I have to be honest, it feels a little weird. Freeing and terrifying at the same time. A part of me thinks I should have spoken to him first, but given our inability to communicate on anything other than the most logistical of topics, I doubt it would have done any good. I am scared of the reaction (Yail is not the only conflict avoidant of us). A part of me thinks this might be the wake up call he needs, but that is wishful thinking.
I have been delaying restarting the mediation (where we were to discuss childcare/finances) stating that I did not want to do that until the world returns to normal. To block the mediation and then move forward (behind his back) on the D will look like I have some type of bitter tactical agenda. It will be both a kick in the teeth and a trigger to assume the worst of me (again). He will attack based on my "taking food out of the children's mouths", being non-transparent and an emotionless b**ch.
FWIW, I agree it wouldn't have done any good to have discussed this ahead of time with your H. I'm going to guess he would have gone on the rampage regardless of whether you talked to him before or not, asked to restart mediation, etc etc. He doesn't really want this for whatever reasons of his own and he is going to be pi$$ed. But... he's also been gone for two years. He's dating someone else and has introduced her to your kids. What are you supposed to do?? Sit home in the house you can't sell but can't keep him out of? What Yail said about him keeping you hostage really hit me hard, reading it. It isn't right and he is just too self-absorbed (ego-driven?) to see beyond his own desires.
You deserve so much more than this. I'm glad for you taking this step. It is brave and difficult and your strength is shining through.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I agree with May. He's likely to be annoyed at you whatever you do because the status quo - having you and the kids in a place that his 'his' and also having the freedom and privacy to live his life as a single man - suits him. It no longer suits you, so you are taking appropriate and careful action to make a change. It doesn't matter how he interprets your actions - you could tie yourself in knots trying to get him to see things your way, or understand that you have the best of intentions - and still, the outcome would be the same or similar.
FS, I'm glad for you. Does it feel like relief? Holding your breath?
There is no perfect time for any of this but this is your time to make a step in a direction you feel is best. If I might offer one suggestion that comes to mind, you might consider your responses to him ahead of time so you feel confident in responding calmly. Whatever that response might be. "This is not done out of malice or spite, but simply a logical step forward. Just as you have moved forward with ___ I feel the best thing for me is to move forward with formalizing this."
Or whatever your words are. I just don't want him to get under your skin, and for me I feel better when a response is rehearsed if it's an emotional one.
May/Alison - thank you. I don't think it will help to speak to him first. It's not malice - it just serves no purpose. He will get would up and start attacking. Defending myself or keeping my emotions in check takes up too much of my energy, and right now, I need to reserve as much of it as I can for myself and the girls.
He is very reactionary and when he is like that he is irrational (yes, ego driven). The best thing is to give him time to process without my being present. That doesn't mean he will be any more rational, he will just more likely keep the attacks to himself.
PS - I wrote a long and detailed response on your thread the other day, then had to quickly shut down as was asked to share my screen. The perils of video conferencing
Yail - I have rehearsed my words. They are few. The more I use the more irrational he becomes. So, my words will be limited to "I understand" and "I don't think this is appropriate to discuss".
I am so thankful for this community. I know I don't post on other people's threads as much as I use to. I hope that when I am through this period that I can help others as others have helped me. Yail, May, Alison, DV, Dilly and all the others who held my (virtual) hand when he was most awful, or even when he was being ok and the sadness still feel, thank you.
Your words have been something to hold on to in the storm.
Keep posting, we are all here for you. Do you know when he'll be served? Have you thought through what you'll say to the girls?
I hope you can keep a practice going of self-care, self-soothing, whatever things even tiny that support you going forward. Do you have IRL friends who can come support you if you need it? Those two vacations coming up are looking really appealing and timing will probably be perfect for you.
One thing people talk about on here that I found really helpful in terms of thinking about D was that is is a business relationship gone bad. Once all the emotion is out of it, it is simply a contract you are working to extract yourself from with the best possible outcome. He has done everything he can to show you he's moved on. He really, truly shouldn't be angry or surprised that you're saying OK, let's get on with this, then. He will be, but it isn't fair or right. He's the one that broke the contract, not you.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I dropped my paperwork off at the solicitors this morning but only the receptionists are in the office. My solicitor works from home - so I am trying to set up a call to go over the details. I am hoping he'll get served next week when the girls are with me. I'd rather he not open it (and react) when he is with the girls.
I am doing as much self care as possible given the current conditions. Socialising is obvs difficult but I manage to get out a few times a week to meet friends (just takes more organising) and there are the (limited) dating adventures. I continue to experiment with different foods (the subscription meals are really working out for me), and after 5 months of daily yoga, my body is effing amazing.
Re the vacations. Everything is up in the air again due to the 14 day quarantine imposed on travellers returning to the UK from Spain. I will make the holidays happen, it will just be more difficult now.
Everything you say is true and, if my H was not so self centered and biased, then he would see this is me carefully trying to move forward on the trajectory he set us on. But he is self centered, and he is biased, so it will only see the impact on him (and the girls). Consciously he will rationalise it so that what I am doing is harming the girls. But unconsciously, it will be because he is scared this comfortable arrangement will end, and also, that with a solicitor between me and him, he won't be able to bully me into submission.
