I think that's the point everyone has been trying to teach me. The boundaries are for me. If she does something that violates ia boundary i.e. going under, over, around, I take an action. Without that action, she'll do whatever she wants, like staying in the house. So for my communication boundary, she can keep calling or texting about whatever she wants, but I will not respond to it.
As far as her "boundaries", or any that I've previously tried to set that weren't really boundaries, I'm not sure what I do with them at this point. Can't really just erase them and start over. I do see a ton of value with them if applied correctly at the beginning and enforced consistently. And I've only really set one, so maybe I just kind of ignore anything else I've said since they are irrelevant at this point. If she violates them, she violates them. I should have had actions. And if she calls something a boundary, I'll just consider it a request. Putting the toothpaste back in the tube is a little difficult at this point.
LH19, one more boundary that I set early on for myself was that if I knew about a PA, I would file for D. That was not communicated with W, nor do I intend to. I have no clue how I'd ever find out, and I'd imagine if I did it would come out after D anyway, but if I were to find out before that I would enforce it.
Consequences are interesting. Consequences are not you doling out punishment. They arise from actions taken from boundary violations. They are not to, and cannot be used to, control her or change her. You only control you. She controls herself. However, you can influence.
Boundaries are a tool for someone to protect themselves from very hurtful behaviour. They are for your emotional/mental health and not a modification/punishment mechanism. When one is calm and not within the hurtful situation, they craft their boundary. And decide what they will do to enforce it. “What they will do” - the actions they will take; not what the other person is to do (that is trying to control).
Usually, a boundary would/should be clearly stated as a going forward from this point type a thing. Boundaries are not to be made lightly. And expect your boundaries and resolve to be tested.
Disrespectful behaviour is definitely boundary worthy. Added benefit, it clearly illustrates when disrespect happens. Most folks will alter their behaviour when they realize they are doing it. (The influence part.) Of course, some won’t.
People will treat you as you allow them to.
I really liked this explanation of boundaries from DnJ a week ago. Of course I sent a stupid email without really implementing this knowledge right after it, but I will refer to this and other helpful info I've gotten prior to setting any more boundaries.
Last edited by DW17; 11/08/2208:13 PM. Reason: typo
I think for now you should just drop the entire notion of boundaries until you get a better understanding of them. I think you know you should have boundaries but don't have a good grasp on what they should be or what to do when broken. If you keep reading, learning and moving forward you will naturally start to understand what types of behavior should never be tolerated.
Out of curiosity I just checked to see if the book I've been waiting on was ready and it just became available today. It's the book R2C recommended called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.
Without that action, she'll do whatever she wants..
You do seem confused by boundaries! Repeat: "Boundaries control me, not her." It still sounds like you're looking at boundaries as a way to control her actions instead of a way to assert mastery over yourself and protect yourself from harm. I manage people and I put a lot of boundaries around how our customers may interact with them. I don't control whether a customer behaves well (like most) or behaves badly (like some). I just control how much access they have to my team. They will treat my team with respect or they will not have access to their services.
Possible boundaries: "If she lays a hand on me, I will call the police and report it." "If she cheats on me, I will file for divorce a.s.a.p." "If she calls me names, I will hang up."
Not Boundaries: "She won't get away with calling me names, and iff she cheats on me, she's sleeping on the street!"
Hopefully the book R2C recommended will help you make sense of boundaries. (:
LH19, I guess I have to think about that one. I don't feel like I have any fears that prevent healthy boundaries. I was previously afraid of upsetting her or doing anything that could lead to divorce. I don't believe those fears are still there.
I guess I'm not exactly sure what other things would require boundaries. There haven't been loud arguments. The discussions we have had where one of us started raising our voice, the other one called it out and it was corrected. Name calling has not been an issue. No physical altercations. Physical harm would result in a 911 call for sure. Yelling would lead to me hanging up the phone as well. If W starts an argument or starts talking about D around the kids, I will leave the area or hang up the phone. So yes, those are boundaries I have, I just haven't had to use them.
The cheating is a little more complicated I guess. I'm not sure why I won't file for D for an EA/likely PA, but I will for a known PA. Maybe that's the fear you are talking about.
I'll keep trying to educate myself and gain a better understanding of boundaries.
This is a direct question about a business matter--so simply tell her when? No need to introduce drama by ignoring her. Telling her what she NEEDS to do would be controlling behavior.
"I'm reviewing them now; I'll respond within 1-2 weeks."
