Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Husband MLC? need help

Hi K,
I have been trying to GAL, winter in my area is brutal. I am looking forward to spring so I can get outside and do some yard work and get the pool ready for summer. I have been going out with friends to get out of the house a few times over the last 2 months. At first I couldn't even leave the house to go to the store. So for now, its a start, going to see if anyone is going out this weekend too. Right now ATTY is recommending that I do not get a job until after court when the set up support. So that will have to wait for now.

As for his stuff, he has taken all of his clothes, but the rest of his junk is still here. I can not do anything with it at this point until the D is final. It is stated in the D papers. And the love nest is a nasty run down house in a really bad neighborhood. He hasn't even been able to unpack all of his clothes due to it being so small. He has to park his $$$$ pretty truck in a 1 lane driveway outside. Totally not what he is accustom to. Our home is in a nice neighbor, with lots of space..He is really slumming it at the OW's..

I am doing what I can to look at all finances, but he has changed passwords on his work retirement accounts, but I did get into them before he changed them. My ATTy is handling all of that now. Court date in end of March to set temp. order for support.

He does not travel for work, and I don't think there has been anyone else in the past. I could be wrong, but after he came back from the trip in May of 2021, I could really feel and see the difference in the way he was acting. I have never seen that in the past. I have asked and he has denyed. Only thing he admits to is that he had started talking to other women before the A, what that means... not really sure. I did find some strange emails to questionable sites with women on it that he had sent his phone # to trying to get someone to call him. That was from October 2020.

Our marriage was not "perfect" but it was good.

Playing the Drums, that sounds awesome....I can play the drums on the WII rockband, but only on easy..lol

He did text me this morning to ask about my Dr. appointment yesterday. I let him know that the surgery is scheduled for next Monday and that I have the paperwork ready for tax filing. He said he would stop by on Saturday to pick it up. I kept my responses short and to the point. I am worried/nervous about seeing him on Saturday, I havent seen him since Dec. 3 and I miss him like crazy. It will be hard to see him and hold it together.

S

Stella, I suggest investing in a Nutribullet or something similar and drinking your meals - healthy smoothies were easier for me to keep in my system in the beginning.

xoxoxo

I swear I am going to study this one day, the bomb drop diet is awfully effective! I suspect it's the large amounts of adrenaline we pump out - like being on speed. If you want to keep the weight off though you will need to adopt healthier eating habits and keep up the exercise. If you still have a lot of weight to lose, check out Eat Like A Bear (simple) or the Obesity Code (detailed) - similar approaches though.


Sounds like he's an alcoholic who has gone off the rails. I recommend the small book The Courage to Change. It's an Alanon book, easy to read, each page is a separate idea, you can open it up anywhere and just read that page. A friend who is in a 12 step program gave it to me when my husband left. Neither of us were drinkers, but the book was very helpful anyway.


I'm not so sure I agree with your attorney. Sure, if you're not working right now H will owe more in temporary support, that's good. But when it comes to the divorce, you may well be assigned "imputed income" - that is, income that you COULD be making if you went back to work - based on your last career. And as a woman in her 50's, the longer you are out of the job market, the harder it is to get back in. If you can get back into the career you had at similar good money, I would do that. If you're never likely to make such good money again, I'd take a job you can do and can get, and if it's less than you were making before, then H will owe you more spousal support, and you'll be better off than if they imputed the last income you had into the calculations. Discuss this with your lawyer. But it's almost always better to be in a position where you don't have to rely on payments from your H, just in case he doesn't come through.


I know this may sound like what I'm saying also - but not really. Get the divorce done, yes, he will only get less generous as time goes on and you want to protect your finances. Striking while he still might feel a little guilt is good. But getting divorced does not mean that you won' get back together - you might. If it will happen, it's a lot more likely to happen if you're out there living an interesting, unexpected life, looking fabulous, maybe with a new hair color or haircut! Nobody ever won their spouse back by clinging and pleading and waiting and hoping. Some have won them back by being strong, having good boundaries, and making the WAS see the consequences of their choices sooner rather than later.

As I posted, my ex is long gone. But when he had his affair a few years before he left, I successfully DBd him by letting go, starting to go out with my girlfriend all dressed up and being mysterious (" where are you going?" "Dancing!" - really just going out for dinner or coffee), focusing on myself, and starting to train for a climb of Mt. Whitney. By the time the climb came around, he wanted to go with me and the marriage was back on. We actually had several good years after that before his final MLC, helped out by a few concussions.

Most WASs want to seamlessly go into their affair partner's arms, but have you as "mommy" still waiting at home in case they change their mind. Hence your H's shocked "why did you file?" . Umm, because you're living with another woman???? Don't sit on the shelf. Get out and live your life. If you honestly think he might come back, then don't date until you're sure he won't or finally divorced. But don't let him know that! It's fine to let him think you might be dating - funny how they don't want us but don't want anyone else to have us either! If you do get back together then you can let him know you weren't actually dating. Sometimes they don't know how much they actually want their spouse until they confront the idea that leaving means YOU might date another GUY!. (When my ex had his affair, I was driving with him in the passenger seat one day, and he picked up my phone and started quizzing me about the unknown numbers in my call list. All suspicious, like I might be cheating - me, who had never given it a moment's thought in all our marriage. I had to point out that the unknown number was our auto mechanic. Talk about projection!)

Your situation is complicated by his alcoholism though, so even if he wants to come back, getting treatment or attending AA should be a pre-requisite.


Let go or be dragged. Find yourself again. Plan big things for this new life of yours, and if he comes back, you'll have a fabulous new life he can join in. If he doesn't, well - you have a fabulous new life!


It's not too late to learn! And can be a good distraction to have a challenge to focus on that has nothing to do with your H or the marriage. Go for it!! I discovered that you cannot be unhappy when you are drumming Highway to Hell - the two things cannot exist in the same space.


Also - since he is an alcoholic - if you can get sufficient assets in the divorce to cover what he would otherwise owe in alimony, take that. It wasn't feasible in my divorce, but it would have been much better for our post-divorce interactions if he could have just given me a lump sum instead of alimony. Writing that check every month just made him so resentful (even though it was a completely fair amount) that he stuck me with every other possible expense that our young adult children needed help with (as if alimony was child support, which it is nOT).. And although my ex has been regular with the alimony checks, not everyone can be counted on for that - especially if he's an alcoholic. He might go so far down the alcoholic rabbit hole that he loses his job and can't continue paying your alimony. It's a safer bet to get the lump sum if you can. If you do take alimony, make sure you have a life insurance policy on him to cover it if he dies.

And no - don't talk to him about your surgery, in fact, stop chatting with him at all. Let him wonder what you are doing, let him feel your absence. Right now he's cake-eating.

Smoothies and Shakes... good idea. I don't need to lose any more weight...can't believe I just said that, first time in my life those words were spoken..lol

Thanks for the advice on the job, I didn't even think of that. Time to up my job search!!! I do not want to go back to what I was doing, it was too stressful. I need to do something I enjoy and can have insurance, but will not be making near the money I was. And there is no way I will every make even half of what H is making. Good thing I invested all these years building him up to be so successful so he can run with it.

As for assests, the only thing he has to work with would be our home, which is paid off, or his retirement accounts. He could give me the house for less years of alimony. Things to discuss with my ATTY.... Also he has a defered Comp plain that is not a IRA or 401K protected, he can change what % gets allocated to it from his pay. I need to speak to my ATTY about how that works, I am worried that he could use that to lesson his spousal support payments.

Yes, he is a alcoholic, and is off the rails now. So is the OW... The OW's H talks to me from time to time. Super nice man, I got a hold of him 2 days after BD, so fortunately or unfortunately I know alot of her background too. She drives them all over the state, drunk drives them all over the state. Her H has told me that she has been doing that alot over the last 5 years, when she started her 1st A. So I worry about that, she could get them both killed....idiot..

I have no desire to date right now, but H has questioned some phone numbers on our bill, he has online access to it. He thinks I am "going out with a group of new friends" and that someone is intrested. I did not correct his thinking on that, let him wonder.

What do your retirement accounts look like? How do they compare to his? One caveat about keeping the house: real estate values right now are sky high in many places. Which means there's a risk to keeping the house. Picture this example: house has risen in value from $200,000 to $300,000 in the last two years. H has a $300,000 retirement account. You trade him his half of the house value for your half of his retirement account, keeping the house. Three years later you decide to sell the house because you're moving in with a new love, but the house value has dropped back to $200,000 in a housing market crash. You end up with $200,000 minus the cost of selling the house and fixing it up to sell so say $175,000. Meanwhile H still has $300,000 plus growth in his retirement account.

Now, since your house is paid off, you could weather a lot of storms. You might be able to live there nicely on a lower income. Does it need a lot of repairs? Is it an older home that could need a new furnace or plumbing repairs or the like? Calculate those expenses into your decision. Is it large enough to share with a roommate to provide more income? Is it too large for one and going to cost a lot in utilities and repairs to keep it going? Are you embedded in your community there or have you always dreamed of moving to another location when you retire?

Also - if you're not sure if you're going to keep it or not, is it worth more than $250,000 more than what you purchased it for? If so, consider the capital gains aspect. There's a $250,000 exclusion for a single person, but $500,000 for a married couple. Let's say your home is worth $500,000 more than the original purchase price. If you sell it as part of the divorce, neither of you owe any capital gains tax on the profit because it falls within the exclusion amount for married couples. But if YOU get the home in the divorce, and then decide to sell it a couple of years later at the same value as when you divorced (to move elsewhere or to move in a with a new love or to downsize) then you will owe capital gains on half of that profit, or on $250,000.

Now, if you love the house, if it is still suitable for you as a single person, you love your neighborhood and it's in good repair so it won't become a money pit, then keep it. But consider your options and the finances involved.

(Also - the advantage of trading something like the retirement account for the house equity is it's YOURS. The alimony could always be revisited if he lost his job or became disabled. The house would still be yours.)

H'S retirement account is about $600,000 more than mine. The house was built in 2004, and we bought it for $212,000, we finished the Basement, put in a inground pool with a back yard paradise (my favorite part of the home) added quartz counter tops throughout, new updated lighting and have put in new carpeting all within the last 5 years. House is worth $400,000 ish, we will be having it appraised at some point. House is in good shape, no major repairs need to be done. But it is around 3300 sq. ft. I do not need all this room, but I could rent out the basement, as there is a full bath down there.

I don't know if I want to keep the house. I have been looking for smaller homes around the area and they are listed form $390,000 to $450,000. Unbelievable how much houses have skyrocketed.

Plus the taxes and insuruane is $650 a month. But if he keeps his job, he makes 350 to 400 a year, spousal support on that would be pretty good, and ATTY thinks we can get it for 9 to 10 years. I would need to get a job for insurance.

VENTING
This is so overwhelming, I havent even really thought this though. Stupid H. Makes me so angry that he is destroying everything we just got done paying off. Just paid the house off Dec. 2020. He was so proud of what we did together, we always planned and saved and talked about our retirement, we both worked to so hard to get to this point, just ride out the next 10 ish years to early retirement, and now he just walks away from it all. The damage he is causing to me and our life is just such a waste of everything we did to get here. I am so sad, angry, disappointed, shattered, frustrated and disgusted.

OW is also going through D and from what her H tells me they are pretty much a even split. My H is gonna take it up the you know what. He is going to really get slapped financially, that has got to cause him, at some point, to stop and think WTF. Is she really worth it??? Part of me thinks maybe, just maybe that the finacial hit will wake him up to reality. But I am not holding my breath. And for what, the OW is disgusting, this is her 3 affair. She is going to cheat on him, pretty sure she already did with her H. And by no means is she a looker, he really did affair down. Not to sound arrogant, but friends have asked me what the heck is he doing with that??? And he calls that love, and special.(vomit) But he has a drinking buddy 24/7 now. Not sure how love is built on destroying lifes...????

I know, its not about her. But, UgHHHHHH I hate her.

Yeah, I too felt like my ex destroyed everything we had just as our youngest was almost done with high school and we could have really enjoyed more travel and adventures together. But what I try to remember is, despite how it ended and despite my ex's narcissism and issues, I got his best years and the best version of him. I probably got more good years than most people get out of their marriages. And I try to remember that when I think about how stupid he was to throw away what we had. And honestly, EVERY man I have dated since my divorce has appreciated me better than my ex did. Most have scratched their heads wondering what my ex was thinking when he left me.

But I have a nice house, bigger and newer than the house we had but in a less expensive neighborhood (we had lived in a very high income area with a lot of superficial people that I don't miss). Now I live in a more middle class, very quiet neighborhood which I like. My house is 2300 sf 4 bed 3 bath - more than I would need for myself, but I bought it knowing my elderly mom would come to live with me about a year after I moved in, (she died in 2019), and that I needed room for my three kids if they bounced home. So far one has lived with me several years, another one lived with me for several years and just moved out last spring, and the one who hasn't lived with me has a disabling medical condition that might affect his ability to fully support himself in the future, so it's always possible that he might need to move home at some point. None of them would live with my ex at this point.

Try to change your focus from what you're losing to what you're gaining - possibilities! And if you like the house and think you want to stay in this town and state, keep it - being able to rent that basement out should pay for your taxes and insurance, and you should still get $100,000 in the trade for his retirement, right?. (This assumes you don't have any retirement savings - why is it all in his accounts? Do you have a pension or other benefits?)

I I have like 350 ish in my retirement accounts, I have a roth and a 401K he has 900 ish.

Sorry about your mom. Its great that you kids stay with you.

I just texted a friend of mine thats a drummer telling him I want drum lessons..lol Being a child of the 80"s it would be cool to learn, not sure if I am cordinatated enough..Lol

Biggest thing for me right now, I miss him, the old him before this sh*t show started, not the monster he is now. I miss my BFF, miss the conversations, miss my partner in crime, miss rolling over at night and touching him. I miss his hugs, miss him tucking me into bed every night for the last 21 years. I miss knowing that he would always have my back, be my rock. My TV was on the fritz the a few weeks ago and I lost it, total emotional melt down, because he always took care of that stuff. (I texted him and he helped me fix it). I miss us, the carefree happy couple that we were, going shopping together, out to lunch, movie night. Everything. The inside jokes, the shared passions, football sundays. I just want my life back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am not having a good night, I am really hurting right now.

Hello Stella

The journey of the LBS is two paths; the emotional side and the business side.

When considering your business path, keep emotions out of it. Using a lawyer is excellent since they are not emotionally embroiled in this. Realize and treat things as a business deal gone sideways.

If you need financial protect or security, get it. Deal with the business at hand. If you are ok finically and need not press things, then perhaps you can risk delaying proceedings. Either decision may, or may not, influence your H. And any influence which might happen could be positive or negative. It is quite difficult to predict how a MLCer will react, for they are driven by their unrealized feelings.

Advice: Do for you. Make decisions based upon your needs and wants. And base those decisions upon logic and reasoned thought. Decisions based upon on emotions usually lead to regret.

The emotional path. Your journey towards healed and whole. The traversing of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Ah, acceptance, which is basically emotional understanding.

This journey is twisting, with many curves and back tracks. There are traps and pitfalls, and many lessons to learn. And, there are many many blessings which will be uncovered and revealed. This is truly an amazing journey. I’d not change a thing, it really is that worth it.

It is pretty clear you are passed denial. And rather obvious you have a nice healthy anger you are expressing. Very nice to see. You don’t want that bottled up inside you.

Working through our feelings occurs on many levels and in many different ways. Conversing is an awesome outlet. Another great venue is physical activity. Something to sweat the anger out of you. Running, jogging, digging in the garden, boxing, hitting and yelling into a pillow. Healthy and safe releases of emotions. Feel the feeling and then let it go. Let it wash over and away.

Feelings are fleeting.

Feelings are born from our subconscious self. They are not directly controllable. They can spring up in a near instant and can fade almost as fast. Any left alone feeling will flit away usually within one to two minutes. Particularly persistent feelings left to their own can last up towards 15-30 minutes.

However, most feelings flit within minutes. Unless they are reinforced. And we reinforce feelings from all manner of input. Thoughts, physical action, beliefs, and even other feelings. We also craft and create feelings from the same that influences them.

How about an example?

Smile. Curve your lips up. Higher. Show a bit of teeth. Do you feel that? See how you feel happy? Immediately happy.

Relax your mouth. See how the feeling fleets. That happiness faded within seconds. Yes?

Now, frown. Curve your lips down. Furrow you eyebrows too. Feeling sad/angry?

Relax again. And it fades.

From plain, to happy, to sad, to plain. All within four sentences.

Feelings are fleeting.

And feelings can be influenced.

Finding emotional understanding / acceptance, that is what the emotional path is about. Seeing our emotions. Understanding them. Being compassionate. Finding empathy. Finding forgiveness. Finding acceptance.

Just a bit of a road map for you. Some encouragement and affirmation that you will be alright. Even those it feels quite different right now.



H and OW have built their relationship upon deceit and lies. Their foundation is like sand, and nothing grand can be build upon such a weak base.

They are not in love. They can tell themselves whatever they like. Yet, it is not true. Neither one is capable of love at this time. They are broken. And broken attracts broken.


Let it go.

She is but a symptom. She is not the prize. You are!

Let her go. She is not worth your energies. You are!

Punch a pillow.

You are doing fine. (((Hug)))

D