Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers New here-heartbroken and confused

I want to add that DH and I had a lovely night taking the kids out for trick or treating. We dressed in matching family costumes and had a lot of good laughs. He loved the dinner I brought and tried to get me to stay longer. He has been reaching out more and lingering since I have withdrawn and focused more on myself and my growth

What do you guys do when you want to text? I've been in the habit of texting DH multiple times a day and I have recently stopped. It feels like I'm losing him by not texting. Like I'm losing the little contact that we did have.

Hey Rusty, I've been following your thread, we seemed to have started posted about the same time. I love how honest and vulnerable you have shown yourself to be through your posts, you seem like a very valuable woman and you should treat yourself as thus. I hope that you get to an outcome that brings you joy and happiness, whatever that outcome may be.

With regard to your question about how to stop contacting, I found this really difficult at first, one of the hardest parts about this journey is that I no longer get to message or call my W every day to talk about whatever is happening in either of our days.

I found that being physically separated from my phone was a big help, keeping busy, and I found a close friend who was happy to hear my life updates that I would normally share with my W. Like anything, if you consistently build a habit it becomes sceond nature. If you've ever tried to start up running or going to the gym, the first days and weeks feel like hell and its a real battle to do it every day. But 3 months in and it feels harder to not stick to the habit than stick to it.

Hope that might be of use!

hi Rustymom,

Hope you are doing OK and I'm so sorry you are here. I have a few thoughts for you to take or leave:

Regarding your H being unwilling to try again-- something I've learned here is that people all have different tolerances for what they are willing to take. For me, I have felt really, really strongly that my H actually leaving-- walking out the door-- was crossing a major and unforgivable line for me, and he had a 2 year PA. I have come to realize talking with people here that my stance bewilders a lot of them-- how could I consider forgiving my H for a 2 year affair but not for separating, when lots of people have concrete examples of separation being invaluable for healing and growth? All I mean by this is that your H could have been incredibly hurt and enraged by you actually leaving and filing, maybe more so than you would have been had things been reversed. For many of LBSs, when you get pushed far enough, anger really kicks in and you see people really leaning on anger and focusing on all the terrible traits of their S and why they are better off without them. I have definitely been in that space (and even now am still struggling with it even though my H is still here and technically wanting to reconcile).

Anyway, it may be that your actually leaving really broke him, maybe he is still in the anger phase, and I'm sure your MIL is feeding it. How he feels, of course, is out of your control. But it may just not be that he's done. Maybe he's still just really hurt and angry and got to a place where he felt he could be healthy and whole without you, and now he's scared to open himself back up to being hurt again. I don't know if that helps or not, and it doesn't really change anything in terms of what you should or shouldn't do... just an observation from the place of an LBS.


This is great! And should tell you to keep doing what you are doing. Don't stop!!! I'd say you want at least a few weeks of this under your belt and observing how he responds before you change anything up.

So first... refer to your post just before this one... he is reaching out more and more! He tried to get you to stay later! Do you see how your stopping texting him all the time is probably giving him the space he needs to actually miss you and want to reach out to connect? So again... why stop what is working? Don't! He may start texting YOU more. But if you don't give him the opportunity to miss you and miss your texts, he will never be motivated to reach out himself.

In the extreme-- and it doesn't seem like your H is in this headspace right now, but I know there were times when my H was-- texting him might have felt like "connecting" to me, but probably felt annoying to him. The last thing you want him to think about you is annoying or pestering. So don't give him that opportunity. I'd be very careful in how you respond, too, when he texts you-- don't go overboard in response. Sometimes a thumbs up emoji or a "thanks!" is all you need. Find a friend to text instead when you feel the need to reach out.

I think you're in good shape, Rusty, I totally do.

Thank you so, so much for your kind words, OnlyBent. I'm trying to become a better woman everyday. The not texting/communicating is hard. But I recognize that this is part of the growing pains. Maybe it's time for me to be with myself for a bit? Maybe I need to embrace this time as a time for reflection and growth instead of viewing it as loneliness that needs to be remedied.

This is hard work! But, at the end of the day, we should both be proud of ourselves that we are on here fighting for the right thing, trying to improve and own our stuff. I'm rooting for you too! We may have made some mistakes, but we are going to come out the other side of this stronger, whatever the outcome.

These are all really good points. Yes, I think something about me leaving after he spent months in therapy really was a final straw for him. I can see clearly why now. For me, the no third child was a really, really hard pill to swallow at the end of my 30s. But, you know what, it was absolutely the right decision. I was just so blinded by grief that I couldn't see it at the time. There is definitely a lesson to be learned in letting my emotions run the show. I definitely have more work to do in terms of being more centered and making rational, non-reactive decisions that can't be taken back.

Your kind words mean a lot! And, you're right begging and pleading and crowding doesn't work. Actually, I haven't texted all day, and he just sent me a text about how the kids love the food I made. So letting him initiate is definitely the correct move. Discipline, restraint and a level head appear to win the day. Thanks again for the advice and encouragement.

So....he gets to go off after "family time" and do whatever he wants. That is what we refer to around here as cake-eating. He's having his cake. And eating it to.

My divorce busters coach felt strongly that it would be a positive thing if DH and I could spend time together as a family. She stressed that I left and filed for divorce and things had gotten so acrimonious between us, that positive, healthy family time would be a good thing. I am really trying to follow her advice.

My situation is a bit complicated because the lines between WAS and LBS are blurred here. DH and I have switched roles. I strongly agree that begging and pleading and relationship talks are not the way to handle this, at all. He needs to initiate all of that. But I think I may have to extend a friendly olive branch and show him that we can create happy memories without me acting like an angry raving lunatic (and I did act like an angry, raving lunatic for a while there. It wasn't justified, but it also wasn't completely without reason.)

Well I will never disagree with a DB coach (assuming it is one of MWD's coaches). But I would bring up with the coach the idea that you may end up "friended". Lots of WASs, and I'd guess even if they started out as the LBS, like to keep their ex around as a "friend". You have to decide if you are okay with just being his friend or not because they may be all he wants.

Yeah it's one of MWD's coaches. Honestly, he seemed ambivalent about the invitation for a joint Halloween (Halloween was supposed to be my holiday with the kids). I offered to do it together and only offered once. He kept bringing it up over and over again, telling me he wasn't sure, he hadn't decided. I told him that was fine, it was whatever he was comfortable with. Ultimately he told me that he wanted to do it together. I said fine. He's very reluctant to spend family time together so I'm not pushing for more. I'm dropping it now. But the read I get is either (1) he's very hurt and together time is painful or (2) he is worried about leading me on. It may even be a mixture of both.

When he did agree, he asked me to come an hour before my scheduled arrival and tried to get me to stay later. He's obviously in a mixed state about all of this. I fully agree that space and distance is key. When I left Halloween he said this was so much fun. I said, "if you ever want to do activities together with the kids that's fine."

I don't know what he wants and I don't think he knows what he wants. My coach insists friendship is the foundation of a solid relationship and it's important to work on the friendship first. I don't really know where to go from here, but I do know that the whole situation needs to be much less acrimonious for the children.

Like I said previously, I acted like a raving lunatic at first. That was obviously wrong and not good for the children. At the very least, I need to be friendly and kind now. What worries me is that while DH clearly sees that I acted like a raving lunatic, I don't think he sees how his behavior contributed to me acting that way. Not that it was justified on my part. It wasn't. But I think it's very easy for him to view his wife as "crazy" without looking at how he may have contributed to that crazy. I'm biting my tongue in terms of giving advice on here because I do not want to say the wrong thing and cause harm. But I will say, in my case, there was a lot of pain and hurt behind all that "rebellion" and "crazy." And some of DH's behaviors contributed to it.