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Well I think the magical word here is "thought" you had.

Because I think when the newness of it all is over people are people. I am on my 4th exclusive relationship since my D. All 4 were great girls in there own way and my exw was a great girl at one point. When it is all said and done they all have good points and flaws. The key point and probably what I should have said is "treated better". This is why I think so many people who left, years down the road think "I wish I would have tried harder". Since no one is perfect it is best to be with the mother/father of your children.
We see this a lot on the board where this gets forgotten real quickly. Doug54 comes to mind.

I have said this a dozen times on here. Being alone is a thousand times better than leaving in limbo.

Personally, I do not think you have changed enough. OM is not the issue.

How different are you from the day you arrived? How different are you from BD day? How different will you be on 4/2/23?


This has nothing to do with your W. It has everything to do with you and your behavior. Including how you interact with others and specifically with your W.

Well and I always try to be brutally honest, fair and accurate. I was not “Mr. Mom” taking care of the house and having dinner in the table for wife and kids, I just happened to work from home - and I did work a lot. I was a full time executive director plus ran the local fire department and did a few band gigs here and there, though a fraction of what I currently do. I could have been a better husband. I fully admit that. But it’s also not lost on me she was here and pretending to be happy until 2 days after her youngest’s graduation party. Then she dropped the bomb and right or wrong I was shocked.


I’m so in total agreement here. I’ll add that on balance I’m still happier than I was, on while married. It’s mostly just social things and travel I miss. Otherwise I don’t have anyone fighting with me, upset with me, bickering with me. I can do what I want when I want. If a friend or group calls and says hey we’re doing fill in the blank Saturday my answer is never, “let me check with the wife”. Heck even at the big Christmas show production I did, I had a hotel room by myself. So did the woman of the couple who hired me while her husband stayed in their tour bus. I kid you not. Clearly married in name only. He probably totally envies me.

So there is no perfect answer. It’s just that woman typically run the social calendar side of an R. She plans it and the guy just shows up. I miss that. I miss having someone to go to concerts with or plays or, yes cruises. Although my date a few weeks ago said she goes to baseball games by herself especially when discount tickets go on sale. She runs a meetup group of people who go check out different restaurants, which is somewhat how I met her. D’d for 26 years, no kids and very clearly very independent. Is totally fine being single. I get the feeling she’s dating only because she’s feeling pushed to or is pushing herself to at least try. I was the second guy she was out with THIS YEAR. It’s December.

Before I babble too much further my point is I fully agree people can be happy after D. I certainly am. But I’ve yet to realize the “I found someone so much better” because I have not and I dint see others hitting that milestone either.


ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!!! In fact this is what MWD hits heavy on. Yet how many, especially women, will file for D this year thinking that’s their ticket to finally finding happiness.

LH19,
What do you mean by this?

No doubt. 100% accurate. However, perhaps saving the marriage would be better than living alone, and if waiting in limbo helps facilitate the former...

DonH,
So you think she used you to help raise her two young kids? Do you think that was the plan from the start, or at some point over the years thought she wanted out but decided to wait until they graduated?

Unless there's abuse or something major, likely better for all involved (W, H, and kids) to work it out. Yet unfortunately that's not what happens all too often.

MikeP,
R2C makes a good point. The most important part of this process - and the only thing you can control - is improving yourself and becoming a better person. Don't waste all your time focusing on W and OM...make sure you're making your self-improvement you #1 priority.

More likely the later. She really would never tell me. She did say to several friends she got married for the wrong reasons. It was her who pushed for the marriage most certainly not me. Although in the first year or two of dating it’s pretty hard to deny she was very much in love with and wanted to be with me. In hindsight there were red flags I missed together with those I ignored. But as in many sitchs there were many and multiple things that intertwined. We both did things wrong but what could not be changed and what I less understood was her childhood with an alcoholic father who died in front of her from a heart attack when she was a teenager. She had codependent, self esteem issues but hid it well. She was rarely honest about how she felt, what she wanted, but I thought she was honest. I Remember times where it would be weeks later and she’d finally say “I was really mad at you” for something I did or said many weeks prior. She said she’s great at being independent and doing things on her own when the truth was she wanted to see me 24/7, needed my and everyone else’s attention and approval - the attention and approval she craved but never received from her father.

As her self esteem improved along with more and more work success, she changed and put less and less effort into the M. By now I had bailed her out of her upside down house and home equity mortgage - it cost into five figures to close on the sale of her house but we were married. I was already pretty financially accomplished along with being CEO of one organization and president of another. I’m sure the security I provided was part of her attraction. Yet she was still searching for happiness. “Let’s remodel the house, that will make me happy.” But it didn’t. Then let’s build a deck, then she wants a sorts car. Then a different job. She was always searching for something to make her happy. Then it was a baby - something I was clear I was not wanting at 40.

So I’d surmise she was thinking exit for at least a few years prior. But if I wasn’t able to see through her lies and hiding her true feelings before whether I should have or not, she continued to hide it. It’s hard to see waiting until her youngest was out of high school and more or less moving off on his own to cut and run not being a very conscious one. I’ve often wondered if she didn’t try to get pregnant as well and then would have just said, oh whoops sometimes BC fails. She later became pregnant at like 46 I think and miscarried - this was after D. Then tried to do a private adoption that failed, followed by finally adopting a Downs baby. I find it hard to believe this was not part of her new plan, because she would not get a baby with me so did it a different way.


Probably way more than you were looking for but since my story is over 15 years old, there’s a bit of a refresher for today’s participants.

I'll take this to my thread in Surviving.

This is great. Except that you need to change that last sentence. if 4/2/23 is the drop dead date, then you need to have a clear action ahead of you. "If nothing has changed (what?) I will have to decide if I'm willing to stay the course." Wishy-washy.

Here was how mine looked and I put it right in my signature. "I have decided to give her 1 year from BD. If on 12/23/2018 she isn't fully committed back to the marriage, I will go file for D myself!"

See the difference. Clear expectation (she being committed back to the marriage in totality) then clear action (I would go file for D myself).

You're right, I would need to be more clear. I guess at this point I'm not committed to that so I am being wishy washy. I hate to think about it because in the end I do want it to work. It seems like if an entire year passes and she isn't ready to commit, she never will be. I know 1 year is just an arbitrary length of time, but if a year isn't enough time what is? Maybe at that point me wanting out will be what lights a fire under her azz. Don't know, just rambling.

Of course I have changed. If I was the same guy as I was prior to BD I would have never stuck it out. I treat her as if she didn't do any of this crap 99.9% of the time. I've changed my lazy behaviors and how I interact with W. Please elaborate on how this has nothing to do with W or the om. How I interact with others? My behavior? You make it sound as if I'm some giant a-hole, treating everyone badly. Maybe I'm just not understanding your point.