This whole process is such m#ndf*ck isn’t it? Even today I still think of my Orig-H…knowing that he is not real. Or gone, or buried. I did love him so much. It really is hard to see the history, the experiences, the love come to this. And to realize someone we idolized and loved could be so cruel and heartless. My H had been cheated on himself, twice (his XW…mom to his kids and another GF not long after that). H almost killed himself over it. Yet, he did the same cruelty towards me. All after I ‘saved’ him according to everyone around him. I feel used. I feel used to raise his kids. Then tossed aside like an old shirt. I agree with you…I think it will be very hard for me to be open and free with love in the future. This experience has affected me. Hardened me. Of course I realize that not everyone out there is to be feared. But now I no longer have trust in my own judgement and not sure I want the risk of ever being hurt this awfully again. Of course, this is where I am today. I try to realize I may feel completely different in a year or more. Sadly, this is my second divorce. I definitely have lost faith in marriage.
Now, we both have to take care of number 1. Ourselves. No one will do it for us. We can’t trust any of the nice things they say about taking care of us. We gave them our hearts and they didn’t keep their word. I truly hope your H comes to his senses and comes back to you someday. But like mentioned above, you make sure he proves it, earns it, and it’s not an easy path. You want to know he is fighting for it against all odds…so that maybe you can trust it. I’m so sorry Stella. You invested even more years into him than I did in my H.
None of this is fair. But no one can take our lives away from us. We still have ourselves inside. We still know who we are, that we lived in grace, did our part, that we tried, that we showed up. The failure of our MR is on them. At least we can sleep better at night knowing that. We may not see the pain in them and they may be pretty good at distracting themselves from it sometimes, but at some point it will be impossible to deny. They will have to face the harm they have done and the loss of someone who truly loved them. They will realize what they had. But even if that takes forever, we can’t just sit here and wait. We need to move forward and go after our best lives. Letting them completely destroy us would give them even more. They don’t deserve that. I refuse to do that. The best revenge is the best life lived right? Let’s reach for that.
Stay strong. Don’t fall for the crumbs of manipulation. Only believe when the signs are so strong there is no denying he is trying. Right now, I think your H is trying to keep you hanging and trying to make sure you don’t take him to the bank. Neither of that is love. That’s called self preservation.
Hang in there.
El
PS. I love cats too. I have one. She is a little feisty. Sorry you lost your Stella.
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
I like hearing the story behind a person’s screen name. Stella was and is special; one of a kind. Read that, clearly. Kitten and you (Stella). Special. Never to be another.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I am in pain right now, I miss him, but he has done so much damage to me emotionally, mentally, he abandoned me. How am I going to feel about that in say, 6 months. How do I process that in a healthy way?
Time. Focus on you. Be better not bitter.
Feelings are fleeting. You will feel differently. Without doubt.
Use the gift of time to continue to move forward. To do your inner work. To grow and heal from this horrible event and pain.
A healthy way. Grieve. Let go. Allow yourself to feel and understand; to accept. Be prepared, and realize, this is a long road, like years. The stages of grief all have different emotional responses within one’s self.
Denial is a mechanism to protect our psyche. It hides knowledge of certain events that would be too much to handle all at once.
Anger and we lash out. One is down right mad at what has happened. The loss of control, the loss of dreams, etc. Loss hurts, and we blame, and therefore get angry. Fate and God usually get a pretty big blast somewhere along this path as well. So do friends and family that don’t really deserve such an emotion directed towards them. And of course, we are anger at ourself too. All that slowly comes out as the veil of denial is lifted over the next while.
Bargaining usually happens once the anger has burnt out and we can feel a bit more clearly. This stage is a strange one. It is the last ditch effort in attempting to hang on to how it was. To keep that pre-loss emotional connection and pre-loss feelings alive. One bargains with God plenty. One bargains with themselves. “God, I’ll stop drinking forever if you just bring back my spouse.”
Depression follows bargaining. With the emotional realization that - no, things ain’t going back to normal - one becomes depressed. This is pretty deep depression for these types of loss. It’s dark and full of sorrow and seems quite inescapable and ceaseless.
Eventually the dark clouds part and light shines through. Acceptance starts and takes hold. It flourishes and grows.
This process takes time. And it will take as long as it takes. Everyone is different. Everyone has different coping mechanisms, life experiences, upbringing, and histories with grief and loss.
The stages are listed in this certain “common” order. However they can, and do, occur in a nonlinear fashion. No matter the loss, denial happens first then grief continues. Stages occur in whatever order needed, and can circle back and repeat (even denial can repeat) as necessary until one finds acceptance. A person can also be within two or more stages at the same time. In fact that is pretty common as things are unveiled bit by bit and will be at different points along being processed.
It is also possible to get stuck within a stage. Denial is a common trap for very hurt minds. Think of our MLCers, they are denying a lot of reality. Depression is another candidate for getting stuck or lost within. It’s counterintuitive that the best progress happens when one doesn’t greatly focus upon it.
This is really a journey of our subconscious. Our emotions. Finding acceptance, which is basically emotional understanding. That lives within the subconscious self. Our conscious controllable thought and actions influence that path and journey.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't know, I don't know if this is something I can forgive, I think I can, but is that my pain talking? My fear? The loss of our dreams?
A subconscious journey. One you can influence.
You control three things, and only three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Thoughts and physical action influence and shape your emotions and beliefs. (Recall my smile / frown demonstration.)
It is totally fine and normal to not know right now. My goodness, for a long time it was “I don’t know”. It starts with understanding and realizing. Like you said, I think I can.
From a guy further along the path: Yes, absolutely, you can forgive! I completely believe that. I live it.
That takes to know, and more time to believe.
That inner work, strengthen beliefs that serve, craft one’s you aspire to, and discard/alter those that do not serve.
Pain and fear do have influence upon you. They do not rule you. You control you. Thoughts, actions, and reactions. You can let go of fear. And you can work through and accept the pain.
I know you are reading my threads, have you reached my talking about fear? It starts (if I remember) - You find yourself curled up on the floor, eyes closed tight.
My path focused on understanding, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. I found acceptance, forgiveness, peace, and contentment. I focused on living in the light.
There is another acceptance which is less uplifting. An acceptance based upon just resigning to how it is, rather than living a great life.
Work through the anger, and let it go. Do not carry it forward. Craft and find good noble headings and beliefs, and follow them when all seems dark. Become. Truly become you. The path you have found yourself upon is an incredible opportunity. An opportunity very few people ever get, even fewer see, and even fewer follow. Walk it well and you will live great.
Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't know yet, I would need time to figure out who I am now. I am not the same person I was before BD1, thats for sure. Right now I just feel like a shell of my former self, lost and confused. I do love H and still believe, in my heart, that there is a way, but I do not like MLC H.
It’s ok, and quite possible, to love H and yet not like him.
Take your time and find you. Become whole and healed.
Originally Posted by Stella20
At this point in time, I don't know if I will ever love the way I have in the past, ever again. That pure, trusting, naive love that existed before BD. I know I would never marry again. How do you ever feel that depth of love and trust again, after going through, being in, this?
I once stood right where you are today. I felt the same. Thought the same. And believed the same.
Some advice. Keep your heart soft and squishy. Do not harden to the hurt and pain. Do not construct walls to protect and hide your heart and self.
I love.
I really do. I love again. I trust again. I have that ability.
Love and trust comes from within, not from others nor their actions. When you heal, really heal, you will be amazed at how you feel, how you think, and how you believe.
Have faith.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I am sorry for what you are going through El, no one deserves this.
Yes, the whole sitch is messed up and will never make any sense. Trusting, loving opening your heart again, all things I am questioning right now. Told my girlfriend the other day that I must have bad taste in men. Can I even trust my own judgement anymore? Lots of questions rolling around inside my head this morning.
Why would I even want him back? He is emotionally immature, I see this when I look back. Always great with his job, but when it came to being at home or with his friends, different person. Could never sit still, always had to be the one to plan the party, or the fun. Like with our pool, I am happy to grab a good book and just float around, with just the sounds of nature. H, had to have a TV our there or the radio blaring, always coming up with games to play. He always had problems just sitting with himself, being still so to say. Pretty sure he has ADHD.
The drinking, not as bad as it is right now, but its always been there. I think he has been self medicating for years. Many a vacations I had to babysit him if he got too drunk. His last and 4th DUI that cost us $15000, totally irrsponsible, and disrespectful to our M, to me and to himself. He was lucky he did not lose his job. We could have lost alot more if he would have gone to jail.
I had a miscarriage on my birthday, years ago. He dropped me off, cuz he had to go bowling that night, had his mom pick me up. He says now that is his biggest regret in live, but WTF. He has had issues for many years, always putting himself first. He was loving towards me, and treated me good, but, by no means was he perfect. Who is right? Just some thoughts this morning.
Always thought that because we were never able to have children that either one of us really ever matured. Him more so, I always felt like I had to be the adult, the responsible one. I just excepted that as our dynamic. We were just enjoying life, having fun, we were both still being responsible.
DnJ, thank you, Be better not bitter, I love that. Your words always feel like a great big hug for me. Wise and comforting, and gives me alot to think about and look inward. So many emotions that I am going through right now, that only folks that have gone through this can understand and speak to. Trying to talk to anyone about this, they think your crazy, because what they are doing is.. Hard to explain the split person that I have seen when he is telling everyone he is just fine.
I am greatful for everyone here, thank you all for going on this journy with me. I have to run, appointment this morning.
I've asked this before but it bears repeating - is there a club somewhere for cheating spouses? You pay a membership fee and get the Cheater's handbook, complete with cheatsheet of lines for the unsuspecting spouse?
"I'll take care of you" is on that cheat sheet for sure.
Probably underwritten by ads from sleazeball lawyers ...
Yes, I got that line, along with "There's noone else" and "we can mediate and come to a fair agreement without being raped by unscrupulous lawyers" ... then after I went to a lawyer to find out my rights and retained one for $3500 ... he went and found the most b@llbusting attorney who charged a $15k retainer for an uncontested, mediated divorce. He p!$$ed through half that money in 7 months, before he realized she was creating conflict where there had never been before and he fired her.
Here's the advice I paid $350 an hour for from a mediator who also did marriage mediation, didn't believe in divorce and tried to help couples save their families:
1. Know what you want. Take all the time you need to know what YOU want, separate from your spouse.
2. A divorce settlement is a BUSINESS AGREEMENT between two parties, much like the dissolution of a corporation. NO ROOM FOR EMOTION. Treat the business piece as a business and emote elsewhere. This place is great for venting.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am sorry for what you are going through El, no one deserves this.
Yes, the whole sitch is messed up and will never make any sense. Trusting, loving opening your heart again, all things I am questioning right now. Told my girlfriend the other day that I must have bad taste in men. Can I even trust my own judgement anymore? Lots of questions rolling around inside my head this morning.
Why would I even want him back? He is emotionally immature, I see this when I look back. Always great with his job, but when it came to being at home or with his friends, different person. Could never sit still, always had to be the one to plan the party, or the fun. Like with our pool, I am happy to grab a good book and just float around, with just the sounds of nature. H, had to have a TV our there or the radio blaring, always coming up with games to play. He always had problems just sitting with himself, being still so to say. Pretty sure he has ADHD.
The drinking, not as bad as it is right now, but its always been there. I think he has been self medicating for years. Many a vacations I had to babysit him if he got too drunk. His last and 4th DUI that cost us $15000, totally irrsponsible, and disrespectful to our M, to me and to himself. He was lucky he did not lose his job. We could have lost alot more if he would have gone to jail.
I had a miscarriage on my birthday, years ago. He dropped me off, cuz he had to go bowling that night, had his mom pick me up. He says now that is his biggest regret in live, but WTF. He has had issues for many years, always putting himself first. He was loving towards me, and treated me good, but, by no means was he perfect. Who is right? Just some thoughts this morning.
Always thought that because we were never able to have children that either one of us really ever matured. Him more so, I always felt like I had to be the adult, the responsible one. I just excepted that as our dynamic. We were just enjoying life, having fun, we were both still being responsible.
DnJ, thank you, Be better not bitter, I love that. Your words always feel like a great big hug for me. Wise and comforting, and gives me alot to think about and look inward. So many emotions that I am going through right now, that only folks that have gone through this can understand and speak to. Trying to talk to anyone about this, they think your crazy, because what they are doing is.. Hard to explain the split person that I have seen when he is telling everyone he is just fine.
I am greatful for everyone here, thank you all for going on this journy with me. I have to run, appointment this morning.
Hugs to all Stella...meow
Yikes 4 DUIs. That's jail time for sure here.
So I am personally not a big MLC guy like your Hs therapist. I do believe it is a component of all long term marriages ending though. At some point I think between ages 40-50 every asks themselves "Is this all there is to life?". People who healthy and have come from healthy families will internally work though their $hit. People who are not healthy/mature will look for their more/happiness externally. It's unfortunate because you have absolutely no control over it and you are left picking up the pieces.
I am glad that you understand it is a journey and you may just find not a bad one at all.
Stella - sounds like your rose colored glasses are slipping!
4 DUIs??? You were married to an immature alcoholic. And possibly a narcissist.
My ex wasn’t a drinker, but he was a narcissist. It took months after we split for me to see it. My BFF, who had known us both for over twenty years, is the one who pointed it out to me. Everything slid into place once I realized it.
I hear some similarities in your story with mine. I’m a bit of an introvert who enjoys relaxing with a good book. Ex was a ball of extroverted energy, the social director, I used to joke he was incapable of just relaxing and reading the Sunday paper. We balanced each other - I thought. I was the responsible one. Since he was a narcissist, so long as I made him look good, things seemed great. But once I developed a medical issue that caused fatigue and a little weight gain (Graves disease) - not so much. A narcissist wants to do what HE wants to do, and as long as you go along with it, that’s fine. Your miscarriage and my illness were inconveniences to our spouses because they interfered with them doing what they wanted to do.
Yeah, I’m not saying blame him for everything - I don’t blame my ex for everything. I saw the red flags and blew past them, I didn’t demand he do the work when he cheated early in our relationship. You may have helped sweep his alcoholism under the rug (not that you are responsible in any way for his problem).
But it helps to see that that “perfect marriage” wasn’t so perfect for you. I know I put a lot of work into making my marriage work and trying to keep my ex happy. I still contend my ex probably couldn’t have stayed married to anyone else that long (24 years). Men I’ve dated since my divorce have shown me how my ex fell short of the ways a man should treat a woman he cares for.
Yes, the whole sitch is messed up and will never make any sense. Trusting, loving opening your heart again, all things I am questioning right now. Told my girlfriend the other day that I must have bad taste in men. Can I even trust my own judgement anymore? Lots of questions rolling around inside my head this morning.
I can only share with you what I have come to believe about myself in this regard. I had a serious long term relationship with two men. One I met at age 20, the other at age 24. The woman I am today wouldn't give the guy I met at 20 a second glance. I mean, he wouldn't get to share a cup of coffee with me. Seriously. The woman I am today would probably agree to a coffee date with the guy I met at 24 (my exh) and maybe, maybe, one dinner date. I'm pretty certain that he'd not get a second date.
My point is, I'm not the person I was at 20, or 24. I'm the sum total of all my experiences, and my observations of those close to me as well. I know so much more about the world, people, and most importantly, I've taken the time since BD to sit alone and really dig deep to understand who I am, what my values are, what my core self believes, respects, how I want to live the rest of my life. My discernment is keener now than it was last time I was single.
I'm sure the same will be true of you on the other side of this. YOu're already asking the right questions for that to be the case.
Don't discount the fact that you were a whole lot younger and more inexperienced when you picked your mate than you are now.
Also, one final thought: because one person is untrustworthy doesn't mean ALL people are untrustworthy.
Ok maybe it was two final thoughts, because there's also this: You don't need to trust anyone else. You need to learn to re-trust yourself. You've been given the gift of time. How will you use it?
Does this make sense?
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
