So my date was good but I find myself in a quandary. VP is a great guy. On paper, exactly the kind of person I was hoping I would meet. And I can tell he really likes me. We played pool for a couple hours. I beat him badly and he was a good sport about it…lol. We had a nice conversation… talked about our kids, the house I’m building with my sister and BIL (plans are going to the engineer this week) and current events. Afterwards, we walked back to the parking lot and stood awkwardly by our vehicles. I know he really wanted to kiss me but, in that moment guys… I really did not want to kiss him. So I just gave him a quick hug and mumbled something about not being entirely sure I don’t have Covid and basically ran away. [Insert wailing emoji here.]
I don’t understand… he really is a super person but… oh darn…about to quote Ginger after I told her to give it a chance with her date…”something is missing”. I have been wracking my brain about what it could possibly be and two things came to mind. 1. He doesn’t make my heart skip a beat…not even a little bit; and, 2) he doesn’t make me laugh. Those two things are pretty important to me. So I was thinking about whether or not I should agree to a third date and I got a text from him about how he had enjoyed himself and didn’t mind getting beat by me, he likes my eyes, I was smart to forgo a kiss to be on the safe side and that Covid really sux. When I read that, i just had this inner “oh crap” feeling and now I don’t think I want to go out with him a third time because I know I won’t be able to avoid him wanting to kiss me and I just don’t think I’m going to change my mind on that. So now it feels like a lot of pressure to “feel” something and I am really struggling with what to do.
In other news…got to work this morning and had a phone call to let me know that a 13 year-old client from my clinic OD’d the day before and is now in a coma in the ICU. WTF?!?! 13!!!! I just don’t understand how a 13 year-old can be that addicted to drugs. He’s been to the hospital a couple times but it’s never been this bad. Apparently last night they didn’t expect him to live but today he was more stable even though he’s not conscious. My son just turned 14. Drugs are not remotely on his radar. His poor parents. We always knew this could happen. This kid is just addicted and uncooperative with any supports who have tried to work with him. He comes into our clinic and cannot even tolerate 10 minutes with our psychologist before he tells her to go fuch herself. And we can’t commit him or force him to go anywhere against his will. The best place for him would be custody but despite upwards of 100 police contacts, no judge wants to send a 13 year-old who looks like his is 10 years-old to custody…at least not in my province. It is just so frustrating.
Anyway…it’s after 11 and tomorrow is going to be another busy day. (((HUGS))) to all!!!
DejaVu, two dates where you had fun isn’t a bad test drive. If you still think something could build, maybe set expectations. “Last night was fun! I’d like to see you again, but take things slowly.” It seems much of your pressure is coming from the thought of needing to ward of unwanted kisses and other advances. The above should tell them it won’t be your typical third date rule date.
Heart skipping - well, while that’s nice and fun, it can be a poor predictor of a relationship. In my post-divorce dating, all the guys who made my heart skip turned out to be Love Avoidants or otherwise not really available. The longest relationships I have had, have been with men who didn’t make my heart skip at first, including my exH.
Not making you laugh - well, that could be a bigger problem, but two dates might not be enough time for someone’s sense of humor to reveal itself.
I’m for giving him a third date chance.
I’m reminded of a med school classmate who had a crush on me. I never dated him - he seemed too wholesome, “nice”, clean cut, “not my type”. He later met and married a very nice nurse.
I see his posts on FB now. He’s aged very well, his boyish looks now maturely handsome. He obviously still loves his wife and they are enjoying the kind of empty nest adventures I once thought I would have with my exH. It does make me wonder, if I had given him half a chance, maybe my life would have been different?
Wow okay. So let me first say I am commenting in all honesty and not trying to be snarky. I will also admit and will likely repeat that I could turn this around and say it to myself at times. It’s just a thought but I think it’s worth considering. So here we go.
Is it possible it’s you? Is he too real, too much what you want and therefore too scary? The last two guys you dated were pretty clearly not a long term match, for age, for lack of job, for lack of direction and on and on. This guy is the real deal. You admit he’s exactly what you should want and thought you did want. The boys were too young - he’s your age. The boys didn’t have their sht together - he does. The boys were not sure where their lives were going - he does, he’s there. And this scares you!!!??? That’s as much a question as it is a statement.
I’ll say again I’ve gone through the same and may be getting into that arena again right now with someone. It’s one thing to date someone you know is not at your level. It’s a whole other to date your contemporary date your equal. It’s real and that can be scary. She will make me measure up or she will move on (at least that’s my assessment) she may also want more than I do. But not about me.
You may have found a guy that very much checks your boxes yet you’re not excited by him. So the question I see needing to be answered is, is it him or is it something inside of you? Tough question I know but it needs to be dug into. In the end it may be some of both. It still remains or at least appears the wrong guys excite you and the right guy does not or scares you or both.
I may be very correct or way wrong. It’s worth a look.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
You know, it's not often that I agree with Don. I actually came on here to write something similar. Don has dug into it with points that I probably wouldn't be able to enunciate as well.
Now keep in mind that my dating experience is very limited and didn't end well at all. My own opinion is that I was too complacent and was willing to let a fairy-tale write itself. But I was expecting a fairy-tale which at my age is perhaps not the story-line that happens.
I do think that for many people, they have an expectation / belief that dating follows a "standard pattern" - first date hug, second date smooches, third date perhaps both hanky and panky. That may be true for some people, maybe more so for younger people - I don't know.
So - you dodged the smooch on date #2 and fled the scene. Post analysis reasons have been given.
As Don asks though - is this about him or you? I know that for me, especially in this past year that I've been alone, that I've given a lot of thought to how much I enjoy being single and not having someone under-foot. And also how much it would be nice to have someone around to share my life with. Stuck sitting on the fence.
Because I have nothing constructive to say - I'll tell a story.
Quite a few years ago my wife called me from the store she works in across the street to let me know that there was a kitten stuck on the fence behind the shop. I pointed out that gravity continued to work and that perhaps it could assist the kitten. She seemed sure that someone should check on it so I asked my early-teen daughter to go have a look.
A bit later my daughter was walking by and I asked how the kitten was. She said fine - it's in the porch. And suddenly was a new member of the family (he's still doing well - rather elderly now but happy).
Gravity doesn't always work the way it's expected to and getting off the fence can be a pretty scary step.
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PS - Don - don't get a swelled head
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I do think that for many people, they have an expectation / belief that dating follows a "standard pattern" - first date hug, second date smooches, third date perhaps both hanky and panky. That may be true for some people, maybe more so for younger people - I don't know.
And the thing I tried to remind myself: these are grown men who have been disappointed in love before - they can handle it. I think we worry too much about "raising someone's hopes" by giving them another date and then telling them we've decided it doesn't work for us. But really, at this age, any reasonable guy should be able to handle the disappointment. I know when someone seems more interested in us than we are in them at first (which is NOT always the way it ends up!) it can feel like we need to manage their expectations. But you don't!
If there's nothing that you find a dealbreaker or totally off-putting, why not give him a chance to make a better impression? This is one area where blind dates and internet dating are a problem - they put too much pressure on these first meetings. IRL, you would have met this person somewhere, hopefully had time to observe him in his natural habitat and he might have grown on you before you started dating.
When I first met CMM, I wasn't blown away. And honestly, if not for his cancer, I'm not sure how long our relationship would have lasted, as he definitely had some issues that were not ideal for me. But on the other hand, I have never felt so completely loved by another person - he adored me and looked after me. He made my lunches for work and put them in his Star Wars lunch box, sometimes with a sweet note. The sex was, honestly, the best I've ever had (and I've had some pretty good sex in my lifetime!). I couldn't have predicted all that from the first two dates.
- I'll tell a story.