Yes, I thought about that after, that I should have said that we can only move forward. Hopefully I will get a chance to say that in the future.
Yes, I believe this is a MLC. I just get lost from time to time and doubt what I know to be true. I can not buy into his madness, crazy town rationalizations.
A few other strange actions from yesterday that I recall now... In the basement (his mancave) he noticed that I had unhooked the cable boxes on the 2 tvs in his bar. He asked why, and said what if you have people over and you want to watch tv at the bar. This was always his domain, and having friends over to watch the games in the basement bar was always his thing to do, not mine. He asked about the boxes on the floor, and I said that is to pack up some of the barware that I would think you want. He said that it did not need to be done as he was eventually just going to put stuff at his moms house. Just kind of seemed like he wasn't or hasn't realized that I do not want to stay in our home with all of our memories. Even though I have mentioned that to him over the last few months. Maybe he dosen't want to think of selling the house and thinks it and I will always just be here. Not sure, just reading into it too much.
I have to continue to keep my expectations at zero. As bad as I want my H back, I have to back off....yesterday made me realize how much I missed him, us, the easy conversations about history and friends shared. Seeing him getting some love from Archie the cat, just seeing glimpes of him. I have to think that being in the home after 9 weeks gone had to effect him at some level.
I am trying not to think about the OW, I see that she is just a symptom, and hope that someday he does too. Hearing him say he is in love with her is painful, I know that whatever he thinks he feels for her does not hold a candle to what we had. I try to remind myself of that. I also tell myself that the H I married and have known, would beat the crap out of the H is is now. He was always a guy that gave great advise to others, wish he would talk to that guy...
I also tell myself that the H I married and have known, would beat the crap out of the H is is now.
Lol. Yes, that is likely true!
As for needing to make decisions over memories and mementoes. Doing nothing is doing something.
You do not need to decide today what to keep or get rid of. Pack it up, and store it, if it is in the way or bothers you.
Do not make major irreversible decisions based upon emotions. Those will lead to regret. Find a calm time to make decisions. That applies to much more than mementoes of course.
Take care
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I just want to caution you about putting too much emphasis on the reasons for your H’s departure. Is it MLC? Possibly. Is it that he fell in love with someone else? He thinks so. Could he change his mind? Absolutely? Will he? No one knows. The past at is irrelevant. It only exists in your mind. You are thinking about it and reflecting on it regularly so when you see him, you are filled with sadness and disbelief how he could walk away from so much shared history. Your H’s experience is not the same. He has rewritten your history and focused only on the negative. His walks down memory lane, if he even takes them, are different from yours. They don’t make him want to see you more, they make him want to see you less.
This is a long, long, long road my friend. Reconciliation is possible but sadly, for most people who find their way here, it is not in the cards. I think sometimes we fail to understand just how determined our WAS’ are to start a new life. They didn’t just walk out the door on a whim or by accident. It’s not like there was a big conflict and in the heat of the moment, they decided they were leaving. That kind of situation is different than when someone pretends everything is fine and carries on another life somewhere else with someone else while simultaneously planning their exit.
So please think about this Stella. If you want a chance of ever having marriage 2.0, you have to let him go and start living your life as if he is never coming back. You’ve been through a really traumatic event. Focus on healing and setting yourself up for a good future regardless of what he decides to do. (((HUGS)))
Hi Deja, Thats the hard part, let him go. I don't want to live my life with out him, but I have to change that thought as it is not realistic. I feel like there is a giant battle going on inside of me. A fight with myself to hold on and let go and it is a constant battle. Like I think I can fix him, when I know logically that I can not fix him or control his actions.
Also, from all the advice and guidance that I have received from all of you, I know what I need to do, but yet my heart is still trying to hold on. What I want for H & I is not up to me, he took that choice away from me. Right now I am just trying to get through day by day, and not reach out to him, and give him space. Yesterday was hard, but I made it. This morning, not so much.
Worried about my surgery today, and overthinking and scared, if something goes wrong, and like a idiot I reached out to him this morning. I know my fears for todays surgery is just me overthinking and being over senstive and a emotional wreck, due to what has been going on with H. And how lonely I have been feeling.
H was on his way to a IC session this morning when we spoke, I didn't think he would keep up his IC, so theres that...???? His counsler doesn't believe in MLC, at least thats what H told me at one point in time before he left. He was pleasent, assured me that I was overthinking and that surgery would go fine. Asked me to text him later to let him know that I was ok. I kept it short, I know it was stupid to call him, but I lost that battle with myself this morning.
Anyway, epic fail this morning, but I called him for me not for him. Does that make any sense??? My sadness this morning is off the charts, I hate this. Really hate all of the emotions, the rollercoaster...I know he can't and dosent want to hear from me or about my feelings. He can't even face his own.
Just kind of rambling right now. Brother is taking me to and from the hospital in a hour, surgery at noon.
And you are right, I think about our past together and I don't understand how he can walk away. I am "dumbfounded" (thanks for that word DnJ).
This is not a journy I want to be on, no one wants or deserves to ever be on!!!
Good luck with your surgery today. I know how you feel. Right after my ex filed for divorce I had minor outpatient surgery. I went by myself and probably never felt more alone in my life. But you know what I made it through and so will you. When you get better we can help you work on NC and why it is good for your well being. Take care and be patient with yourself.
PS read Wayfarer's story when you get some time. She is a bad a$$ woman for Wisconsin too.
Best wishes for a speedy recovery. Yes, surgery stirs emotions. It’s ok to be scared. (((Hugs)))
Something for post surgery:
Originally Posted by Stella20
I don't want to live my life with out him, but I have to change that thought as it is not realistic. I feel like there is a giant battle going on inside of me. A fight with myself to hold on and let go and it is a constant battle. Like I think I can fix him, when I know logically that I can not fix him or control his actions.
You are correct. There is a battle waging inside you. And you are not defenceless in this battle.
You greatest weapon is logic and reason. Your controlled thoughts. Mental assertiveness.
Your strong mind is both sword and shield. A sharp sword to cleave the entangling tentacles of H that ensnare you. A brightly polished shield to protect from attacks, projections, incorrect justifications, and such.
You control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. They are the only things a person has direct control of. With that, you influence your emotions and beliefs.
Sword and shield, keep them sharp and bright. You know what to do. Detachment is coming.
Originally Posted by Stella20
This is not a journy I want to be on, no one wants or deserves to ever be on!!!
I hear you. It’s a terrible road to be forced upon.
Be patient and gentle with yourself. This all takes time.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
(((Stella))). You are having a very normal reaction to a incredibly traumatic event. When someone you love and trust chooses to blow up your life in this way, the damage it does to your sense of self, sense of worth, sense of safety, etc… is immense. Do not beat yourself up over actions that are completely understandable, albeit unhelpful. Just know that any action you take to pull your H toward you is more apt to push him away. It might make you feel better in the moment but ultimately it will be more harmful than helpful.
I remember being in the state of mind that you are in right now. Gawd…it was AWFUL. I thought losing my parents was hard. This was beyond that. I was prepared for their deaths. I was not prepared for the death of my marriage. It was not a natural, predictable death…in many ways it was more like a murder. That’s how traumatic it was. If you have some time, read some of my thread. You will see yourself in what I write. You will see the sadness, the disbelief, the anger, the justifications for really unhelpful actions I took. [Some are so embarrassing now when I look back.] Like most people on here, I joined this forum to try to regain my equilibrium by getting my husband back. Again…like most people on here…I eventually came to terms with what had occurred and I regained my equilibrium by getting me back. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of sleepless nights, early morning crying sessions in my shower so my kids wouldn’t see me sad, 3 a.m. posts, etc… but I made it. As time went on, I began to feel more and more like my old self…pre-marriage.
With time and distance and some deliberate actions on your part, you will slowly but surely begin to rebound from this. One of the things that helped me is when I started to force myself to do things that were opposite to how I was feeling. For example… I made myself go to my staff Christmas party even though I wanted to stay home. At New Years, I wanted to curl up into a little ball and sleep the night away so I had a party. I said “yes” to every social invitation that came my way even though I wanted to say “no”. I focused on strengthening some friendships I already had and I made some new friends. I volunteered at a breakfast for the homeless which helped me put things into perspective. I took my kids on a vacation and did some weekend getaways with my sister. In the beginning, it was a lot of “fake it til you make it” but eventually I began to genuinely enjoy myself and I realized I could have a life apart from my H.
Please do not get down on yourself. We have all been where you are. No one on here did this perfectly in the beginning. This is going to take some time but you will eventually regain your footing. Do not be afraid of this. I remember being weirdly afraid of not being sad. Like being sad was the only thing keeping my marriage alive and if I started to feel okay, I would be the one who killed it. When people would post on my thread and tell me things like I am telling you, it was comforting to know that they had come out the other side and were doing well but I did not want to be one of them. I did not want to be detached from my H even though he had clearly detached from me. Eventually, though, as I got more time and distance, I stopped fighting it and it began to happen naturally. When it finally did, what a relief it was Stella. To wake up in the morning and not immediately think of my H. I promise it will be a relief to you too.
Good luck with your surgery. I was glad to read that you have family nearby who can be there for you. (((HUGS)))
Surgery went fine, as always, I was overthinking it. Woke up to massive pain, but they gave me some pretty good meds. Pretty painful this morning as well, but they did cut through muscle.
Weight is down now 30 lbs, to 135, I am 5'5". I haven't seen this weight since early 20's.. As soon as I heal up I am joining that gym, and get in the best shape of my life. I used to work out all of the time, but that kind of fell to the wayside over the last 5 years. So need to make the best of the weight lose!!! Usually I try to work out at home, but it is sporadic. So going to the gym will force me to get out of the house and meet new people.
I see it, see that I need to focus on me, not H. All of the sh*t he has been putting me through has caused all of the health issues I have been having. I need to start taking care of myself. I know it, I see it, I just need to do it. I keep putting up sticky notes on my wall to read everday as I sit here. I have never been a patient person, I always want it now or look how to fix it now.. I am learning patients now, most importantly with myself. Got to just ride the waves as they come, and realize it is not the end of the world. Right now my repetitive saying is going to be "Let him go"
The rollercoaster of feelings and emotions is brutal...to say the least. I get angry over how he has treated me over the last 6 months. The verbal and emotional abuse was horrible, the crap that came out of his mouth after BD1, disgusting, crazy. The drinking and lies. OMG do I get pissed when I remember his actions. Then I remember the history, and get sad. And, like today, I feel ok right now, kind of numb. And this is my battle, I think I want H back and then I think of all the sh*t and think I am crazy to even think that.
I can not tell you how thankfull I am to have found this site and all of you. This is very therapeutic for me. Getting my thoughts typed out, getting your responses and wisdom. Makes me feel less alone.
Sleep, rest, watch a nice movie, go for a walk, and when you're ready, indeed, off to that gym. This is also something which is very therapeutic for me. And the great thing is, I've never had a firmer body now then in the past 20 years. And the weight is stabilized for about a year now so this is also a good extra.
Indeed, your emotions will go all over the place. This is normal, we all have been there, and sometimes still do, but the length of these rollercoasters are decreasing while your are healing slowly.
Use this forum to vent, read, cry, scream, learn,...it will help you moving forward.
Yesterday was a good day, Mom, Dad and my Aunt came over to take care fo me. We all talked about H and what has been going on.
I realized yesterday how hard this is on my Dad, he really loved and respected my H, as we talked I could feel and see his disappointment, anger, confusion and sadness. He does not understand what H is going through or why H would not lean on the family to get through his issues. It really is like a death, the man we all knew and loved is gone. Its the whys, why blow up a life you worked so hard to build? Why turn your back on everyone and all the love and support that H got from me and the whole family?
Same questions I go over in my head ever day. I know the OW is just a symptom, I get that. But I don't understand the justifications in his head. We were a respected couple, good people, lots of friends. H knows he can trust me with his life and that I would never hurt him, at least he use to know that. The OW is a known cheater, multiple affairs, she is not a good person, his friends have no respect for her or what he is doing. One of H's friends has told me on 2 occasions that he had the pleasure(sarcasim) of being around them, that she will just ignore him, no eye contact, does not acknowlege him at all. I would imagine there are alot of our friends that she treats like that, friends of the marriage. I mean, H has got to see this right? Do you think any of that stirs logical thought? Or does he just think that will pass with time? And the OW, she is obviously uncomfortable around H & I's mutual friends.?? Random thoughts this morning.
Anyway I talked with my folks about MLC and what I have learned on this site. MOne of my brothers went through a MLC 5 ish years ago. He divorced his wife of 20 years to go live with the OW. He regrets it every day., still with the OW , he feels stuck nowt . Does not love herr at all. They bought a house togetther, never married, sleep in seperate beds, doesn't souund like happy fantasy lland does it...I have talked to him about H and what I am going through quit a bit. He gets very upset talking to me, brings back all of the pain he caused his XW. He would do anything to take it all back. So good news, my brother woke up about 2 months after he left his wife, but the damage done my Xsil would not forgive.
