Imo it's fair of GF to ask you communicate about your son's illness, especially if he's going to come around near her and the baby later that week. However, if she's really just using that as a way to keep him away and drive a wedge between you that is a serious issue you can't accept and need to have firm boundaries on. I've said this before...while her and your baby are priorities your other children have to be priorities as well. She has to accept you have other children and her baby isn't the ONLY priority on your list, or it'll never work between you.
As for the cleaning...do your fair share but don't be a martyr and allow her to manipulate you into doing everything.
I agree w/others the way this is going you need to consult a L ASAP to understand your rights and how child support plays out with multiple kids with two Exs.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I think it's pretty simple - you need to step back and really think about what you want, both in terms of relationships with your children as well as in terms of a romantic partnership. Forget about her and her shenanigans - really focus on what YOU want. Once you get that figured out, you can then compare it to your present reality. You'll then know the next steps you need to take.
I'd also consult a father's rights lawyer to see where you stand, just as a point of information. We can't make the best decision without all the information needed.
When's your next couples' therapy session? Can you get an emergency session? Can you speak with the counselor individually? If you want gf to get out, can you say that in a therapy session and then work out in that session the steps that she needs to take to leave, including a time line. Can you also set up something so there's minimal chance of either of you acting out - a neutral third party, or someone who will act as a witness that there's no abuse going on as she leaves?
Does any of this make sense to you?
I really want it to work. I can’t imagine having 2 baby mamas and working out 2 schedules. I have a hard time of letting go. I try and I try and I try. Till I have nothing left to give.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Basically you told her to leave which means she will be taking the baby. May have not been the wisest move. You should have just held to your boundaries, had you son over, quite cleaning everything, etc. and if she didn’t like it, she could leave.
What an awful situation.
That probably would have been the best route to go. Just do my thing and if she was still not happy, she could just leave. My biggest problem in my life and it’s always been, I am very indecisive.
Originally Posted by bttrfly
basically Wolfman, what I'm reiterating is that we cannot control anyone else, we can only control ourselves. Things have always worked out better for me when I've taken the other person out of the equation and focused on myself - my thoughts, actions, wants and needs.
In other words - instead of REacting to someone else's behavior, putting the focus back on myself affords me an opportunity to be PROactive about what my next steps in life should be.
I hope this helps.
A lot of times I only care how others feel. I hate making others feel bad or that I let them down. So a lot of times I just suck it up and worry about the other person.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
And btw - I can relate to not being able to get all the cleaning done when busy watching a toddler, but to do NONE of it? That's kinda crazy.
I understand not being able to do it all. But none to me is unacceptable. She refuses to put the baby in the play pen. She is very efficient and moves fast. Putting the baby in the play pen for just 15 minutes she could get a lot done. Example: empty dishwasher, clean out sink from what she cooks during the day, some of the baby toys. That’s all I am asking, not expecting vacuuming and mopping or anything like that. Basically just clean up after herself and a little of the baby.
Originally Posted by BL42
Wolfman,
Imo it's fair of GF to ask you communicate about your son's illness, especially if he's going to come around near her and the baby later that week. However, if she's really just using that as a way to keep him away and drive a wedge between you that is a serious issue you can't accept and need to have firm boundaries on. I've said this before...while her and your baby are priorities your other children have to be priorities as well. She has to accept you have other children and her baby isn't the ONLY priority on your list, or it'll never work between you. Exs.
She has a hard time understanding that my son is a priority. In her words yesterday she is my woman and she should take priority. I told her I am sorry but kids take a priority. I’m not saying she is nothing, but there are times I will have to manipulate schedules so I can see my son. I said who is a priority for her. Melt the baby? She said he is a baby. I said fine, what about if we broke up and the baby is 12, and your boyfriend said forego seeing your son to clean a house would you? I got a blank stare. That little guy is her world, it drives me nuts she knows the truth but won’t admit to it.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
She didn’t leave last night. We had a long talk. She apologized for many of the things she has done. How she speaks to me, he fits of anger, how affectionate she is. But to me those are just words. Let’s see if these are real changes. She likes to say, she wants to feel like my woman. And when she says that she refers to her and my son. Making her a priority. So I said to her, make me feel like your man. Appreciate how hard I work, appreciate what I give to this family. I said to her when was the last time I did a single thing for me. I am always doing something for her or my 2 sons. When I asked that question, she said nothing. I said really tell me the last time I did something for myself. I even go to the gym at 5am this way I can be home after work to help her with the baby. I hate getting g up that early. She had nothing to say and then said I don’t remember the last time you did something for yourself. I get up at 4:30 am and go till 9pm everyday. What more does she want for me. I made her aware from day 1 I had kids and they were active. I guess she is realizing that a parents life with active kids is dedicated to the kids 95% of the time. She doesn’t agree with that. But she says that because it’s not her son who is active. If she can ever learn to make my son to feel like her own, she would look at life differently and our relationship would be a lot better. When my son is not around she is sweet as pie and happy. Once he comes around she is a whole other person. Jekyll and Hyde.
M:42 XW:41 T:19 M: 15 D:13 S:10 BD: 8/10/18 Moved out: 8/18 Moved in: 9/18/18 Moved out: 4/22/19 D papers signed 11/4/19 D final 3/18/20
I can’t imagine there is one woman who ever said “ you didn’t say in your profile your kid is a priority, I assumed you would put your kid aside for me “
