toughtimes180, 180s are typically meant to address personal issues you need to work on that were major issues with your relationship.
Yeah, that is where my question was stemming from. How to work on those issues when in DB mode. R2C puts it clearly, practise everywhere. So in that context, I practice speaking up, being assertive, and expressing my needs. And that can be done anywhere.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
"avoidant personality", definitions are like this "chronic feelings of inadequacy and are highly sensitive to being negatively judged by others. Though they would like to interact with others, they tend to avoid social interaction due to the intense fear of being rejected by others". Is this what you are referring to?
That does describe me in my teenage, early adult years. But perhaps there is truth to this now at an unconscious feelings. I was more about avoidant attachment, which pretty much is the fear of rejection on close connections, and not naturally being vulnerable, and finding reasons to justify why a relationship won't work, thus pushing the other person away. These are all real issues I've faced in this R and a previous R. It's a topic with IC. But also, it's something I've consciously focused on my friendships and I have really discovered an old friend in a new light because of that effort.
Originally Posted by BL42
You want to improve your attraction, so not sure making a style change STBXW specifically hated is the best approach
That is not my intent, if it sounded like it. I've not done anything out of spite of STBXW. There is a certain pleasure in it, I have to admit. But nothing I'm doing has any bearing on her or hurting her. It's all about me trying something new.
My latest 180 is to change style of glasses and grow heavy stubble. I always liked to try, but STBXW hated facial hair. It's great to not worry about anyone caring.
Maybe others will disagree, and I guess it depends on what your goal is (there's some question about whether you even want to reconcile), but the 180s are typically meant to address personal issues you need to work on that were major issues with your relationship. For example...if you always lashed out or started heated debates, stop that completely.
You want to improve your attraction, so not sure making a style change STBXW specifically hated is the best approach. You don't want to be antagonistic, and I get the sense on this one you're purposefully doing something you know she won't like. Unless you simply don't care and are moving on regardless in which case maybe it doesn't matter.
Originally Posted by Spiral
The GAL and the 180s should be about who you want to be and how you want to live your life. Regardless of what happens, you get to keep the GAL and the 180s. I'm pretty happy these days and I think it is because I chose my GAL and 180s wisely. I recommend taking some time to think of where you want to be if your marriage ends and pursuing that relentlessly because you will get to that place. That's what I did and it worked out well. For me, it also had the effect of prompting the STBXW to move toward D at a glacial pace. So, if you want to delay your D, it definitely helps.
I agree with both of these. And I would like to point out, the goal with 180s is to become your best self and set yourself up for future relationship success. Whether that is MR 2.0 with the WAS or with someone new post D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes, I have a very clear focus on where I want to go, and what MR 3.0 looks like (yeah, this is my 2nd one that is breaking up. The 1st once was an immature starter, so it sort of doesn't count, it was more like a short BF/GF relationship). I actually wrote myself a letter to the future congratulating myself for pulling through and finding someone
As I explained in a different thread, I'm too hard on myself at times. The work I need to do on myself can be done through personal friendships. And I am doing that.
