement. Needed it done asap so I could scan and upload it. She didn't want me to come to her work. Was afraid I would see OM and it would be awkward. I didn't handle it well. We argued on the phone and at home later that day. Eventually I apologized. Anything concerning om sets me off. I feel it coming and just don't stop the anger. I know I'm wrong, but I keep letting her work situation get to me. Something I read yesterday from either RobX or Allen? hit home. I felt/feel like such a fool that this has happened, and I don't want to feel like a fool again. Not an excuse, it just sums up how I feel. It's like I don't want them to think they are pulling the wool over my eyes again. I know that can be changed by better DBing-detachment, I'm just not there yet. I'm not one to make New Years resolutions but I think I am this year. #1 is to get back on track with my eating habits. #2 is to focused on DBing. I've been doing a half assed job and I know it. It's so difficult having her around all the time and acting like things are good. I know deep down things are not perfect, but others have it way worse. It is confusing and makes it hard to stay the course. Talk is cheap, got to buckle down. I have been doing a good job of giving her space and doing my own thing.

1/1 starts a new chapter in my life. I've laid out a pretty good plan for how I want things to be. I will get up every morning and take d13 to school, go to the gym or run when I get home, eat and then work on my house. Lots of painting, carpet replacement and several doors need replacing. Hoping to get back into the work force in either Feb. or March. All while working on my DBing. Tomorrow is my last day at work, actually half day, and then I'm retired. 1/1 I'm officially retired and it's my 51st birthday. 1/2 I get to work. I have recently started thinking a lot about what my life looks like if we don't reconcile. It makes me sad, but it doesn't scare me near as much as it used to. I have accepted that I won't die, and life will go on. Not trying to minimize the effect it would have on me, just think I'm accepting the possibility.

I think it takes a lot of courage to look at yourself and say there's a problem and I'm going to change it. Good job!

MikeP,

Congrats on retirement and happy birthday! Not bad to be free at 51! I like your game plan for 1/2, taking D13 to school, working out, and fixing up the house. Now make it happen.

It terms of the anger, it's good you're recognizing the need for help. I certainly understand the thought of OM setting you off. The thing is, you're going to need to deal w/that anger regardless of whether you and W reconcile or divorce. Either way it's going to be there, so best to proactively seek out positive ways to address and process it.

Hang in there. You'll get through this.

Thanks bttrfly and BL42. I think I've always known that I have anger issues, it was easier to justify being angry than to do something about it. My anger has always been an issue for W. I didn't express it towards her the way I do others, but it has still been a problem. Where I would get angry, yell, cuss, etc. at others I would keep it in and give her the silent treatment somehow thinking that was better. She is the type that thinks someone raising their voice a little indicates anger versus just being animated or excited. I have been much better since BD. I told myself then that I needed to change and have done a decent job. Far from perfect but better.

Rob and Allen were pretty hard line guys. Their advice was pretty good for a particular situation. I don't see you there just yet. However, I am glad that you got something from them. What I got most from them was the "mindset" of what DBing looks like, and how quickly they got to that mindset. I think the issue from them that eventually got them both banned from here was the "browbeating" other posters into their way of thinking, too quickly.






Something that I've noticed with you...

You use the word "but" quite often in your posts...

Something that was beat into my head early was the word "but". I was just as guilty of using it, and not even realizing it.

"But" allows you to be the exception to the rule. It is a built in excuse for whatever situation that you are using it in.

the true definition is

used to introduce a phrase or clause contrasting with what has already been mentioned.

Every time I see the word "but" it invalidates everything preceding it.

I know it's wrong, BUT I couldn't help myself.....

When in reality, I prolly could have helped myself, I just CHOSE to not help myself...

I highlighted one in the first quote box from you, and I could prolly find a dozen more if you want me too...


This might seem trivial ...

I just think that you are allowing too many excuses by using the word "but"...

Recognizing the pattern, will help you change the pattern....




Watch your thoughts because they become your words...

Watch your words because they become your actions...

Watch your actions because they become your behavioral patterns....

Watch your behavioral patterns because they become your character....


Go back and find the "buts" and see how you could have done better...


As Cadet will tell you, the "but" police patrolled this place pretty regularly a few years back....

Good Morning Mike

“But”. Your mind is listening. And invalidating your efforts towards the very thing you are trying to overcome. Just like you are asking it to. Use “and”.

Also, “but” keeps us in the realm of trying, instead of doing and accomplishing.


Another item for your consideration:


Nope.

Your emotions and feelings are more unwanted. They are not wrong or bad, so give yourself permission to feel them. They are valid, and just are. How one behaves due to their feelings - their reactions, responses, and words spoken are what’s accountable.

Of course you’re angry. It’s not wrong. It’s part of grief and certainly a normal healthy response due to an OM being present. Work through your emotions. Get to the other side of them. “And” let go her work situation.

Those are two different avenues which currently are still entangled by you. Uncouple them, and put your efforts into what you can control. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Sweat out the anger. It’s not about stopping it. At times you do need to delay it. Then process it in a healthy manner, like going for a run, or a punching bag, or some other physical activity. Folks usually require some muscle group effort to release pent up feelings. Talking only goes so far. Best to get in front of that need and even schedule some activity before things become overwhelming and boil over.

Second, let go that which you cannot control. You cannot directly control her work situation. You can control you. Through thoughts and the above activity, you can influence your emotional tie regarding OM. It’s about creating new pathways and severing (letting them extinguish by not reinforcing) the triggering ones. Detaching.

Through your efforts, you influence yourself and those unwanted emotions and triggers alter and/or expire.

D

Mach- I could definitely tell that I'm not ready for the hard-core approach of those two. Like you said, I do like the mindset. What I really took from it was the thought about feeling foolish and not wanting to feel that way again. It clicked. That is a problem for me. A problem I have to handle.
I get what you are saying about using "but" too much. Believe it or not I have been trying to improve on that. I'll work harder. Thanks.

Well, now that you've written it out, you are accountable to yourself to do better....

I also think that the feeling 'foolish' will fade in time. You have to remember that you did the best that you could with the tools that you had at that time...

Love is about trust, and trusting blindly at times. Just because you didn't immediately recognize the pattern that was being set, doesn't mean that you were foolish by missing it.

You trusted your long time wife to NOT cheat.....

Doesn't necessarily make it right or wrong....

In a normal healthy marriage, is it foolish to not trust your spouse/partner ?

If you are loving another correctly, then the answer should be a resounding 'no'....

Focus in on what you can change that you don't like about yourself...

And finding out why you are a "but" man might be a good start....

So this is a perfect example of the type of introspection which is critical for the LBS to make changes within themselves in order to be a better person and partner if the WAS/WS does come back.

MikeP it's totally normal and reasonable to be angry about OM, and you need to deal with and process that in a healthy positive way, but if you've always had anger issues even better the affair, than that's a perfect area for 180. First, stop the immediate term anger at W. It's going to take her a long time to believe the changes because you've acted that way for so long, but the sooner you start the change the better. Then address the longer term. Read materials, talk to IC...etc. to get to the root of it and fix it for good. You want to learn why you have those anger issues (something earlier in life?), learn how to better express your frustrations and disappointments...etc. so you don't get resentful or let it build, and finally learn how to process and deal with it in a healthy positive manner when it does come. Like I said, plenty of books and resources and IC can help.

And btw, passive-aggressive and silent treatment is a huge issue in a relationship - it's not just OK because you weren't yelling or screaming - you should read and learn about that too.

MikeP it sounds like you recognize this and have start to make steps to correct it. That is a good thing. It can be common for the LBS to gloss over areas of improvement and focus on the WAS/WS bad actions. If you're truly self-reflecting and willing to work on yourself you'll become a much better partner in the long run. And kudos to you if you do that.

Interesting. No idea they were banned - just figured they fell off over time. And yet they actually saved their marriages? Seems like it'd be good to have their advice around here.

I agree. Can't compare MikeP directly to Rob and Allen, because I wasn't around to read the details of their sitches, but Mike's W is back and at least saying she wants to R. Even if OM is at work - which is a real threat - it's different (better?) than most here.

The mindset thing is huge, and perhaps difficult to understand at first. Flipping the power, changing your mindset, act AS IF...etc. are REAL things, not just some made up psycho babble. The sooner newbies get into the "I'm the prize and I'm moving on in my own direction in life without them and it's going to be awesome and they'll be lucky to crawl back" mindset the better.