Did anyone else have a really difficult time decreasing contact. Prior to DB, I used to text DH the occasional funny message etc. Now I only text in case of emergencies etc. He KNOWS how incredibly sorry I am, he knows I'm working my tail off to change, etc. He just doesn't care. So the ball is entirely in his court and me initiating is pointless. How did others stop apologizing, stop groveling, stop making contact? It's so hard when you feel like you messed up.
Did anyone else have a really difficult time decreasing contact. Prior to DB, I used to text DH the occasional funny message etc. Now I only text in case of emergencies etc. He KNOWS how incredibly sorry I am, he knows I'm working my tail off to change, etc. He just doesn't care. So the ball is entirely in his court and me initiating is pointless. How did others stop apologizing, stop groveling, stop making contact? It's so hard when you feel like you messed up.
Yes, for sure. There were many times things came up I would normally shoot my W a text about which I had to hold back on. At first, despite my counselor, priest, and many websites including this one saying back off and give space I was texting more often things like that and reminders of our relationship and W said I was suffocating her. I undersood their point but was scared that with OM involved giving space would just allow the A to grow. Eventually I got the message and took online resources like this one to heart and stopped. So it happened over time. Now I only communicate about the kids, and mostly through email, though I miss that aspect of a relationship and not having someone to reach out to about funny things with the kids or at home or whatever. My parents and sister have acted as a surrogate to that role now in a lot of ways.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Yeah I think that this is tough because you left and now you want back and he is not wanting to recon. I have heard some coaches say that you are the one to blame when you walk away but once you make it clear that you want to recon they sort of become the dumper now. It could for sure be more Complicated and maybe he wants to see more effort from you because you walked away or maybe he is just done. I am defiantly not an expert at all I’m pretty messy right now but I’m trying. I think the best you can do is have a high value of yourself and keep offering that take it or leave it attitude. You have been demonstrating a geniune concern for him and if he continues to choose not to see it I think it’s on him now. Defiantly being too available is bad. But I do commend you for trying like you have. Don’t let this break you like I have. It’s hard to pick yourself up of the floor by yourself once you get down there lol.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Yeah you're right. Honestly, it makes me so angry. I actually am a high value woman. And while I probably shouldn't have walked out, I took A LOT in that marriage. More than I think most women would. It wasn't like I cheated and ran off. I've read other threads about guys wishing their WAW would come back begging, but I have done that repeatedly starting very early in the separation. At some point, you have to move on. And I think I'm beyond that point. I think I'll use my time on this board and in divorce busters coaching focusing on improving myself and putting DH behind me. The truth is, everyone in the marriage made mistakes. I need to put my resentment at his family behind me for my own wellbeing. And just let him go.
Rusty, you are more than welcome to pull the plug on trying to save your marriage at anytime. I tell LBSs this all the time. One thing that is in your power is to give up and walkaway. File for D, move it along if you already have filed, etc. The general rule is to only do this when you are ready, when you can move on without any regrets. When you can look your kids in the eye one day and say "yes I made mistakes, but I did everything I could to try to save the marriage." So if you can walkaway without regrets, then I say do it. Personally, I don't think you are there yet. So I say you should give it time (see my original response to you again).
But you know if you are ready or not.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes you're correct. One issue I have had (which I think a lot of WAWs have) is that I've made impetuous, reactive decisions based on extreme hurt. I don't say this to excuse my behavoir, but when you are deeply, deeply hurt it is very hard to become centered and just stay the course. I have a plan- be kind, withdraw, give him space and work on myself. I need to just stick with it. Honestly, whether we reunite or not isn't even a consideration anymore because it's entirely out of my hands. I'm not going to date anyone and work on myself regardless of the outcome.
One thing I've considered doing is sending an apology letter to MIL for my part in the fight. Not with the agenda of reconciling with her son, but simply with the purpose of clearing the air and owning my actions. As it stands, she and I cannot be in the same room. This is not ideal for the children. I drafted the letter and read it to my DB coach who said it was really good.
But I haven't sent it. It's so incredibly, incredibly hard to apologize to a woman who hurt me and my family beyond words. Unreasonable demands on me, almost daily calls to DH complaining about me. Then, when I left, she went over and packed up my stuff and put our a doormat with DH's name and the kids names (my name obviously omitted). I mean, ouch. Like it's bad. A huge part of me wants to scream, "You love those grandbabies so much?! Good job destroying their family." But, I left. She helped cause the divide (and I believe she is actively working to prevent any reconciliation), but leaving was my decision and my decision alone. The crazy part is is that I was actually a decent wife. Never cheated, gave her almost weekly access to her grandkids. But....well, here we are.
So, yeah, the letter. Hard to send. Very, very hard. Probably hardest thing I've ever done. But this level of division is not good. It's not good for the kids.
While I certainly can't speak for every woman out there who leaves a marriage, I can tell you what I experienced, what drove me to that decision, etc. If that would be helpful for anyone, then ask away. I find that seeing things from the opposite perspective can prove invaluable.
Your insight would be invaluable to many men here, especially the newer posters.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I had countless family meetings with my kids to get them to understand how to properly seek forgiveness.
This is a forgiveness pattern from my personal notes:
Quote
Apologize (I am sorry...) depersonalize (place action in larger context) shift intentions (I was trying...) solidify commitment to change (take concrete steps to assure no repeats) restore balance (put energy into relationship) Example” I am very sorry I put a dent in your car. Nothing was going right that day. I didn’t want to give it to the valet because I know how much you love your car. So when I parked it myself on the street, that’s when it got hit. I’ve already called several places and got quotes. I’ll take care of it anyway you want. You can either give me the insurance information or I can give you the quotes. I am also going to have them detail the entire car so it will look like new. That’s on me. I feel so badly about this happening.”
These are the three I had my kids focus on: Apologize (I am sorry...) solidify commitment to change (take concrete steps to assure no repeats) restore balance (put energy into relationship)
Even if you do not send the letter, your commitment to making the positive changes is what is important. What is even more important is forgiving MIL (Everyone for that matter).
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I would be happy to answer any questions. Since leaving, I've also made friends with a lot of other women in their late 30s and early 40s who were WAWs, so think of me as your WAW wife spy (sorry, gallows humor I suppose). Honestly, their levels of guilt and accountability run the gamut. I'm probably on the more repentant and traditional side. I never, ever thought I'd get here. Ever. I do not take this lightly.
One universal theme I hear from WAWs is that being a wife and mother is hard. Really hard. I know a lot of guys don't want to hear this, but the amount of work that goes into it and the low level of recognition women often receive from their husbands is difficult. Especially when the kids are young. Your career suffers, your dreams get put on hold, your entire identity becomes being a support system for your husband and children. You tend to lose yourself. I'm not saying that men don't suffer too. But this is the woman's perspective. We usually tell our husbands repeatedly, but they just don't hear it. Resentment builds. If there is a critical, unsupportive family, you are trying to please both the husband and the family. This leads to burn out.
I think back in the day when women went through this they just suffered in silence. Women have options now. But picking divorce is, obviously, not always the best option. When a woman leaves she's often like a wind up toy. All those years of suppressing who she is, of fitting into a mold, she is now ready to move and she often moves forward very erratically. Her actions are impetuous and irrational. She is rebelling against what she feels was years of bondage. She eventually calms down.
Again, this is not to excuse anything. At all. I recognize that a lot of men on here feel deeply, deeply hurt. I do not want to say anything to justify the actions that hurt you. I don't want to minimize your pain. It stinks and I'm sorry.
