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Josh,

I could have written a lot of your first post. All these situations rhyme.

James Dobson wrote Love Must Be Tough - he is with Focus on the Family and some of the book helped me wrap my head around the fact that if a spouse leaves us, we will not be held accountable. That was a big deal for my mindset. 1 Corinthians 7:15 - I think this passage gives you a degree of clearance to go and live in peace. Consider getting that book at the library to skim through.

A book that my counselor referred to me (I go every other week and though I don't like it, I think its healthy when dealing with this situation) was Heartbreak, Mourning, Loss by Ginette Paris. Its short and quick and helped me understand the stages of heartbreak I was going through and began to give me tools to work through it.

My divorce will be final 2/28/2022. I've got two kids caught in the middle and I'm 43. If you WAW is gone, consider finding a way to make peace with it.

And funny enough, the only way to possibly get her back is to move forward.

Good to know. I wish the MC would have been a little more upfront with me if they thought that. I got those vibes from the very first session that my spouse wasn't invested, but I was holding out hope. The D bomb wasn't dropped until the end of the 4 months of counseling, but the implication was there way before we even started MC, which is why I was in panic mode throughout the whole thing and basically did everything the DR book says not to do. Wish I had had this book before all this.


I've had this on my list to read so I will check it out. Without having read it, though, I wouldn't necessarily say I have NGS from what I've heard generally about it. Definitely let way too many things slide in the relationship that were generally unacceptable though.


I'm at the end of my rope, unfortunately. It's been a year and we've talked all of maybe 3 times over the past year. The only way to completely remove myself as plan B is to get the divorce. But I still want to try to snap her out of the divorce trap, but I don't realistically think its going to happen coming from me. Like I said though, due to religious convictions I have not dated anyone and I really want to get on with my life in this area.


I know GAL is for me and not for her, but unfortunately GAL will ultimately not be noticed by her. I dont have any contact with her friends or family, and she started cutting me out of her life before she physically separated. She's already moved on and has most likely erased me from her memory.


I'm pretty much at the point where if she shows no interest in the slightest, I am not going to commit any more effort in trying to get her to stay. But part of moving on with my life is the need to be divorced. I have given it as much time as I can. The only way I would commit more time to it is if, through some last resort, she showed an interest in keeping the marriage together. Thats why I am trying to gather ideas to approach her before telling her to go ahead and file.


Perhaps. But she also led me on to believe she was way more emotionally intelligent than she turned out to be. There were a lot of other red flags other than age that I dismissed to my own demise. Definitely a life lesson for me.


Thanks so much for your response!

Thanks so much LH19. Yes, with the no kids thing it might be a blessing in disguise. But I really hate the thought of having to try to build a life with someone else from scratch and as others who have been through divorce, I'm sure they are with me in feeling robbed of the many years that could have been spent on someone who would actually have been faithful.

I'm definitely not going to wait on her any longer if she is not interested. But I do want to try one last time to snap her out of it, however that may be. If she shows an interest in actually working on the marriage, I can wait a bit longer. But none of the strategies in DB/DR are useful because of the current relationship dynamic. It would be different if we had any face to face contact, spent any time together, etc but we don't. If she wants a divorce, I am going to tell her to go file and it will be on her, even though its not what I want.

My needs were actually quite basic I feel and completely normal. I wanted to grow in intimacy with my spouse - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Even Michele says in her book that a marriage without sexual intimacy is doomed (Overcoming Passion Meltdown chapter). Like I said, she compartmentalized me to fit me into her life. Me nor the marriage were ever a priority. I tried to bring these up as issues and she stonewalled me constantly. Interestingly enough, she wrote me one letter before she moved out (in which she confessed to kissing AP...I think purely out of guilt), but in it she stated that "I (being the OP) dont ask for much". Really my desire was to have a normal healthy marriage. I didn't ask for that much in the relationship. But I guess it was still too much for her. In marriage, I was seeking someone to be my best friend... for life. She was that person before we got married but then came the bait and switch.


I mean, the only thing I can thing of is to approach her and apologize for pressuring her after she separated and ask what I need to change for her to think about recommitting to working on our marriage. But even that to me feels like its more cheese-less tunnel eg continuing to pursue her.

Thank you for the book recommendations. And my conscience is clear before God. I will check them both out. But yea, it does seem like the best path forward is to move on.

Josh,

I can promise you one thing you definitely are not going to snap her out of it. You either need to put your life on hold and wait it out or do the filing and move on with your life. If it clears your conscience you can have one more your either in or you’re out convos. I had to start all over again at 50 and two kids so for you it will be even easier. Sometimes these things just don’t work out and you learn from your mistakes and move on.

Thanks for the brutal truth. I’m so sorry you had to start over at 50. I do realize some people have it off way worse than me. I truly think divorce is one of the most evil non-violent things one person could do to their spouse, assuming that person was faithful to them

I know you told Steve you don't think you have Nice Guy Syndrome, but that sounds like it to a T.


Wanting sex is normal. Different women enjoy sex daily, weekly, or monthly. I'm hearing the frequency worked for you for 2.5yrs, you got married, then it dropped off. Immediately? What changed--i.e., your living situation, your expectations for her, or how often you took her out on a romantic date? Sex doesn't usually drop off after 2.5yrs without kids.


You have no idea what your role was in the marriage's demise?!

This is a standard question when dating.

You didn't respond to Steve's point about an IC. Especially if you have no idea where you went wrong, an IC would be a great investment. You don't want to repeat what just happened with her or anyone else. (You don't want to ruminate ad infinitum, either. There's a balance to introspection vs. moving forward with your life.) Your story is almost entirely about her faults.

This. That quote traveler quoted was the exact line I was referring to when I said I was detecting Nice Guy tendencies. Get and read the book. It has the chance of changing your life.

If I were you, IC would not be optional but mandatory.

Joshua,

Very sorry you're in this situation. We all know it well here and will gladly lend you support and advice.

This is very common. My ExW went to 3 sessions before saying she wanted a divorce. Your W could've done it due to guilt, or perhaps more selfishly because she wanted to be able to tell her friends and family you two "even tried marriage counseling".

Have you consulted a L yet? You may want to, though with no children and a relatively short marriage the support is minimal to nothing. Not sure if your incomes or assets would be a factor.

Time to stop. You've reached out; she's not interested (at least currently). No amount of you reaching out will all of a sudden convince her. You need to go live your life and making it incredible, and maybe she'll reach back out to you.

One of thing things our MC said to me when I called her back after the session my then-W finally admitted to the affair and that she wanted a D is "You should think about what it says about you that you'd want someone in your life who betrayed you." I think about that a lot. To me I was trying to save my marriage and family and didn't want my kids to go through a divorced life, but looking back I was almost certainly acting out of fear for myself as well about being a failure in marriage and not finding someone else. Time has given me a lot more perspective there. So I ask you a similar question...in the ways your describe your W not meeting your needs and making everything but you the priority...what about all that makes you want to keep her in your life?

This is a good area to explore both on your own and with an IC.

This may not be comforting at the moment, and I don't mean to make light of your situation because I completely understand how difficult this whole process is, but with your (relatively) young age and no children it's going to be much easier for your to detach, GAL, and not be tied to someone for the rest of your life (as with kids). At some point down the road you'll appreciate that you found out about her infidelity and it broke off before you had children.

This is very true. MC was never going to fix it because she was in lala land with AP and did not want it to be fixed. In the just 3-4 sessions we had my MC gave us small homework like "hug once after work" and "watch a move together" and my now-ExW wouldn't do any of it. She was checking the box to ease her guilt or tell her friends and family she "even tried counseling"...or whatever, but the result was predetermined regardless of the counselor's methods.

^^^Ding ding ding! Well said. Go out an GAL and make your life awesome.

^^^Another great post.

I second ScottB's recommendation. It's a good book and very relevant to your situation and what I can gather on your faith from your posts.

You're not alone. We all made mistakes here. I did the classic begging and pleading and trying to make nice in the midst of an AP and IHS for months. The only thing any of us can do is learn from it and improve for the future.

You don't necessarily have to file for D or date to remove yourself as Plan B. Resist any attempts to reach out "one more time". Start focusing on you, go out and have fun. You're not going to be able to snap her out of it. She has to come to that realization on her own. I respect the not dating. I refused to date before the D was finalized, which was a year and a half after BD and nearly a year after physical separation. I felt it was the right thing for me morally, the best thing for my kids, and gave me time to work through the process emotionally.

What were they?

Don't do this. It's only going to set you back. You've tried more than once over the last year and a half and she hasn't reciprocated. If she wants to reconcile she'll reach out.

Don't do this. You can't make her file, and telling her "it's on her" is passive-aggressive.

Don't do this. You're suggesting apologizing for pressuring her and then want to ask her what you need to do to get her to reconsider committing to the marriage, which in and of itself is pressure and pursuit.


Hang in there Joshua and keep posting. There are a lot of folks here who have experienced what you're going through and glad to give their time to help.