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Nuther,
I'm sorry to hear about your separation from your H. You may want to read my post to Optimist about my general summary regarding coping with a separation. It's general wisdom that is espoused on this board--detachment to manage reactivity to negativity of the WAS, and self-care to take advantage of the opportunity of freedom that a separation provides for personal development.

I had to survive the "dark night of the soul" for the first five months. Daphne Kingma's book "Coming Apart" provided me direction and some clarity on what I was going thru. She identified the stages I was going thru, even though it didn't take away the pain--disbelief, self-blame, blaming the spouse, desperate negotiations, and repossession of the self. Her self-care tips were maintain your habits, rekindle old friendships, cultivate new connections, and be patient with the emotional process. This was my blueprint.

I continued my reading habits of a daily newspaper, weekly current events magazine, and a book on religion, or of professional interest. I continued my habit of exercising at least four times per week. I set goals of attending one social outing and one religious/spiritual service per week.


I experimented by attending two support groups for S/D persons. I attended two different groups to learn meditation and cultivated a growing interest in Buddhism. I joined a weekly movie group. I "dusted-off" my tennis game by playing weekly until I pulled a calf muscle. I also joined a weekly discussion group to rekindle my relationship with my church of 12 years. From these groups, I continue with the discussion group, and a meditation group.

I began having weekly phone conversations with my WAS with the intent of maintaining a friendship, but expecting us to move towards D. I contacted an attorney to put some structure around the dissolution process, and to help put some momentum on the separation process.

She came home to visit and assist me with a medical procedure. I continued to be cordial to her, out of strategy since the separation agreement had not yet been signed, and out of my own desire to do no harm to her or the relationship.

We had a great time during her visit! Our friendship has always been a strength during the M. She ended-up staying for six weeks! She announced during the visit, that she did not want a D! When she left to return to Florida, she called to say how much she missed me. She's now mailing boxes of clothes back to Ohio, and will be returning soon.

I think it's about detachment, self-care, and integrity. If the LBS can work towards these, than you increase the likelihood that a WAS will miss you. If they don't miss you, you're still a better person for having invested in yourself, you won't be overly invested in whether or not they want to reconcile, and you'll be moving towards what Kingma calls the "snap" of your emotional investment towards your WAS.

How are you doing during your separation?

Concerned_Listener

Piecing Friends,
I've received two boxes that my W has mailed with clothes in it--there are six more to follow. She will likely return to Ohio sometime this week. On the messages, she always closes with "Miss you, and love you."

I told her it was her decision whether or not to accompany me to my family's reunion this month. She already made travel plans with a friend. It's probably for the best, as she goes more out of obligation. At least I corrected my earlier unilateral decision, and provided her an option.

Concerned_Listener

Piecing Friends,
My first piecing challenge has arrived! My mother called me last night to tell me that my W is not invited to the family reunion. She states that my sibling is not ready to face my W.

I've been telling my W for the past month that I thought her presence at the reunion might be awkward, particularly since we all stay in the same house. I do believe that she has made other plans for the week.

I can't think of any reason why I should share this information with my W. If she begins to hint that she would like to go, I will have to find a diplomatic way to discourage her.

Cancelling my plans to be with my family, seems unfair to me. My going to the reunion without my W is not going to help the marriage, it's important to me to go. I need a rest away from the worries of the M. If she were to go, it would be very stressful for everyone, and would no longer be a vacation. I hope my W can have some level of insight, and see that it's best that she stay behind this time.

Concerned_Listener

CL,
What if you were to say to your family that she is still your wife and you want her there..?

I personally think it is important to present a united front, if you want this marriage to work. Do they know that you are planning to reunite?

If YOU have re-committed to her, then that should be enough for them, don'tcha think?

I don't know...this is purely my opinion but I think that your W could interpret this in a very bad way and YOU will come out looking like the bad guy. I know you don't want that..

Just some thoughts and can you think of any "meet in the middle" type plans that would appeal to both sides?

Good luck!

Honeypot,
This is a tough call. I don't want my wife to go out of a need to protect her. She would not be welcome at this time. I could insist that she go, or "crash the party." I would "win" on principle, but it would likely be a social disaster.

I tend to see this as an opportunity for her to have a "free pass." She has gone in the past out of obligation. She never likes the accommodations, complains about the insects, and other things. It's not something that she looks forward to, except for the beach aspect.

I understand that my relationship with her is primary. I did offer to her that we travel the first part of the trip by ourselves to a favorite city. She would fly back, and I'd complete the trip on my own. She accepted an invitation to go with a friend to San Francisco, that week.

The timing of this is rough. She still is in Florida, and should be in town this week. From a public standpoint, it looks like we're still separated. It's hard for me to speak with conviction that we're reconciling. There is no reconciliation track-record at this point.

I can only do "damage-control" at this point.

Concerned_Listener

Hello CL

I can identify with your problem, because my sis has lots of nasty things to say about my H and I don't know what would happen if H and I were to get back together...

Can you not encourage your W to go to SF, and say that right at this moment it would be best for "all concerned" if you went to the family reunion on your own, due to family politics? Is your wife actually pressing to go with you?

Livnlearn

LivnLearn,
Thanks for the validation. The message I have been giving my W for the past month, has been that I felt it was best that she not join us this year--that it would likely be awkward, or civility could break-down, and unpleasant words exchanged. She's not pressing to go. However, I don't want her to feel abandoned.

I'll check and make sure that she has plans for that week. She has a brother and his family who'll be in-town for part of the time. I think she might have made plans with a friend to travel to the west coast. If I get any sense from her that this issue is unresolved, I'll see what I can do (short of not going) to compromise, or make the situation easier for her (ex. a separate trip for us).

Concerned_Listener

She will appreciate that you are trying your best to accomadate her. Keep up the good work.

Nitaf

Piecing Friends,
I attended my family reunion in SC (without my W) and feel like my going without her was the best decision given the circumstances. There were residual feelings lingering from past events.

My W apparently behaved inappropriately just prior to our separation at a family vacation last September. She was described to me by my BIL as arrogant and disrespectful towards me and the marriage. Her approval rating with my family is very low at this time.

The topic of my M was off-limits, and people didn't ask me too much about it, except for my BIL, who is the unofficial family spokesperson. I provided him with vague and general answers as to the status of the M, so that he can provide the family with some information.

My sense is that she won't be welcome back to family events until there is a track record of reconciliation. They don't trust her at this time. They're angry with her for the disrespect and arrogance she displayed at the family vacation last September. They're angry with her for bolting a marriage. I understand their position, and validate it.

I think it's going to take close to a years worth of piecing before my W should consider attending a family event. Damage has been done. My family respects my privacy, but I think they'd be happy to see me D my W. I'm going to have to reconcile without their support.

Concerned_Listener

CL,
Glad to hear that you enjoyed yourself at the reunion!

I'm sure you made the right decision; we all know our own families the best and instinctively know what is the best route to take.

In thinking on how to deal with your family, I wonder if it would be best to simply say "It takes two to ruin a marriage and we both take responsibility for what happened. We will put things back together jointly."

And leave it at that.

Because, after all, it is the truth. No one person is to blame for the downfall of a marriage and maybe they just need to be reminded of that. They don't have to know the specifics, however.

Just a thought for you..

Hope you join her soon and continue your good times!

HP