Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Little Gerda Goes Forward with Courage and Safety

Hello Gerda

Lovely to hear about your skating, even upon a bumpy pond. Did S15 enjoy skiing? Did you go with him, or do any yourself?

I believe you did good with telling son about your cancer. That’s a lot to absorb for a lad of 15, or anyone really that’s never been exposed to that sort of mortality kind of thing. True, the impact will appear dark for a while. Teenagers are learning, and need to have opportunities to learn, about empathy, compassion, lost, love, responsibility, etc. They are still teens and a little unaware yet.

It will take some time for him to come around. He also is realizing his responsibilities and choices and impending adulthood, only 3 1/2 short years until he is an adult. Ah, growing up, with all that freedom of an adult comes all that responsibility. S15 sees it and is figuring out where and how he fits in.

And while discussing, he is also starting to see you as not all-powerful. No longer Mom who can do anything, knows everything, and could ground him forever . He is starting to look at your more as an equal - just starting. That, is a big thing for a teenage boy to absorb. Looking at your parents eye to eye, as it were.


Nice to see. S15 came to check on you. Asked how you were feeling. Told you he loves you!

That is wonderful!!!

Give it time. (Very good advice IMHO as well).

S15 will bring up questions about cancer. It may not be with you, although I do believe he will eventually. But, he will seek answers - internet, friends, etc. Do not be surprised when he tells D11. When he asks you, be open and honest and factual. He is an upcoming adult and as long as he is behaving as such he should be treated as such. Think leading and inspiring your own son’s path.


What a segue. It’s almost writes itself.


I am a big proponent of “it only takes one strong stable parent to raise a child”. If the MLCer wants to run off with the unicorns and fairies, then let them. One cannot really stop them anyhow. And if they do not want to step up and be a Dad or Mom, so be it. Sort out custody, child support, and rise your kids solo if needed. It only takes one strong stable parent!

However, most MLC parents do not completely abandon their children, it is a rarity even here. For younger kids, that relationship with MLC Dad or Mom can be confusing, and can turn to weaponizing them. My focus and suggestions always aim towards doing what one can do, given the court’s decisions, child support, custody, and so on; not focusing on what one can’t do. And yes, many times that is not the best or idea situation, although it is what one is facing.

“Why wouldn't he do many of the same things to her that he did to me?”

He most likely will. It would be foolhardy to assume and wish differently. Not the idea or best situation, right? So, what can you do? Not what can’t you do or wish you could do?

Validate D11’s feelings, and in that it validates Dad’s as well with her. Shows her that Dad’s feelings are real - to him. Those feelings of his do not need to be her’s. That more than one view can exist at the same time. It’s not which of Mom or Dad is right. It’s both are right in their own views, and what does D11 see. What does D11 see as right?

H telling his daughter that her Mom is an a$$hole is not good - obviously. Validate it. (I know sounds wrong) Validate doesn’t mean condone or you are ok with it. It is just acknowledging that Dad has different feelings.

From there, you and daughter can explore her feelings and thoughts and believe and values.


D11: Dad thinks you’re an ____ because you are trying to hold on to the house until I’m in college.

G: That’s a shame. It’s too bad he feels that way.

G: We do need a place to live.

G: What do you think about what Dad said?

D11: For sure we need a place to live. And this is my home. I think Dad’s mad.


She will lead the conversation somewhat. However, D11’s journey is not all her’s. She’s eleven, and has a caring Mom who’s behaviour has significant influence. Remember D11 sees Dad 65 days a year, and you the other 300. Who do think (not feel) has the bigger affect and influence upon her.

I believe it our role as the stable parent to do all we can to lift ourselves and our children out of this MLC mess. To stop the cycle from continuing another generation. That takes open age appropriate discussions. Answering tough questions. Leading by example. Things like compassion and forgiveness. Rationalizing fears and doubts.

If you notice my mock conversation between you and D11. You ask about H’s feelings and D11’s thoughts. You want to reinforce that Dad is acting on feelings not logical rational thought. You want to elicit, and speak to, D11’s rational side. Have her answer from a place of reason. Don’t worry she will share plenty of her feelings. Us parents help them tap into their rational logical side which is how they make sense of what is going on. And that is the key to stopping this cycle dead in its tracks. Rational understanding and emotional awareness. Heady words for an eleven year old girl, yet easy enough concepts for her.

H is really something. His wanting a doctor’s note. OMG. Lol. No way! He is not your boss.

He is projecting upon you with such a ferocity. His past trauma(s) from whomever authority figure he has buried within are pressuring him quite a bit. Leave him be. Let him go. Give him to God. He is a lost soul.

As you well know, and stated, there is nothing you can do or say to alter his course. He is behaving like a teenage which leads to that spooky confidant relationship with D11. You didn’t break him, therefore you cannot fix him. Something daughter and son both need to learn as he projects and blames upon them as well.

You are doing really well my friend. I was so moved with S15 coming in to see how you were doing with your back. He might just listen to “the measure of a man”.

(((Hug)))

D

Good morning dear Gerda. Finding out your mom has cancer is a lot to take in at 48 (I speak from experience), let alone 15. Crazy hormones racing around, not sure about life yet, one foot in childhood, the other creeping toward adulthood. He needed to know. He now knows. Likely he will process it in incremental stages. A gentle reminder that our interpretation of the way someone looks at us is not necessarily what's actually going on in that person's mind at the time (we are all guilty of this).

Remember something: YOU are all he has. Please make sure he knows you're not going anywhere. Not sure how you do that, but I trust you will know. He might have a lot of anxiety that something will happen to you before he turns 18 and he will have to live with his dad. He might be upset to learn this after the fact rather than in real time. We just don't know. Keep as much communication open as possible and remember that he's still so young and going through his own changes that he is likely not completely aware of or able to articulate.

Regarding your H putting your daughter in the middle and triangulating through her - no words. We have no control over anything but our attitudes and what we bring to the table, as you are well aware. You do a beautiful job of keeping your side of the street clean and protecting your children as much as you can. The rest is up to God. xoxoxo

I agree, your son is probably afraid of losing you. Reassuring him that you are doing well and cancer-free now, and explaining that you didn't want to worry him when everything was going on with his dad, should help.

But also - now that you've let that genie out of the bottle, I believe you should tell your daughter too. I don't think a teenage be can be trusted not to blurt something out in the middle of an argument with D11. Take the same approach with her. Reassurance.

I am so touched that so many of you chimed in here! It's funny because I stopped posting as often about all the insane things H does to D11 and in general, but this kind of stuff happens pretty much every other week. After a while the stuff that used to scandalize you just becomes the things you record in the records you keep on your H in case you ever get a chance to use them in court (e.g., in case I ever get in front of a judge who gives a .... hoot) and you don't feel like you even need to tell anyone about them. In this case, what was on my mind was where we draw the line about exposing our kid to abuse, so I needed some recent examples! I think DnJ's point, that you can only do what you can do within the boundaries of custody agreements, is spot on. Like making a life post MLCer, you can only work with what you can work with. In the case of my son, he was old enough and strong enough to choose a safer path so he just refuses to see H at all. And H just let it happen, barely even tries anymore. On the other hand, he has a lot of anger and often treats me just like H did. Thank god he has a therapist who knows how to work with him and who he trusts. This man is so solid, has certainly saved him from becoming much worse.

I will write more specific responses soon but just wanted to thank you all so much for all these sustaining words which I was checking daily. Very fortifying words, ideas and just the fact that you all cared so much.

Girl, I know exactly what you mean about son triggering the H Monster buttons. My son's voice even sounds like his father's. Really hard to deal with. For me, when I can step back and see that trigger for what it is, I regain my power and ability to respond, not react. More later xoxoxo

Gerda, I wanted to stop in and say hello and that I think of you often. I just got caught up on your sitch, but to be honest...I wasn't all that far behind. I occasionally get on here just to check on how you are doing. I'm sorry I don't comment to you when I do. You usually have tons of good advice from others so I usually gain more than I can offer by reading what DnJ, kml, butterfly, and others advise you, lol. Thank you all for that!!

I want to tell you what I told Gordie, that I hope that you know that whether you are posting or not, that you have touched the lives of others to such a degree that you are in their thoughts forever now. If you dropped off these boards today and never posted another thing, I would still think of you and gain strength from the support we have offered each other over the years. If NO OTHER GOOD comes from what has happened to us, then the man I am now based on the advise and support I have gained just from being your friend has been worth the trouble. It is hard to see your own light sometimes when we feel like it is being snuffed out by the world around us, but know that your light shines brighter than the brightest lighthouse and many find their way home because of it. I am glad to know you.

To your current situation, navigating this situation with children is HARD. I understand your son's reaction to learning about your cancer. He needs to know that, but its also a lot to process with all that is going on in his world. It is probably hard to be him right now...but luckily he has YOU to help him navigate these troubled waters. He will process the information and eventually be better for it. I bet its already helping him understand things better. Keep being you and this will get better.

And your daughter...it breaks my heart to know that she is being fed such evil drivel from her father, but you know what...I think the line about him referring to you as mama and saying he loved you is such a positive step...regardless of what you may want in the overall outcome. Yeah, he called you an a$$ to your daughter and that was despicable...but he's been disrespecting you for years. What he did do was call you mama to your daughter and admit that he did indeed love you. How hard that must have been to his MLC brain. Was he even capable of having that kind of thought last year? I don't think so. I don't think for a second that it means anything is changing soon or that he will be nice...but it is a step in the right direction. It may be followed with 15 backsteps...but how many forward steps has he exhibited in all this. I can't remember ANY from the time I met you. Its...something. Don't get any expectations or hopes from it, but recognize it.

Gerda, I hope your day is amazing today!! Tomorrow we will worry about tomorrow...but I hope our TODAY is amazing!!

SJohn, I am speechless.

Which we know is unusual for me.

I printed out your post and am carrying it around.

No one ever said something like that to me in my life. (And certainly no man!)

...

But do please post an update. I always wonder what is happening with you.

I'll write more later, too speechless now.

(((Hugs)))

Just realized that Lent starts next week, so I will be taking a 40-day hiatus from the Boards. Will try to post an update before then but just wanted to thank everyone for all the support of late. Love to you all!

XO from Gerda

Gerda, you will be missed! Not just your wise, thoughtful, caring words, but your voice. I wish you much joy, reflection, rest, and peace during the break.