I was feeling calmer today, realized yesterday was really mostly in my head. The need to see H had gotten better, but I still missed him, and I left him a vmail around 1:00pm or so, telling him I missed him, loved him, and couldn't wait to see him
H called me while I was still at work. Wanted to rearrange the evening. I was supposed to help him study, then go work out when he went to GED class. Well, he wanted us to go to the gym together, then study. I think he has decided he likes to work out with me. He also talked some more about roommate. I gritted my teeth, and validated my @$$ off. Told me how she was important to him, how he was glad that she hadn't gotten as upset as he expected. I said she was probably expecting him to move out, anyway. He said how she said something sweet, that they had had a great adventure together. This one really griped me--that stupid little (insert all kinds of nasty names) got to see my H every day...first thing in the morning, as he went to bed...got to see my cats...and felt like that was her home. It makes my blood boil. But I just said it was sweet. He then said, "And see, you were worried she had more feelings than that." Um, yeah, I still think there's something a wrong with her. But all I said was, "You just slapped an 'I told you so' on me." He laughed, apologized, said he hadn't meant it that way. I said I knew that.
Then he brought up the furniture arrangements...how he was going to take my (full size) bed to his mother's (which would put the king-size, firmer mattress with me). I asked him what electronics he wanted to put at my place--so he wouldn't have to put them all in storage. I got the impression again that he's going to be spending a lot of time at my place. I told him I had to go, probably sounded a little distracted, since I was at work.
He called me while he was on his way to my place. I apologized for sounding so distant on the phone. He told me it was no big deal, I was making something out of nothing, and he knew I had to work. We talked until he actually walked into the door.
We never made it to the gym. We never studied. I think we both had missed each other too bad. It was very nice. H even commented that I basically never put up a fight. LOL I asked him if he wanted me to put up a token struggle, and he said no. He then asked why I always wanted to. I told him that I loved him. Part of it is just that I want to. And the other part is, I know a lot of the time, it's a way for him to feel close to me. And...I'm just so relieved that he's actually interested all the time now (we've had problems with him being LD in the past), I'm kind of afraid to give it up! But, at the end, I just like being with him.
H asked me if I would be willing to get a tattoo of his name on me. I said I had always said I would never get a guy's name...just in case we split...but I was actually more inclined to get his now. He said that he would definately get mine, and was actually seriously considering how. I was pretty surprised--he had always maintained he would never get a girl's name, no matter what, in case things turned sour. So we actually discussed getting each other's names, and how we would do it. He said he would like to have it done in Mayan hierglyphics, if that were even possible. He said he knew, without a doubt now, that he would never leave me.
I then told him I didn't care about any of the past stuff. Then told him I had thought of something funny...I didn't mean to be bringing up the past, but I thought it was funny that the b!tch wound up hurting herself more in the long run, and that we were still together and doing just fine. That woman definately manipulated my H into the first sep, and he wound up having a brief PA with her during the sep. I said she had been on my mind lately, not that I was upset or anything, she had just been popping up in my head, and I thought it was because he had mentioned going into the pub last week. He met her while he was bartending at his last job, which was the pub. I kind of laughed, said I thought it was funny that she made herself look like a real idiot by coming into the bar every week after H returned to me the first time, on the exact same day, even after he told her to go away. It's funny how she interfered in my M, yet she's the one who couldn't seem to get on with her life. LOL. My H has nothing but contempt for her now, after she disrespected him...and most importantly, disrespected me.
H then asked me to not throw that in his face, that it was all in the past, and this was a new R now. I asked him if he thought I was doing that now, and he said no. I can see in his eyes how deeply ashamed and regretful he is of the whole ordeal...how much it deeply bothers him. I told him it didn't matter, anyway, since I was going to be with him for the rest of my life.
We cuddled on the couch, watched some TV. Okay, so I was very affectionate. He asked me why I was being so cuddly, and I said it was just because I loved him. He brought up again the idea of my getting a boob job...oh well...I told him I didn't want to get any bigger (thanks to the wonders of birth control, that's happened again anyway), but might consider getting lifted. H talked again about how he wanted me to dress up for him. I asked him if it was just because he wanted to sex me up, or because he wanted to be the guy with the woman everyone looks at. He said that I already get a lot of attention, but he wanted me to be the woman everyone noticed, and that, yes, it was a bit of an ego thing. It didn't weird me out as much as it had the other night, so that's good. I guess what made me feel better was, to some degree, the idea that he wanted me to look good because it makes him look good, too.
Later, H went to retrieve something from his car, and told me he would be making a phone call while he was downstairs. I told him that was fine.
When he came back up, H told me that roommate had a friend who might be able to move into the apartment and take over the lease. Which would be great for H! I was actually a little bothered by this. That woman thinks of that place as her home. That apartment was supposed to be our "clean break" with the past (after first sep), a fresh start for us. I was rudely asked to leave (thrown out), and then he goes out of his way to keep her from feeling the same way...and on top of it, she feels like it's her home!! It really just gets me the wrong way.
I didn't want him to know I was bothered. After all, I have promised to keep a lid on my jealousy. But as he was leaving, he could tell something was wrong. He asked me if I was okay. I tried to pass it off as just relaxing, but he said he didn't believe me. Since he has told me, before, that I didn't share what I was really feeling with him...I told him. I told him I was bugged because she felt like it was her home. I could see the sympathy in his eyes...he said he was sorry. I told him I wasn't trying to upset him, that's why I hadn't wanted to bring it up. He told me not to worry about it, that he would be leaving soon, and the whole thing would be over and done with.
H could tell I didn't necessarily want him to leave, but he said he needed to take the time to start packing, and that he would try to come back later. I told him it was okay, he didn't have to. That he could just stay the night there. I must have been too emphatic, because he asked me why I didn't want him to come back! Whoops. I told him I knew he was going out of the way for me, since I had never gone over there (it's 30 minutes away). He said that he wanted to come back, but that it would probably be much later.
He called me a short while after he left. Told me he missed me. I told him that I was sorry I was being emotional, I almost thought it was hormones, because things that shouldn't bother me have been bothering me today and yesterday. He thought he was being overly emotional, too, and we both laughed--sort of an "oh great, we're getting this way at the same time." I told him how I appreciated him coming to see me all of the time, that I knew it was expensive. He said that all I needed to do was keep helping him buy gas, and I said of course I would.
I did make sure to add more genuine compliments, especially about his appearance. That his eyes were beautiful, his arms were really muscular, that he did look like he had gotten bigger in the past couple of years. As in had put on more muscle mass. These seemed to work pretty well.
H did come back last night, around 4am. I hadn't really thought he would, especially since it was storming, but it was very nice. I told him that it was very nice, but that he didn't have to. H said that he wanted to.
I picked up on a couple of important things in the hour before we went to sleep. We were talking, and I was telling H how much I appreciate him, and he told me that he didn't feel like he could live up to my expectations. I asked him what he meant by that. That's something he used to say right around the bomb, so I thought it had more to do with my not acting appreciative. But H said he didn't feel like I was as great as I told all my friends he was. So I asked him what he tells people about me, because I know he always says tons of nice things about me. He said he tells people how beautiful I am, how loving, that I'm nice, smart, and he always brags about my background in martial arts.
I told H that he was what I wanted. He said he wasn't perfect. I said that I knew that, I never thought he was. He said he was just a guy who loved me very much. I told him that nobody loves me like he does.
I had always kind of thought one of the things driving H was he didn't feel good enough, on some level, to be with me. But, on the other hand, I also think I've been too critical of him. I think I need some sort of balance...let him know all the things I like about him, but also let him know that I don't see him in some perfect little fantasy world (which he has accused me of).
Then he told me that he had been afraid he lost me. (WTF? He walked out on me! Didn't say that, though.) He asked me if I had ever felt like I lost him. I told him the first month I felt that way. But, after that, when we were talking a lot, I knew things were going to be okay. He told me how he had missed me really badly (I almost think this was harder on him than me!), and that soon we would be together all the time again. This kind of caught me by surprise...since he's supposed to be moving in with his mom, and I'm getting my own small place.
H, after that, started talking babies again. It's such an irony...I used to be the baby-happy one, and him saying he didn't want any. At all. Ever. Hated kids. Now, he keeps talking babies. He actually asked if we could have one. Soon. As in actually try. I told him we weren't financially stable, that neither one of us had stable employment.
He then asked if we could start trying after he gets back from the army (which would mean in maybe a year or so), because then he'd have more money. I told him maybe, but I wanted to make sure that we were good before we have a kid. He said he thought we were good. ( ) He said he just wanted to start his family, and that he thought a baby would bring us even closer. I told him that kids are always a strain on an R, and that it would make things harder for us. He said he hadn't known that, but still wanted to have a kid soon. Sheesh. It's funny how now that he's interested, I'm the one going, wait, I'm too young, not yet! But, I guess it makes sense...follows the basic idea of DB...he changed his position, so I had to shift one way or another.
The other important thing that occurred to me, just as I was falling asleep, was H's primary LL is acts of service. It was like a brick-falling-on-the-head moment. So obvious, I don't know why I hadn't seen it before. He is always going waaaaay out of his way to do things for me, especially now. (All the driving around just to see me.) He has always done things like that. And, he used to make a big deal out of how much he liked it when I helped him close at the last bar he worked at. And, there were lots of times, at previous jobs, he would ask me to bring him stuff or get things for him. Then, when he dropped the bomb, he complained that I didn't appreciate any of the stuff he had done for me. And, every time I did something nice for him for no reason after the bomb, he was always incredibly surprised and flattered.
So, his first LL is acts of service, and his second is words of appreciation. I can see how much saying the right thing positively effects him.
And I realized that, one of the best ways for me to truly be appreciative, is to not expect him to do these things. H said he wanted to have lunch with me today, that he would pay. So I'm not going to expect it, but enjoy it if he does.
Just visiting you from Newcomers....we miss you! So glad to hear the R is moving forward. Such an inspiration. Must say, it was so interesting to see that you are "feeling" the stuff now that you set aside while DB'ing during the separation. Doesn't Michele talk about that? Anyway, keep up the excellent work....
Yeah. Ironically, I had some of my worst days in a long time this last week. I think it's because my whole detachment was based around the sep--we're not together, I have no claim on him, it doesn't matter what he does because we're broken up... So when the sep was over, a lot of those feelings got released again. Back to working on letting go. Now I'm working with the idea that the old baggage doesn't matter--that was our old R. It's over. Gone. So it's not relevant. This is a brand-new R, even if it is with the same guy. I'm mentalling packing a suitcase and pitching it off a cliff. That seems to help.
And H has been soooo wonderful. I'm not going to give him a hard time just because I'm falling back into the same rut emotionally.
I'm trying to post more in Newcomers...lots of people I still want to see pull through. I know it'll happen, just give it enough time.
H had mentioned he wanted to have lunch with me when he came in at 4am. I was going to wait for him to call, but by noon, (I leave work at 3) I decided to give him a call. He was pretty sleepy, but said he still really wanted to eat with me. We talked for a bit--went in circles about where we wanted to east. These convos have been known to go on for a long time... I realized we were doing that "but I want to make you happy" dance that we get stuck in, and finally started naming places to eat until I hit one he liked.
Well, H left late. Called me, and by then I really need to be leaving for lunch. So we wound up agreeing that I would meet him there instead of him coming to pick me up. I could have been irritated with him for leaving late, but I wasn't. He probably had a hard time getting up.
We ate outside--the weather was very pleasant. I told him I had had babies on the brain... LOL That I was thinking of, down the road, when we had our kid and our own little place with all of our animals, and how nice that would be. But I wanted to make sure we were stable, job-wise. He smiled, said it would be nice, maybe 5 years or so down the road. At least he's calmed down on that front!
We started talking about my mom, who is ridiculously passive agressive. He started to get pretty worked up, said if she didn't respect him, he wouldn't want her anywhere around his kid. And I agree. My mom actually badmouths my brother's gf in front of their S3. And that just isn't right. I don't want her doing that with our kid! So I validated, which wasn't hard, because I am in total agreement.
Of course, then he was mad, so he got more uptight about something else. So he brought up one time when I had gone out to eat with basically his entire family...and we didn't call him, because I thought he would still have been at work. I just validated a bunch here. He was just feeling grumpy in general, no sense arguing with him over something that's in the past anyway. I told him it was my fault, I was sorry, I wouldn't do the same thing again. We went in circles for a couple of minutes--him saying it bugged him, and me calmly validating. I wasn't even that mad at him. He finally said he knew he was dragging something up again, he was just uptight, and didn't know why, and shouldn't keep bugging me with it.
We thought about it for a second, realized it was because he had gotten ticked off talking about my mom. I said maybe he was like me--once he got mad, it just gets more in a cycle. He thought about it for a second, didn't exactly agree, but did say he tended to dwell on something.
So then we started talking about something else, and he began to calm down. (See, only needed to change the topic.) He told me that I always made him feel better.
Since I was getting out of work in an hour anyway, I asked him to hang around the area until I got done so we could get a headstart at looking for apartments. He said that would be okay with him. Again, he is going way out of the way for me... All of these things seem so much more profound when I put them in perspective, that acts of service is his major LL. Got to remember to let him know how much I appreciate him.
Hey Nevanna, checking in on you and things seem to sound like they are going very well. Good job validating and staying calm. You certainly have a lot to teach those of us who have a hard time sitting and listening to the nonsense our S's spew at us sometimes.
Well, I'm glad you think I'm doing pretty good. Sometimes I feel like I'm flailing around in the dark, trying to find the light switch.
I guess I try to not dwell on the junk, while still showing him that I'm listening. H does say lots of really weird things. But, then again, he always has. He's one of those poeople who says he likes to "prepare for the worst"--but, in reality, he's just pessimistic.
I do think validating is what has done me the most good in my sitch. My H has an almost overwhelming need to be heard, appreciated, and accepted. Which I can understand.
H offered to drive me around to go looking at apartments. I made sure to tell him I appreciated it, and offered to buy him some gas.
While we were driving, H asks me if I hate him for the way he did things. (As in, kicked me out of his apartment three months ago.) I told him no, of course not. Did I act like I was still mad? He said I didn't.
The first place we looked at was okay, but gave me a weird vibe. I think it did him, too. It reminded me way too much of the place we lived in before H's current apartment. The cabinets were similar, the layout was similar. H told me I could live wherever I wanted, since he was going to be gone, but I could tell he wasn't comfortable. Which was the whole point of him going along with me to look, anyway.
While we headed to look at the second place, H told me he didn't know how he could have handled things differently. He said he didn't want to do it the way he did. And that he was telling me what was wrong, and I said I understood, but I didn't act like I did. So the only thing left for him to do was show me.
This drives me nuts. I hate it when he makes the whole thing sound reasonable and planned, like he did it on purpose to motivate change in our R. He makes it sound, at times, like he never really intended to leave me. Right. That's why he was telling everyone we were getting a D.
I didn't have a good response. I just nodded along, didn't say anything.
H really liked the second place we looked at. It's a little smaller than what I have now, but it's cheaper, and the place is really nice. Very close to MIL's house. He said, again, that I could live where I want to...but I think it's pretty obvious. I did like the second place a lot, so I'm going to turn in my application later today.
We stopped by MIL's house for a little while, since we were right there, so I could fill out the app. H was talking the whole time about what things of his were going into the apartment--the entertainment center, the king-sized bed. Every time he talks about it, more and more of his stuff is going there. He even talked about setting up his bar in my kitchen...and that's his pride.
We also talked about how we're going to buy a condo or a small repo house after he gets back from basic. I think he's really tired of not having any money. He told me the other day that he was sick of scraping around as a bartender, that he wanted to go to school, and just bartend part-time as a hobby. He's also been trying to shift his sleep schedule to something more normal--he's been going to bed earlier and earlier.
H also mentioned he felt really bad about the fact that I still owed on the lease I had broken to move with him to the apartment he's at now. He said he would help me take care of that as soon as he could.
While we were driving back to pick up my car, H said he was going to miss his friend. I didn't say anything. He asked if that had bothered me, and I admitted it had, but for him not to worry about it. He's too good at reading my body language, even when I'm trying to act like it's okay. (I still hate that girl.)
I went on some errands with him after that. He wanted to pick up some DVD's. I was a little bothered at first--he had made a big deal out of my buying him gas, and he spent more on DVD's. Then I realized that I had said I would buy him gas, for coming to see me all of the time and especially for driving me around earlier. It just reminded me of how he used to buy whatever he wanted, and I always paid all of the bills.
We had taken both cars, him following me. I usually hate to have people follow me--I'm always paranoid of doing something stupid while someone is paying close attention. Yes, a symptom of my insecurity. And it may sound silly, but I didn't even worry when I picked a parking spot about whether or not it was "appropriate."
He was very affectionate the whole time. Commented that he had seen me quite a bit, but hadn't gotten to hold me. Kept walking around with his arm around my waste. Even got so close I was having trouble walking...LOL...something he used to complain that I did.
I offered, again, to help him move if he needed it. He told me that it was okay. I asked if he was trying to avoid getting me around roommate, and he said he was. I told him that made me uncomfortable. He said he just didn't want me giving her any of my evil looks. I said I wouldn't do that, but I understood why he was concerned.
H also asked me, after we left the store, why people thought it was weird that he had the seasons to Friends. He said that he had some people over, and they asked him if the DVD's had belonged to his wife. I told him I didn't know. He said that it was a good show, and that he liked it. I just agreed with him.
We were supposed to go to the gym, but H said he was too tired. He had been tired all day. Said he was just going to go home. I really, really didn't want him to go. I just stood outside leaning on him for a long time. He finally went and got in his car. H could tell I was upset.
He asked me what was wrong, and I just said that I missed him. That I was really getting used to having him around. He told me we would be together all of the time again soon. He then looked at me, and asked if there was something else wrong. I finally admitted there was. He asked what it was. I told him I hated that roommate got to see him when he went to bed, and that she was there when he got up. And that I knew this was all in my head, which was why I didn't want to tell him. He told me he had been with me the last day, and hadn't even seen her for a couple of days. I told him I knew that, that's why I didn't want to say anything. I asked him if he preferred me telling him or not, and he said he'd rather know. He then said he really needed to go, he needed to pack and check on the cats. I told him I would be fine, it was just because he was actually leaving at that moment.
I was too tired to go to the gym myself, but I had already skipped Monday as well, so decided to work out some at home. While I was in the shower afterwards, H called me. I could hear the phone as soon as I turned off the water. I wanted to just run out and grab it, but I am trying to break that habit of jumping all the time to keep him happy. So I tied my hair up and made some hot tea.
I saw that he had called me three times in the maybe 20 minutes I had been in the shower. He even still sounded a little upset when I called him back--said he didn't know why, but he had been worried when I didn't answer. I told him it was okay, I had been kind of anxious, too, the last week. We talked for a little while. He said he was tired, was going to bed as well. I told him to sleep well.
He had left me a vmail. It was kind of rambling, but not too bad--asked me to just at least leave him a message telling him good night. He must have thought I was ignoring him or something when I didn't answer. I sent a response vmail, said ILY, good night, and that I would see him the next day.
You are so lucky that pride and arrogance doesn't get in the way of your H coming Home. I sometimes thin that My h said, he wasn't coming home and getting D'd to so many people that he will feel stupid if he just moves back home.
He also talked some more about roommate. I gritted my teeth, and validated my @$$ off. Told me how she was important to him, how he was glad that she hadn't gotten as upset as he expected. I said she was probably expecting him to move out, anyway. He said how she said something sweet, that they had had a great adventure together. This one really griped me--that stupid little (insert all kinds of nasty names) got to see my H every day...first thing in the morning, as he went to bed...got to see my cats...and felt like that was her home. It makes my blood boil. But I just said it was sweet. He then said, "And see, you were worried she had more feelings than that." Um, yeah, I still think there's something a wrong with her. But all I said was, "You just slapped an 'I told you so' on me." He laughed, apologized, said he hadn't meant it that way. I said I knew that.
I think we both had missed each other too bad. It was very nice. H even commented that I basically never put up a fight. LOL I asked him if he wanted me to put up a token struggle, and he said no. He then asked why I always wanted to. I told him that I loved him. 
