Yes, I think so, too. H is a really good guy--incredibly sensitive, and I think I wasn't as good at interpretting what he needed at times.
He called me at 5am this morning--man was I grumpy--to talk about the whole thing with roommate. I know he feels bad about taking away her home (man, I choked on that one). He said he told her he was heavily leaning toward moving in with his mom, and she got pretty upset. I guess it's hard for him to just come out and tell her he's made up his mind--I think he must be as afraid of confrontation as I am.
I started griping about her on the phone, then realized what I was doing. I left him a vmail apologizing for it after I headed to work, told him I was pretty sleepy and grumpy. We talked just a little while ago...he called me as soon as he woke up. Told me he didn't think I was so bad this morning. (Uh-huh...yeah, right.) That I had every right to be mad at him. I told him that didn't mean I had to keep running over and over and over the same conversation again!
Anyway, he's really eager to move in with his mom. I can't wait to move back to the south side (close to MIL and H ). We're both so impatient to move forward, even though this should all be happening next month.
He told me last night that it took him leaving twice to see what I always saw--that we should be together. The man is even talking about having a kid. This, from a guy who said he never wanted children! LOL! Okay, so he also said he would never get married, either...
My biggest concern is being able to keep this perspective I have found. I think my own shift in thinking has been what has really helped this M more than anything. I don't want his feeling guilty right now to lull me back into that sense of "I'm right!!" all over again.
Hey, about 1/2 way through and I have to leave for the night. You sound like you have a really good sitch here. H has some fears and needs to work on himself.
I see many similarities between your H and mine. I just wish my H would kiss me or tell me ILY. He is so afraid to show affection. I've been cut off for so long.
Anyway, I'm eager to see how this progresses. Keep us posted definitely.
Quote: He is so afraid to show affection. I've been cut off for so long.
Ouch. There's nothing worse than just craving even a small touch...
Quote: H has some fears and needs to work on himself.
Yes, I know. He knows it, too. Ironically, he's much, much more self-confident than he used to be. There are a lot of things he has already done to improve himself. I think this is one of the motivators for him joining the army (yeah, I'm real happy about that with the state of things right now). But he's doing a good job of moving ahead--has learned that baby steps are the key. LOL!
So last night was a pretty good night. We wound up going to the gym together again, but we each did our own thing. It was my day to just bike, and he was in the weight room.
On the drive back, I had a chance to be nagging/condescending, and I didn't do it! We stopped at the bank so I could get some cash. It was late, so there were no other cars. Instead of going all the way around the bank, he drives through the ATM the wrong way--which also conveniently lined me up next to the machine. He commented afterward that I was probably irritated, and that he knew that wasn't the proper way. I told him no big deal, there were no other cars.
Then he asks what I want to eat. I told him some kind of burger. He suggested Sonic, since I had never been there. As we're driving I'm commenting on every place we drive by--so I was hungry. He asked if Sonic was okay, and I said that it was still fine. I've been known to not give an absolute answer on things like places to eat because I want to be flexible for the other person...so I actually picked and stuck with it. Nice change for me. Instead of us going in the circle of "I don't know, what do you want?"
We curled up together for a long time on the couch, watching TV. I had really missed that. He needed to go meet some people, but I could tell he didn't want to leave. But he did tell me he would come back later, if he could.
After he left, I sent him a vmail (w/o calling, since I didn't want to interrupt) telling him goodnight and ILY. I decided to wear something he would enjoy if he came back over.
H came back after I had been in bed a couple of hours. He was definately appreciative, but didn't initiate ML. He did ask me to come with him into the front room while he watched TV and ate. We used to do this all of the time, before.
After we went back to bed, we were kind of fooling around, and he said that he was interested. I took that as a cue and initiated, but I had a sore throat and it hurt for me to continue. He was too sleepy to do much else on his own, so we just curled up to sleep. I actually wasn't disappointed, like I would have been normally, probably because we've been pretty active. No bad feelings for me, no bad feelings for him. Definite progress on this front. H tends to initiate much, much more now that I don't bring it up or start things first or flirt nearly as heavily. He definately likes to take the lead in this department--which works out fine for me, since I haven't felt deprived in a quite some time.
He asked me if I liked all the affection (physical) that I was getting, and I told him that I did. It doesn't always have to be ML, but I really respond to touch. He promised he would continue to give me more affection.
I had been wanting to reassure him, because I could tell he was still feeling guilty. So I brought up that I had thrown out the past and that whole thing. And I brought up my raging jealousy. It turned out to not be the best idea. I had really been trying to reassure him that he wasn't doing anything wrong. But when I asked him if he felt better, he told me no. Guess it didn't matter what I said. I'm going to just drop the subjects--I think, no matter what I say, it just makes him think about his mistakes and feel guilty. So I'm going to completely drop these subjects, unless he wants to talk about them. That way we're not revisiting the past if he's not prepared. Just plain old validating seems to work best.
I've also figured out the probelm of feeling pressured to things (favors like fixing the comp) when H asks me to. I don't have to agree to unreasonable demands, or feel like he'll be mad at me if I don't. I'm sooo glad to have taken care of that.
There are still some problem areas, ones that were always there in the M. I have figured out that I am a complete nut (probably OCD) about things being where they belong. Toothpaste, remote, cars going through the ATM drive the right way...anything "against the proper order" drives me crazy. So clothes left out or dishes not in the dishwasher--even keys not put in the little bowl every time make me batty. I have no idea how to handle this. I want him to pick up some, but obviously the problem is beyond just that and gets into my own obsession with things in the right place.
This kind of goes along with the last one--and that is I hate it when he leaves all the lights on. When he's running from one room to another, he'll just leave them on. I asked him to not do it, but it doesn't seem to help. Need a better strategy....
I'm going to focus on those two for now. The others can wait, since we're not living together for awhile. But I need to think of some different approaches or things to try. Those two might sound minor, but I've learned my resentment builds up over those kinds of things until I just get mean and snippy. Especially over the one about picking up. I just need to come up with a few new things to try, to see if I can get a better solution.
Okay, now I'm getting sick. I hate being sick, since I won't take any time off of work. I don't think I'm too bad, yet, but my throat hurts, I'm nauseate, and now I'm getting dizzy. Greeeeat.
The thing is...when I'm sick, I want attention. I want to be pampered. I want my H!! But for whatever reason, H pulls back more than usual when I'm sick. (He once accused me of faking it to get attention.)
He's obviously got this thing against me pursuing him. I'm betting that's why he backs off further when I get sick--because I really, really want attention then. So...new approach. I'm going to attempt to "tough it out" in front of him, and see if he takes notice. I hope this works, 'cause right now, I could really use a backrub or something.
Hm. Forgot what I whiny, annoying, bi-atch I can be when I don't feel good...
So I talked to H last night after I got off work, to try to arrange seeing the movie. He mentioned he wanted to go with me when I looked at apartments, said he was going to be "spending a lot of time there" and wanted it to be a place we are both comfortable with. Which is a topic we have both discussed quite heavily recently--that all of the places we have lived, usually one of us has not really liked it, but not said anything about it. I'm thinking he's planning on halfway living there with me, just not "officially." Kind of like we were really together the last, oh, few weeks--but not "officially."
The interesting thing about the way it happened, was it gave us both plenty of space to feel comfortable. Something about the psychology of us being technically seperated let us sort through some problems, even though we were acting like a couple. I think that's what this new apartment is going to be like. H has said he wants to keep his entertainment center there, and even mentioned that he wanted his king-size bed at my place (because he would be sleeping there "a ton") and he take my double bed to his mom's, where he's technically going to be living.
I made sure we went to the movie late enough so H could make it. He was supposed to go to his GED class and then meet a friend to get back something he borrowed. So when I talked to him, he couldn't make up his mind what the best way for him to meet us was--if I should pick him up, or he should just meet us down there.
I wound up going to BIL2's ahead of H. I had been working on his computer, and had some more things I was wanting to do to it. So I hung out with MIL and BIL2. H left his place late, so he decided to meet us at the theater.
He was very happy to see me. I think I hurt his feelings a bit when he kissed me--and then I made a grossed out face and complained he had just had a cigarrette. But, I'm sorry, that's just gross, and he was supposed to have quit again anyway! So I got him a piece of gum, and then told him that was much better.
We were holding hands during the movie, and he was laying on me...it was so nice. He kept telling me he had learned that he never wanted to go through all of that again, that he just wanted to be with me all the time. (Um, yeah, I know him better than that.) MIL and BIL2 were making fun of us the whole time. Basically, it was a very normal night.
H took MIL and BIL2 back, so I could go ahead and go home. He said he would stop by to see me, though, later. I had just gotten into bed when he called me. He said he was on his way. I was just talking about how I was messing around with MIL and BIL2 before we went to the movie, and he got kind of funny, sounded upset, said he had to go. I asked what was wrong, and he said he needed to go, so I just let him hang up. If he wants to be left alone, that's usually best.
So he walks into my apartment, and I'm pretty sleepy, but very happy to see him. He walks up to my dresser, puts my bank card on it, turns around, and leaves. I was more than a little surprised. I went out of the bedroom door, asking him to talk to me. He just went out the apartment. I wasn't exactly dressed enough to go chasing after him outside. So I called him on my cell. He didn't answer, so didn't leave a message, and decided I was just going to go bed if he wouldn't talk to me.
Less than a minute later, he calls me back. I told him I couldn't believe he wouldn't even give me a hug before he took off. I asked him to tell me what was wrong, and he refused, kept saying he was leaving. Had a weird quality to his voice. I asked him if he was leaving me again, and he said no--that he was leaving everybody. H kind of worries me when he starts talking like this, so I asked him what he was doing, and he wouldn't tell me. Then it occurred to me I was pursuing--and that never works with him. And then I got kind of mad. Maybe not the best reaction, but it was late and I wasn't feeling good at all--if he wants reassurance, I don't mind, but when he won't even tell me what is wrong (or even that he just needs some time), then that's just stupid. So I started yelling.
Told him I couldn't believe he was trying to get away from me again. That I couldn't believe he wouldn't even give me a hug good night. And that if he wanted to go, fine, he should just go. He said he did, and hung up.
Not five seconds later, he called me back. Asked me if I wanted him to come up. (See, as soon as I stopped chasing him, he got uncomfortable and wanted to know what was going on.) I said of course I did.
He came back into the apartment, and I gave him a big hug, and finally spilled a lot of stuff. He said that he would never, ever leave me again. That all he wanted was to be with me all the time right now. That he didn't like the idea that he couldn't be with me more--even though he was the one who put himself in that position by being busy so much. He felt he made a hug mistake, and didn't know how to fix it. That he hated it when people assumed I and his brother were a couple, because he wanted them to know I am with him. And that he didn't feel like he was important to me anymore, and that he thought I was going to leave him. (Isn't that a little backwards???)
I did a lot of listening. I guess I shouldn't point out the next time someone mistakes myself and BIL2 as a couple when we're doing errands or whatever (hey, I just thought it was funny because...well...ew!...he's like my brother). And I also told him that I was hanging out with his family when he wasn't available--like when he's at work--and I would be seeing them a lot when he goes to basic. Probably not the best answer. In retrospect, I should have just validated his feelings, not justify my POV.
I did ask him what I could so that he would feel more important. He said he didn't. I told him that he was--and pointed out the times I had called him earlier. I'm a lot more independent from him than I used to be, and maybe he was expecting me to call him more like I used to once we were officially back together. I don't know. I also told him that, if I had wanted to leave, I had plenty of chances. That I loved him and wanted him. I'm not sure of that was the best response.
He did calm down. I held him, I touched him, I hugged him, I kissed him, I massaged him. I asked if I had helped, and he said that I had. He told me he didn't want to go, but that he had a lot of stuff to do. I was sort of clinging onto him (I just crave attention when I feel sick), and said he really didn't want to leave me, but that he had things to take care of. (This meant roommate, and that whole mess with getting out of the apartment.) That it was a day-by-day process.
He did look better when he left. I think some sleep will do him a lot of good, and he should be feeling better today. Maybe he was just having his day to crash and burn like I did earlier this week. I also think he had a lot of nights like that, where he didn't really tell me what was going on, while we were still in the sep. And those nights, I did leave him alone instead of forcing the issue.
So I left him a vmail this morning (w/o calling his phone), telling him that he was very important, that I missed him, loved him, and couldn't wait to see him tonight. That should give him a smile when he wakes up.
I've noticed I really miss sleeping with him at night. Clearly touch is a big part of my LL. I've realized that I feel closer to my H when I wake up in the mornings, after sleeping in the same bed with him, even if we don't spend all day together. And when we are together, I like a lot of the casual touching--holding hands, his hand on my knee, that sort of thing. So I was really enjoying the movie last night, since there was a lot of that.
Boy, how do you keep up with him? He is all over the place. You really are good.
My H also hates to be chased, but loves to chase. It's hard sometimes. I do know I have gotten some of my best results DBing when he has been jealous. In fact, H was ready to D until I started going out with friends - suddenly he "cared" again about me.
Maybe you shouldn't call him at all for a bit, let him make all the contact. Be a bit unavailable to him. Or are his insecurities that bad that it won't work?
Told me he didn't think I was so bad this morning. (Uh-huh...yeah, right.) That I had every right to be mad at him. I told him that didn't mean I had to keep running over and over and over the same conversation again! 
He asked if Sonic was okay, and I said that it was still fine. I've been known to not give an absolute answer on things like places to eat because I want to be flexible for the other person...so I actually picked and stuck with it. Nice change for me. Instead of us going in the circle of "I don't know, what do you want?"
I hate being sick, since I won't take any time off of work. I don't think I'm too bad, yet, but my throat hurts, I'm nauseate, and now I'm getting dizzy. Greeeeat.