Well one thing I really would like (and haven’t really had) is someone who has their act together financially, at least enough not to be a drag on my own retirement. I don’t need a guy to have a lot of money, but I need him to be able to pay his own bills in retirement and live within his means. I have enough for me but not enough for someone else too in retirement (beyond offering housing).
I hear you KML. I’ve met a number of guys who don’t have their sh*t together financially and seem surprisingly unconcerned about it. XH1 has some assets and an incredible work ethic so I’m not too worried about him in that regard. Not that I even need to at this stage…lol. It is just as likely I go for my visit, realize that the feelings I once had for him are long gone and we just have a nice trip down memory lane and nothing more. I’m leaning towards that outcome, TBH, but am also aware that stranger things have happened so I never say never…lol.
Well one thing I really would like (and haven’t really had) is someone who has their act together financially, at least enough not to be a drag on my own retirement. I don’t need a guy to have a lot of money, but I need him to be able to pay his own bills in retirement and live within his means. I have enough for me but not enough for someone else too in retirement (beyond offering housing).
This reminds me of a conversation I had over the weekend with "K" ... another of our nebulous is this or isn't this a date evenings. He is of the opinion that a lot of women over 40 are looking at guys in their 50s as a meal ticket - not about love, definitely about what does the guy bring to the table in terms of housing, $$, job/career, etc.
I countered that so many of my female friends are not looking for that at all - in fact, quite the opposite - happy to date, have sleepovers, but are def. not into sharing finances, or even living together. Don H's "living together apart" was quoted. This conversation went on for a while as it really was about an overarching theme of what dating is like now, vs in our 20s when it was about attraction/infatuation/love.
I wonder if part of the problem is that if you're single at this age, you might have had your world blown up by a divorce that you still haven't financially recovered from ... whether you're male or female.
baggage - we all have it, some more than others.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I wonder if part of the problem is that if you're single at this age, you might have had your world blown up by a divorce that you still haven't financially recovered from ... whether you're male or female.
That can be part of it. But also, those who didn't make wise financial choices before divorce are more likely to be broke after (with the exception of SAHPs who, while making a risky decision to trust their mates, did so for a good reason). The bigger problem I see is people who just didn't plan ahead at all.
CMM was a good example - he made excellent money for most of his career, pretty close to what my ex made. But he and his wife spent it as he earned it. Big new house with a pool, BMWs, vacations, champagne tastes in furniture, food, wine etc. When his marriage broke up and his earning power decreased he was left with nothing. No retirement savings, no significant house equity etc. If he had been prudent, lived slightly below his means, made retirement saving a priority - as my ex and I did, although my ex was not as frugal as I - he might have left the marriage with significant housing equity or at least a reasonable chunk of retirement savings.
Now - it's true statistically that women's living status suffers more than men's after a divorce. And some custodial parents get really bum deals if their ex skips out on child support, for example. But even in those situations, I'd be looking to see if the person was at least thinking or trying to get ahead before retirement.
But at my age, facing retirement within a few years, it becomes terribly important. I don't want to subsidize some guy who thinks he can retire on his $800 a month Social Security check. Nor do I want to try to keep up with some guy who is spending his retirement savings like there's no tomorrow. Someone in the middle, who has enough means to support himself in retirement and can live within those means, matters more to me than the absolute amount of money or assets he has.
I know for some people now retirement seems like a pipe dream, and I do feel sorry for younger people. But I also know a LOT of boomers who have pissed away a ton of money with no thought for their futures. Maybe that's a big part of why I don't want to live with someone again - I don't need the stress of worrying about their finances. Mine are in hand. While CMM was buying leather couches and BMWs and filet mignon, I was shopping at Ross and buying furniture at the consignment shop and controlling the food budget and driving Hondas and building sweat equity with manual labor on our houses. Don't get me wrong - we took vacations with the kids, we had a nice house. But we also lived below our means, in large part due to my efforts.
The bigger problem I see is people who just didn't plan ahead at all.
Based on my limited experience I would tend to agree with this. My xW will undoubtedly face difficulties once the support payments end. She had little in the way of retirement savings. Now, she is capable of squeezing together two nickels and getting a quarter but yes, prefers to live with more than that. OM - and this is pure speculation - retired from his business, sold his house and moved in with her into a very small place where both of them are still driving the same vehicles they were when they met and certainly not going on the trips that my xW certainly insisted on or the new cars she expected.
"S" - well - that's perhaps a special case of someone living off of child support again with absent money management skills and certainly no retirement savings. When we met her longer term plan was to move in with her oldest daughter. She had no concept of saving for the future, only spending whatever was to hand.
"B" - she was a SAHM whose husband took early retirement from a well paid job with a good pension which would have been reduced substantially by taking it early. They spent their money on a house on the lake, boats, toys etc to the point where she had to take a job working retail to cover daily expenses.
I'm sure these are not unique tales at all. None of us came into this expecting to be without a partner. It's said that many marriages break down because of money issues so those who are single later in life could perhaps be representative of poor choices in all sorts of facets of their lives.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
On the bright side - many of us can be better off without our spouses if we follow the approach of living within our means. Mr Money Mustache can be eye opening for those who struggle to stay within their income.
my exh spent it as fast as he made it... bmws, check, fancy restaurants, check, multiple health club memberships for himself (two on each coast for cripes sake), yet b!tch3d at me about household expenses. I kept our house at the same $$ amount budget wise for over 10 years ... I was shopping in consignment stores while he was working with a personal shopper at Nordstrom's. WTAF. So much better off without that.
But, yeah, I live paycheck to paycheck. And yeah, I've had to go into savings to run two houses, but that's short term vs what will happen down the road, I hope. I don't foresee myself ever 'retiring' because I don't see myself ever just sitting around. I'm too much of an entrepreneur. I'd find something to do to keep my hand in, but I'm sure as h3ll not subsidizing another adult.
and frankly, i never ever want to be treated by anyone's 'people' the way i was treated by my outlaws --- ooops, i mean inlaws.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I agree, I don't see myself ever retiring completely, although I may or may not be involved in a money making endeavor. Most likely I'll just continue to see some favorite patients very part time, or write about medicine in some way.
My mom is a good/inspiring example. She was widowed in her 30's with 4 kids, then divorced after ten years in an unhappy second marriage. Unfortunately our home appreciated a lot during that second marriage and she had to sell because in our community property state he was entitled to half of that appreciation. She moved into an inexpensive apartment type condo that my brother and I helped fix up (that was my first kitchen tile backsplash!). She moved from bookkeeping to becoming a CPA (taking and passing all 4 parts of the CPA exam on the first try, almost unheard of!) and worked as a (relatively low paid - hello age discrimination!) tax accountant until her retirement. In the meantime she moved to a more spacious single level townhouse which my siblings and I also put some sweat equity into. She acquired a very modest retirement account while working as a CPA.
When she retired, she moved to my city and my ex and I helped her buy a house there. We helped with half the down payment and some serious sweat equity remodeling (we installed a whole new kitchen ourselves from Ikea flat pack cabinets, for instance) and she made the payments.
What really made the difference for her in retirement though was that she started volunteering at the library, and was eventually encouraged to apply for a job there. She worked part-time (20 hours a week) until she was about 85. She loved the work and the socialization. And the extra money kept her comfortable and funded low-budget international travel that she took me and my sister on.
The lesson from that all is that even a small part-time income in retirement (preferably doing something you love!) can buffer you from inflation and keep you young and active. Not all will be blessed with her good health but even a hobby may be a source of a little extra money in retirement.
Bttrfly - once you get things worked out with the houses - whether you rent or sell - you'll be in a good place. And those financial skills you honed keeping the household budget down will stand you in good stead.
I will retire after my kids are launched and supplement my pension with money made from the B&B my sister are going to use their floor for. They’ll have to make reservations to come back and visit…lol. My sister and her hubby will be spending a lot of time in Croatia after they retire so it will help keep me occupied and pay for some of the travel I want to do in the off season.
