I do think it was a little quick to have him move back in. Especially if he is still going to be involved with the OW. Please remember that you should not be engaging in sexual activity with him until 100% sure without a shred of a doubt that he is BOTH not involved with OW any longer AND that he is disease free. Yes this means he must go get tested for STDs. Again, another requirement.
I realise it is not an ideal decision. H told me that it is over with OW and showed the texts. For me, I am in under no impression that this is heading to reconciliation more than him helping me out during my last weeks of pregnancy. I am not intending to engage in any sexual activity at all with H and will still GAL and detach as usual.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I get that living a part is expensive. However, I have seen a lot of situations on here and I can universally say that decisions in these situations based on money rarely, if ever, work out. Do not make decisions based on money. Do what is best for you, your son and your unborn child.
It's unfortunately near impossible for H to get a separate apartment. He is also still paying the rent for our apartment, which makes it difficult if getting a separate place means then he has to stop doing that. I am in no position to risk anything at the moment, especially because I'm about to give birth in 3/4 weeks time. I cannot even do most of the day-to-day activities, so having him around at least gives me some time to rest and some support around the apartment.
Ugh - I understand the financial difficulties of two households, but I sure wouldn’t want him to give up his apartment yet. Can you get him to keep it for at least another month until you see how this works out?
How are you going to feel about him living with you, when you’re hearing his phone calls with OW or some new OW he’s lining up?
It is not an ideal situation, but he never had a separate apartment. Post BD he went straight to OW’s. He said and showed that things with OW is over. I know this needs to be proven in the long term, but so far no phone calls.
Btw - what has he told you about OWs status? Did she break up with him? Did she move away to get away from him, or was she expecting him to move with her? Did he cheat on her too? I’d sure want to gauge how likely he is to swing back to her before letting him in my home.
A with OW seems to be over. H decided he wants to be back with his family again. I understand your concern and I think I would probably think the same and not sure if it's bad, but I am just so not focused on R with H that it doesn't matter if he goes away again? I am really just thinking about the birth preparation, birth and post birth arrangements.
Originally Posted by kml
Plus - do you want to put your son through re-attaching and then separating again? Or are you considering this move as a way to ensure that your son is safe with H? So you don’t have to worry about him being alone with H? If so, what’s your endpoint? What will you do if H refusss go move out again in the future?
I did think about the danger of re-attaching and separating with my son, but yes, I need to make sure that I am ok with H being alone with son. I know some people might not agree with this, but I believe in being open to discuss any changes with my son, even though he is quite young. We talked about how he might feel with H being in the apartment again, at least to help me with the baby preparation. My son agreed and said "yes, you need help with baby. Daddy will help."
Originally Posted by kml
What is your financial plan for the future? Have you discussed with an attorney what you might get in support if you divorced?
I discussed this in general with lawyer. The details of it was listed in the separation agreement I have with H, which he signed.
Originally Posted by kml
Also - Will having H there make it awkward for friends and family to come help? Do you really want to be responsible for managing his depression while dealing with a newborn? I’m worried he will be more trouble than he’s worth, which is why I argue for him keeping his own place for the first month until you see how this goes.
Even before H was back I already talked with friends and family that he might be around, which is very possible when the baby is born. I'm not dealing with his depression. At the moment I can only focus on co-existing and ensuring the birth goes well. I am not even sure if I want him around that long after. I told him he will need to find his own place and he agrees. At the moment, however, he is in the spare room.
(Also check with your lawyer, does having him living there set back hour separation date for divorce? Is there any other negative legal effect? )
Yes, this might be a possibility. I checked with a lawyer friend and he seems to think that because the separation agreement clearly mentions separation date it will not be affected. If H argues differently, at least the fact I have communicated the separation to my friends and family will be able to support my case.
I'd be cautious that the text messages are real or not. In my first situation, back in 2005, my W was in an EA with an old boyfriend. When I start suspecting something I went through her IM contacts and saw the OM there. So I started asking questions about who he was, how she knew him, etc.
What she didn't know is I had installed spyware on our home PC, and so I was "listening in" to her IM sessions. That night she told him I had been asking about him, and asked him if some evening when I was present if they could have a casual conversation that she could show me so that I didn't think anything else was going on.
The lengths that WSs will go to cover their tracks is extraordinary. No bridge is too far as long as they think it will help with their subterfuge.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes! I was going to say the same thing! I was reading recently a story on another site where the woman’s husband called up the OW with the wife on the phone, broke up with her, OW apologized and said she “wasn’t raised this way” - and it all turned out to be an act so they could continue their affair!
Also, the more I think about it, the more I feel uncomfortable about you letting the snake back into the house. You're thinking he'll be a help to you, but will he really? You're thinking he'll bond with the new baby, but will he? You're thinking in his depression it's safer for him to see your son where you can monitor him - THAT I understand. But I would be very very wary.
He's gonna do his best to wriggle back in - "See, I gave up OW/the love of my life to be with you and the kids - aren't you GRATEFUL??? I'm so sad and depressed, it wasn't my fault I slipped and my d!*k fell into her vajajay, won't you heal me (and provide free housing and support me when I lose my job?)".
Thanks SteveLW and Kml, Really appreciate your concerns and yes, I am exercising caution to do with everything he does. H at the moment has been helping with caring for son, and I don't doubt he will at least try to be there for his son and the baby. It's just him (the a**hole who has been hiding his affair for 2 years and left me twice, including once when I'm pregnant) around me that's my issue. The problem is at least for the time being I am still partially reliant on H financially, especially for the rent, and H can't afford to get a different place while still paying for our place. If I wasn't dependent on him for housing, I would have definitely not let him in. We talked about the situation and my preference for him to be away. Both H and I are looking if any of our friends have any spare room or extra place where H could stay in cheaper. I know some of them live nearby, so it will still be close enough if H needs to help out with son and baby.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
The lengths that WSs will go to cover their tracks is extraordinary. No bridge is too far as long as they think it will help with their subterfuge.
Thanks Steve for sharing this experience. I am not sure how to do this when H is hardly on his laptop and mostly on the phone. H has committed to do the 'letter' via email, but I will only believe him when that actually happens.
Originally Posted by kml
Also, the more I think about it, the more I feel uncomfortable about you letting the snake back into the house.
I don't have any real choice at the moment and cannot afford another stress. Whatever state H might be in, I still need him (for the moment anyway) to cover the rent. I'm hoping that we will hear from my friends if H can stay with them for cheaper.
What’s the long term financial picture? I know in the States, you can get an order for temporary support, which usually favors him paying enough to keep you and the kids staying in the home until the divorce is worked out. But if he can’t afford to pay enough to help you with your rent while living elsewhere now, how is he going to afford to pay you adequate child support in the future? Is this an issue because of a temporary drop in your income during maternity leave? Would you benefit from moving home to England and dyeing with your parents? Would he allow that?
Have you discussed this with your attorney? It helps to have an idea of what the financial picture is going to look like going forward, so you can plan accordingly.
