Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Running out of steam!

COG,

My sitch is great thanks for asking. Because the divorce was stopped and I now got myself a beautiful, loving and understanding wife, there has been no need for me to run a thread. It's like the last 20 years were a bad nightmare and we have begun our M on the right foot. Looking back now, I was a terrible H and father and it's a wonder we survived that long.

Well that's all changed now because I made changing myself a fulltime job for 18 months. My W did not do one minute of counselling or read one book. At first, that upset me and then I figured out how to use my changes to change her. There's a book called "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Deida. Don't know if you are ready for it as it is high level R philosophy but it does give some straight forward tips.

One of the things it talks about throughtout the book is your ability to give your gift. At first, I thought WTF is this and after a while it dawned on me what it means. It's basically how you give love in the most profound way you can. I have a drawn up a list of ways I do this and though my W doesn't know what I am doing or thinking, she is so drawn to it and it warms her heart, therefore sex is never a problem anymore.

When I feel that she takes me for granted and slips into her old behaviors, I simply remain happy, friendly and withdraw my gift. It doesn't take her very long to miss the extras', realizes her mistakes and comes around. Then we have make up sex. All without an anger and definately no love busters. So that's where I'm at.

Suit

Suit,

Are you kidding me!?

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Because the divorce was stopped and I now got myself a beautiful, loving and understanding wife, there has been no need for me to run a thread.

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Are you sure about that? What about us soldiers down in the trenches getting our asses shot up, needing a reason to fight on? Your story is like a breath of fresh air. Success stories are what we need to keep us going. Thank you so much for sharing it. I have been watching the Success Stories and Another Divorce Busted threads and it seems new postings are very rare. I had begun to think it nearly impossible to save my M. Now, I wonder how many other success stories go unreported. Please share your success story with as many people as possible. We can all learn from you. God has given you a great gift, please continue to share it.

Thank You,

COG

COG,

Thank you for your kind words. I really do believe I was blessed for me to have opened my eyes. I promised Jesus that if He helped me get my family back, I would make Him my Lord and Savior for the rest of my life. Prior to all this, I was agnostic. So I'm keeping up my end of the deal.

I've been reading through your posts and thought I'd ask you a question. When you were dating your W and before you proposed marriage, what was it about Tony that your W fell in love with?

Suit

Suit,

Thanks for the response. Well, I have thought about that for a couple of days now. As I recall, she saw me as a strong, energetic, outgoing, funny, and all around nice guy. She was ga ga in love with me. I was an older man at 29, she was 22 when we started dating. I had known her since she was 17. I worked with her mom and thats how we first met. We were friends, went to aerobics class together for awhile then she went off to college. We started dating after she finished. She loved everything about me. She wanted to spend every minute with me, it was almost too much. I had been in a bad R for several years before we started dating so she was a breath of fresh air for me. I was excited and so grateful to have her, but I was sort of on the rebound from the prior R during most of the time we dated and even into the early years of M. She used to say that she was glad my prior GF was such a B because that gave her the opportunity to have me.

Specifically, while we were dating? I did not call her every day. We used to do interesting things together like go on bike rides, swim workout, we even did a triatholon together. I was 18 pounds lighter then, but I'm still in decent shape. Not triatholon form, but she is. We went hog hunting and fishing a few times. I was far more mysterious than I am now. I was a little reluctant to give my all to our R because I was on the rebound.

We are still great partners and have been very successfull at everything we've done together, ie kids, business, personal finances. It's just the spark that continues to elude us. I went back on my palm pilot calendar this morning. She dropped the bomb on me in Oct. of 2000, about 3 1/2 years ago. The first year and a half was a downward spiral. Then we separated and have stayed apart for the past 2 years. The separation helped immensely in relieving the pressure. It has been steady growth since then. Seems like three steps forward and two steps back sometimes. Looking back two years we are in a far more loving and friendly R. My prayers were answered.

I can see my dream may come true if we continue along this line of progress. It's hard to see the incremental day to day improvements, but it's easy and stunning when I look back over the past 3 1/2 years. What do you think? Do you see any similarities between your sitch and mine? How did you handle the waiting? Do you think I should ask HER why she FIL with me?

COG

Thanks Suited,
I've ordered my copy of "The Way Of The Superior Man". From the reviews in Amazon it looks like the perfect "Now go do it" manual for the post Schnarchian man who' differentiating, can hold on to himself and self soothe but doesn't know WTF to actually DO.
SD who's just ordered absolutely the very last psychobabble book he is ever going to buy - that is... until someone recommends an even better one.

COG,

Every sitch is different and is compounded by different personalities so I wasn't looking for similarities that I could comment on. What I was looking for is your understanding of where you are today as a person and the person that your W fell head over heels ga ga with. You say the spark eludes you now but it didn't back then.

My belief is if a person fell in love with you once, they were strongly attacted to something about you. Because they don't feel that love, perhaps that something is eluding you. Finding out what that something is may be the key that unlocks their heart.

I don't think that asking her would be a good idea for 2 reasons. One is she may not be able to articulate what it was and two, she'll know that if she tells you and you start changing a little more, it will be obvious why you are doing it and perhaps spoil the surprise. I really think the value in it is for you to figure out what it was. I found that looking through pictures when we were dating through to when we got married gave me alot of answers.

In DBing, there is alot of emphasis on doing 180's. I think it is because to do a 180, you firstly need a change of attitude to successfully execute a 180 and the execution of the 180 provides behavioral role play while the behavior becomes ingrained. The problem I see is that doing the opposite to what you would normally do may not be leading you in the right direction.

I think to do 180's successfully, you need a point of reference and that point of reference is to think and act as the person your spouse first fell in love with.

I know it's been a long time ago to remember what sort of person you were back then. If my drug abused memory was able to take me back 20 years then I'm sure anyone can do it.

Before we enter a long term relationship, we are really together people with a very open mind to the future. We love our partner for who they are without conditions. However, money, children etc over time and we begin to loose touch of who we once were and our behaviors are shaped by our attitudes of a much more narrower view of the world. That is what I think people refer to a "losing" ourselves in a R. In our attempts to adapt to our responsibilities, we get more set in our ways and all of a sudden, our partners feel sucked into this narrow vortex of ours and don't feel comfortable with it. We see it a good family management, our S's see it as control. We see it as family first, our S's see it as he's not loving me like he did. We see it as a natural progression, our S's see it as he doesn't take care of himself anymore. Before we know it, we have changed dramatically and though we feel very comfortable with the way things have panned out. It takes a bomb to crush everything we have achieved and to shatter the illusion.

So the challenge I put to you COG is for you to articulate what it was that your W fell madly in love with you and what 180's you can do to restore that situation.

Suit,

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So the challenge I put to you COG is for you to articulate what it was that your W fell madly in love with you and what 180's you can do to restore that situation.

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I will pray and meditate on that challenge and get back to you in a couple of days.

Thanks,

COG

SuitedUp, I read some of your replies on different forums and just wanted to thank you for your thoughtful replies and great insights.

I have taken the mention you made of the Marriage Builders website and printed off a few articles. Some H has agreed to read, such as the infidelity ones. I believe your suggestion may well help H and I get over just one more hump.

Sorry to hijack the thread.

Suit,

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So the challenge I put to you COG is for you to articulate what it was that your W fell madly in love with you and what 180's you can do to restore that situation.

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I struggled with this. W and I had a wonderfully intimate lunch together at her house today and it finally came to me.

I was far less judgmental of her when we were dating, in fact, I was'nt judgmental at all. I never tried to improve her parenting or her cooking. She was just a very fun gal and good friend to be with and thats how I treated her. I respected her, and was excited about her. I accepted her for who she was and did'nt try to change her. I looked up to her and felt honored that she loved me so much. She sensed that too.

Specifically she fell in love with me because I was handsome, kind, and outgoing, but mostly because I accepted and loved her for who she was. I did'nt try to change her or improve her, I just liked who she was and looked up to her and supported her. I never corrected, argued, or criticized her. I felt and acted happy, not depressed.

I have already done a complete 180 on criticising her cooking. I have done a 90% 180 on fixing her to be a better mom. I have done a 75% 180 on convincing her that it would be best if she CHANGED her mind and took me back. I've done an 90% 180 on fixing things for her, even though she did'nt ask. I have done an 80% 180 on being depressed.

My plan. I am going to continue to do a 180 on being depressed, I am going to be enthusiastic and radiate happiness. I am going to go to 100% on the 180's that I have'nt quite gotten all of. I am going to do a 180 on my belief that she needs to change and improve. Finally, I am going to prove to her that I like her just the way she is.

Clear enough?

COG

COG,

It's a hard task and you seem to have done a pretty good job at it.

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Specifically she fell in love with me because I was handsome, kind, and outgoing, but mostly because I accepted and loved her for who she was.

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COG, I feel as though the 180's that you posted address this quite strongly. The only 180 that I'd urge you to ramp up to 100% is the trying to convince her to take you back. You already know that this one doesn't work, besides you must have told her on no unambiguous terms that it is your desire to get back together so she knows. It's a good one to let go.

It's interesting that you mentioned handsome. Physical Attractiveness is, I believe, a BIG thing with women and is listed as one of the 10 emotional needs. It's a huge one for my W as well.

I did a big 180 in making myself more handsome. Because of the bomb, I'd lost alot of weight so I had to get a new wardrobe. Summer was just beginning so I went for closer fitting dark colored tops, designer jeans and diesel footwear. Got rid of the glasses, got a short hairdo, a new chunky watch and started wearing cologne. None of this was out of place for a 40 year old and my friends told me I looked 30. W was drawn to the transformation and started to touch me because she wanted to feel the fabric. One thing led to another and after 6 weeks of concerted DBing, things were happening...fast. Her comments at the time were that I oozed confidence, I was so attractive and she just wanted to tear my new clothes off as soon as the kids went to bed.

Suit