Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives Living in the Light VII

Don… Don’t think money was a factor. Both her dad and I have extended health benefits through work. The morphine helped to get her pain under control. She was taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen by Day 3. The surgeon was probably in his late forties…as was the anaesthesiologist. Actually, he was probably in his early forties.

KML…It appears that way. Her XH was a piece of work. He apparently had another woman on the side that my friend used to run with on Saturdays… a neighbour apparently. This is the friend who told me… “Think of what you’ve lost…and when nothing comes to mind, move on.” Never forgot that. Said it over and over to myself in the early days…lol.

Haha that’s a great line. I used to say I lost 160 lbs of trouble!

Oops don’t know how that happened

Small update… not a lot going on in my world that is new.

I’ve been driving my new car for over a week now and LOVE it!! Any reservations I had about spending that much money on a vehicle evaporated the second I drove it away from the dealership. That and I also found out I have three years of free charging on their Electrify Canada network. As luck would have it, the only station on the Island is located three minutes from my house.

In three weeks, I will be taking my first new car road trip which I have nicknamed “road trip to my past”. My XH (first one), his parents, his siblings and all my nieces/nephews from that side, minus the eldest who is going to medical school in another province, will be there. Totally looking forward to seeing all of them and to the drive itself as my two eldest nephews will be with me. I haven’t seen them since they were 16 and 17 years old. They are 29 and 30 now!!

Speaking of first XH, I had a very strange dream the other night. I dreamt that I was getting married again and when I walked up to the alter, I was completely shocked to see him standing there. Ummm… haven’t dreamt about him or thought about him in at least 20 years. What the heck is that about? Perhaps my upcoming trip has my subconscious working through leftover feelings?? Ours was a different kind of divorce. We never got to the point where either of us had any resentments towards the other one. At the time, we just felt like we had drifted apart and were going in different directions and we were young enough that breaking up didn’t seem like that big of a deal. It felt more like a gift we were giving each other.

Now…22 years later…we still hold each other in very high regard and both of us are single and not really dating. Since my divorce, we’ve been talking on average about once every couple of weeks. When I was married, it was about once a year with the odd visit if XH and I were in the area. He’s a good looking, smart, kind and honest guy… pretty much the type of guy I’m trying to find on OLD. He is already a part of my life… my sister and husband like him and my kids do too (they’ve met him a few times over the years). I love his family and they love me. In a lot of ways, it would make sense for us to try again so I get why my subconscious has been trying the idea on for size.

Anyway… this isn’t something I had been consciously thinking about until I had that dream and now I’m getting increasingly nervous about this trip down memory lane. I’m a bit worried he’s been thinking about this too and I really don’t want to screw up a lifelong friendship because we’re both disillusioned with OLD and missing the intimacy and partnership that comes with having a significant other. My plan is to spend as much time with the family as possible and as little time as possible with him on his own…lol.

Anyway…lunch is over. Just wanted to update everyone and tell you what my mind has been preoccupied with lately.

Hmmmm.....it might help to remind yourself exactly why you divorced. I'm sure there was something more to it than "we just drifted apart". You may have forgotten or buried some of the issues.

DejaVu6,
Glad you're enjoying the new vehicle!

Interesting. Thoughts like these demonstrate however unlikely it's never impossible two people could reunite after a D even many years down the road.

I wonder the same thing.

I recall that, at the time, he was playing drums in the bars at night for about six different bands and i was working Monday to Friday from 8:30 to 4:30. All of the things that were super cool when I met him, wore thin when it came to blending our lives together. He wanted to be a rock star and I wanted a “regular” life. I got into pool and developed a different friend group that he did not get to know at the time. So we were literally living separate lives. And he was somewhat depressed at the time so not fun to be around when we were together.

He is living a different life now. He’s got a 9 to 5 job. He still plays drums but more as a hobby now. He’s past the bar life and the rock star dreams. He has grown up quite a bit with respect to how he views relationships. TBH KML… not sure if this is a road I would want to go down or not but it’s just something I might consider if there are any romantic feelings between us still. I have only ever seen him when I was married to XH so that wasn’t even something that crossed my mind before. It will be interesting to see how we feel when we are face to face. It is more likely to be two old friends, with a lot of history together, taking a walk down memory lane and having a nice visit. I’d be perfectly happy with that.

To give you an idea of how solid our friendship was at the time. After we separated, we used to meet once a week for lunch at our favourite restaurant. We did that for two years. When I decided to move back to the island, we divorced as it seemed like the right time. The week I was to move, we went for our weekly lunch and the staff gave us balloons and a dessert to celebrate “our” move. When I explained to them that it was only me who was moving, they were shocked. They had no idea we weren’t married still. Honestly…there were no big issues. We barely ever fought. I just wasn’t willing to be second fiddle to his drum set any more because I wanted to buy a house, start a family, etc…. I knew that would make him miserable considering what his goals/dreams were at that time. He has a very different mindset now. Had he been that way all those years ago, it is very possible we would still be together. But…again…I have NO clue how I will feel about him when I see him and vice versa. It’s just a random question that has been on my mind since that dream…lol.

BL… Pretty sure I wrote about this in a previous post but you may not have seen it. A couple years ago, right before the pandemic started, I ran into my old basketball coach at a basketball game. He told me he was killing time until his wife could pick him up as she was at the local casino. I asked him if he had gotten remarried because I had heard that he and his wife had divorced a number of years ago. Imagine my surprise when he tells me that, no, he hadn’t remarried. He and his wife had divorced and been apart for five years. They had recently gotten back together and were very happy. I don’t know the details of why they divorced in the first place. I doubt that infidelity had been involved. I suspect that he wasn’t an easy person to live with and she had finally had enough…lol. I think he has mellowed out in his old age and is no longer consumed with basketball for six months out of the year (he’s retired now) so he probably has more time for her. He also probably hated being on his own and missed having her around. Just my suspicion from what I noticed about their relationship when I was a kid. Even though I was only 17, I remember myself wondering how she put up with all of his “stuff” and his difficult personality. She was very mild mannered and quiet and he was always loud and social… and a bit controlling. I think it is likely there is less of a power imbalance in their relationship now that he knows what he could lose again.