Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, OW Affairs MLC? the Lot

Steve LW and I were writing our posts at the same time. I completely agree with his advice and his assessment of the situation. Definitely cut off the love bomb texts if it happens again. Putting up with that just tells him you are a definitely Plan B. Do NOT be Plan B. You deserve better than that.

AnnKay,

Sorry you're here. That sounds like an awful situation. I'm sure it must be extremelhy stressful. My now ExW was off having an affair while I was caring for our 4yo and 1yo, so that was young, but I'm sure being pregnant while your H has moved out is even more difficult.

Ginger1 had a 6 month old when her husband left for OW. Hopefully she'll weigh in on your thread, and perhaps her or some of the other women on the board will be helpful too.

Your husband is acting very selfishly and immorally, but you're not going to be able to change his mind through logical appeal or moral pressure. Unfortunately your H is going to do what he's going to do and you can't control him. Like LH said, easier said than done, but you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Make sure you're healthy, as is the baby and 3yo.

Help with the timeline...you got pregnant after the first BD and sometime around when he first moved out? Were you actively trying to conceive when you knew he was having an affair?

That's great. I hope you're keeping it up.

Don't believe anything he says to you. He may be completely unsure of what he wants himself, or flat out lying.

A good start. What else?

So this is a long-running thing? He's talked about leaving before?

So the phone is always a MAJOR red flag. Now you know for the future. My wife and I always picked up each others phones to answer a call, or take a picture, or show a video to our kids. All of a sudden...

Sounds like someone isn't too secure with her "relationship".

They all will flat out lie to you. Even when confronted with mountains of evidence. Many here won't even get a confession...some even have folks denying it even while they're moved out with "a friend". Whatever he confessed to...it's worse in reality.

Did any part of you get pregnant to fix the relationship or "lock him down"? I only ask because from what you've said he's told you he's thought about leaving before, and perhaps you knew he had/was having an affair before you got pregnant? You don't have to answer if you don't want, but you may want to self-reflect on that.

It's extremely common for the spouse having an affair to get angry at and treat the other spouse terribly. Projecting their hurt and pain of their immoral actions onto their spouse.

Time to let him. Release him. You can't control him anyway. Don't pressure him. Don't guilt him. Don't emotionally appeal to him. If he wants to be with OW, let him. You can't stop him anyway. Btw...it likely won't end well for the two of them, but unfortunately it might blow up your world in the meantime.

Give some thought about where you want to live. It's about to become very complicated. IF you prefer to move back to England for family and friends support, could you? Make sure you speak to an L, preferably one who's had experience with international laws. Once the divorce starts/happens, your H may be back to block that, but maybe now there's a way to maneuver it and maybe H would even let it happen. Don't know...just food for thought. We've had posters from one coutnry living abroad who had complications.

Make sure to take care of yourself, for your sake and the sake of you child and baby.

Hang in there AnnKay...we'll help however we can.

Thank you, Steve for your valuable input. I realise I need a wake-up call in looking at this. I am normally quite good at compartmentalizing, but I also do not want to feel like I have given up on my marriage by "moving forward."


Yes, of course it would be ideal that he comes home, but I know how far this is from reality at the moment. I am sure a lot people in this forum have said the same thing about not believing that someone they marry could choose to divorce them. I still do not believe that H actually meant what he said about the divorce. Maybe I am blind, but (I thought) we were happy in our marriage and we had no real issue (that I know of or have been communicated about), which makes it even harder for me to adjust expectations.
I even remembered thinking it was all too good to be true. I guess this should have been my first hint that something was wrong.


He has attended all bar one OB appointments so far, but it would be sad if he is not going to be there for the birth. Now that the travel restrictions are getting eased, ironically, my Mother in Law has made arrangements to come first to support me.
Should I ask H straight up whether he was planning to be there for the birth? Especially knowing that it is not always something we can schedule.

Thank you, DejaVu for your support. This post really helped me to see some positives.


This is such a nice way of looking at such a negative situation it nearly made me cry. It might also be the hormones :p Thanks for this. I need this perspective and really needed to hear (read) this right now.


I guess I am afraid that if I did not fight for it, my children will think I denied them from having a complete family in the future.


Thanks for reminding this. I have read these in other posts and forums and I just do not know in practice how you will really "know."

I will certainly do this now. Thanks again for reminding me that I deserve better. It does feel at times as I go through all of these that I am losing a bit of myself.

Thank you for sharing this, BL42. I am sorry that you had to go through your situation. It sounds very hard and unfair. How did you remain positive in caring for your children while grieving for your own marriage?


We were actively trying from end of 2019. Full disclosure, I had previously been diagnosed with Endometriosis, and since early 2021 was suggested to either have a procedure or resort to IVF if we were still interested in being pregnant again. I did not have either, so I honestly did not think I could be pregnant naturally. To answer your question, I did not try to be pregnant to "lock him down," when I did not think that being pregnant was a possibility. I am sure however, that that's what H thinks.


At that time, he needed to also secure a bigger house now that the family is growing and get a psychiatrist to really help him sort out his mental health issues.
And yes, he had been depressed and left me in the past, but this is all before we were married. So far, he had a good 8 years without showing symptoms of being depressed.

H was always fussy about me and his phone, accusing me for not trusting him. I know now! How was it possible for your wife to hide her affair despite you always having access to her phone?


Thank you for this, BL42. It can sometimes feel to me now that H is finally truly happy and having the time of his life with the person he wants to be with, and I am at a dark corner struggling to survive.

I am still thinking about this. I have spoken to a lawyer and was advised at the moment there will not be any complications. I am quite happy here, however, aside from not enough support system. My job is paying quite well and I do not think I will get something similar in the UK. I cannot bear the thought of restarting, at least for the time being. I also do not like the thought of moving my son to a place that is 'foreign' to him. He goes to day care and has a lot of friends from there, so I will hate him to miss out on that. I will probably go back for a period of time, maybe few months after the baby is born, but not sure if I will stay there longer.

A good rule of thumb is to come here BEFORE taking any actions when interaction with H. You have some wise people posting to you. Collectively, we have seen it all. Changing the way you interact and respond to H will be important. We have a lot of experience here making positive changes to our own behaviors, which can jump start yours.

Learning effective ways to set and enforce boundaries as well as improving other areas of communication such as validation will definitely help through this process. It is a process and we all have come out the other side better versions of ourselves.

Embrace change. I wish you well during this difficult time of your life.

HUGS

Thank you, Ready2Change. I really appreciate this and all the posters's advice. I will certainly remember this rule of thumb.

Relating to Ready2Change’s points, there are 2 things I really need H's help with but will value any input.

1. I am supposed to have a Gestational Diabetes test that will normally take at least 2 hours this week or the next. H has been difficult to pin down and despite 'committing' for a timeslot to take me there, he is still complaining that he is very busy. I am a bit fed up feeling like such a burden and although I am trying to be understanding, I am hesitating to just go with one of my friends or maybe on my own. It will be challenging on my own as I need to fast beforehand and because of my fainting, it will be best that I have someone there. Should I just go according to plan (with H), or just say that I am going to get someone else to go with? I am just afraid that he might see this as me being spiteful and not appreciative of is troubles, and might lead him to not be so helpful in the future.

2. I feel quite anxious in the weekends, because it’s normally the time when we spend as a family together. Because of this, I tend to plan one day to spend with close friends. I also feel like my son was starting to feel some dislike towards his Dad, so I see it as a bonding experience aside from it being great help to me. We are coming into Labour Day long weekend, and I had loosely planned to do a girl’s staycation with some of my friends. My H has agreed to watch my son 2 days out of the 3 day weekend. I am now a bit unsure if this is too much, although he seemed to be happy to do it. I just fear that I am missing something here, otherwise, why would he suddenly be so agreeable? Will he just think that I am doing this to get him away from OW, which would be pointless as I would not be physically there. Another part of me thinks that this is his responsibility, so he should step up.

Any perspective to all of this will be greatly appreciated. I just feel sometimes that I am overthinking and making things even more complicated for myself.