In everyone's experience, do the spouses typically attempt some sort of relationship talk after detachment? I am not bringing up the relationship again to him. When he comes to pick up the kids he always looks so sad. But he wants this, so what more can I possibly do?
Not sure what you mean? WASs (which he now is) start R talks for lots of reasons.
His sadness is his. You can't fix it for him. Remember, do not try to control what you do not have control over. Maybe picking up the kids reminds him that he no longer is with them 24x7 like an intact family. And that makes him sad. Not your monkeys, not your zoo.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
In everyone's experience, do the spouses typically attempt some sort of relationship talk after detachment?
Most of the time, people posting here believe that they can talk their spouse back. This almost always backfires (99.99998%). They have not learned to listen to understand the other person. Instead of validating what the other person is saying/feeling they switch to their POV.
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When he comes to pick up the kids he always looks so sad.
During this time, you can firm up where your responsibility ends and his begins. His emotions belong to him. Yours belong to you. Best thing you can do is not reflect his emotions. You be happy, or at least project that to him. You can validate his emotions. You can empathise, but do not let his emotional state change yours. Easier said than done, but that is part of the growth that can (and should) happen during this process.
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But he wants this, so what more can I possibly do?
You shine. You show him your best you. Today he may believe he wants this, but he may change his mind in the future. Give him time to process. Give yourself time to process. Let go of the outcome.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hi, Rustymom. My heart goes out to you with the MIL issue. I married a mama's boy and I felt he made her priority over me. It does cause tremendous resentment, which can lead to many other negative feelings. It would be many years later when my mindset/heart went wayward, but the disrespect & resentment started in the first year of my M. His mother was a strong influencer in the family. I felt he did not stick up for me when she would tear me down behind my back, and that caused more problems in our MR.
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I walked out due to what I felt was constant criticism, the mounting demands of his family, and treating me like a servant.
Just so I understand, was the criticism coming from members of his family......or your H and MIL?
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From the start, DH has always been a very organized, particular, demanding and controlling person. My ADHD drove him crazy. I would try and try harder to do things correctly, but I’d always fall short.
In the quote above, it sounds as if you tried hard to do things the way your H (and maybe MIL) wanted it done.......but it didn't measure up to their expectations or standards. Were you living under the same roof with his mother?
Rustymom, do the lines between your H's criticism and your MIL's criticism begin to mesh together? In other words, are they alike in how they interact with you? It must cause you to feel as if they are the opposing team, while you, alone, try to satisfy their demands. It becomes too much. The W needs her H's loving support, even if means not agreeing with his family. ((hugs))
Do you feel your H is a bit of a control freak and/or a perfectionist?
Do you think your MIL has narcissist tendencies?
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One night, I’d had enough of the questioning. I’d never had an affair and he knew that. But he could not give me any space. I then made a decision I regret: I asked for a separation. That night I slept in the basement and he loudly stomped around taking down all of our photos. I left with the kids the next morning and went to my mother’s house. He told me I was selfish. Since I left, there were numerous times I tried to patch it up. All to no avail. He was done. His mother is there all the time now and, obviously, she hates me.
Do you feel your MR would stand a much better chance if only your MIL would not interfere, make demands, and voice her criticism? You obviously love your H and want to reconcile. IMHO, if you return without having some personal boundaries and agreements in place, then the separation will have been in vain. I recommend you study the links/threads on the subject of boundaries. Boundaries are to protect your feelings, not control the other person. Agreements are like a contract, where you lay out the terms of reconciliation. and he agrees to respect, support and cooperate with those terms. If he won't agree, then you have a decision to make. Do you continue living under these old conditions, or do you call it quits and begin a new life?
You say you've tried to patch things up several time, to no avail. You started your thread by saying you feel it's hopeless, so what changed to make you want to patch things up? You are pursuing a man who didn't protect you, and apparently, is still not ready. Don't know what you said to try to patch it up, but I would give him plenty of time to live without you. Why return if his attitude hasn't changed? You made a move toward him and he's too deeply influenced by his mother, so back completely off. Don't be texting/calling him. Leave him alone. He's not ready to listen, much less agree to terms of reconciliation. Maybe he'll get sick of his mother being there all the time, talking in his ear about his W. If not, then do you seriously want to walk back into the same situation you left? If he loves you enough, he'll come after you, and he will work with you to have a better MR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes I am trying to do what works but still detach. In the last few weeks I've started dropping off home cooked meals to DH and he loves this. He can't resist good food (pot roast, pot pie).
Okay, so how does this "work"? Isn't his mother taking care of him?
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My divorce busters coach suggested that I invite DH to events with me and the children. But I invite him, he accepts and then backs out. He is invited to Halloween and every day he brings it up and tells me he's still thinking about it. I can't figure out if he wants me to beg or what.
Don't beg! It sounds as if he is wanting to punish you for leaving him. Like, make you crawl back on your hands & knees.
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He KNOWS how incredibly sorry I am, he knows I'm working my tail off to change, etc.
Whoa, whoa, whoa...........what???? Where did this story just change out of nowhere? When did it turn on you doing the changing? I thought you left him b/c of how you were being treated!
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He just doesn't care. So the ball is entirely in his court and me initiating is pointless. How did others stop apologizing, stop groveling, stop making contact? It's so hard when you feel like you messed up.
How to stop apologizing, and stop groveling??? Okay, that's it. You are officially off the WAW list.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks you so much. I am sincere in part of the apologizing, but I am being very careful in what I apologize for. I did have a part in it with MIL, but I want to be very careful as to what that part was. I am NOT sorry I didn't give in to all of her demands. I am sorry that I became so hard nosed towards the end and refused to talk to her about it. I was totally spent at that point. I am sorry that I didn't treat certain situations with more empathy. And, I am very, very sorry that the children recently overheard me say something negative about her to a girlfriend that they repeated in her presence. NOTHING excuses me talking negatively about her in front of the children. That was totally unacceptable on my part.
I do think it would be in the children's best interest if mil and I could patch it up so that we could at least be at a kid's birthday party together. But maybe that is a misplaced concern.
I don't know. I'm pressing pause on sending the letter
Thank you so much for this post. I feel like you really get it. Yes, MIL and DHs criticism was the same- usually that I wasn't organized enough. I think my disorganization bothered DH, but she was there highlighting it and emphasizing it all the time. I felt like I tried harder and harder to please both of them, but I never, ever measured up.
I am now undergoing treatment for ADHD to learn better organizational skills because I am slightly disorganized. But I do feel it was exaggerated etc.
Here's the thing though. MIL criticizes every woman in the family. For instance, her SIL (DH's aunt) is too organized. MIL makes fun of her OCD. So, I really should take whatever she says with a grain of salt.
As for narcissistic tendencies. I don't know if she has npd etc. I do know she can't stand not getting her way especially with her family and will go to extreme lengths to ensure compliance with her demands- guilt trips, pitting family members against each other, screaming and hanging up the phone, having meltdowns on holidays (my first mother's day 2 months after I gave birth to my eldest) involved a screaming fit between her and DH's brother at a fancy restaurant). It was a lot. A LOT.
Yes. He desperately tried to save the marriage for about 6 months before I walked out. Then, when I left, it was like a switch flipped and he was just over it. I know people think I changed my mind because he detached, but the truth is that distance just enabled me to see that our problems were workable. When I came back and asked to try again, he said no. I've asked him like 4-5 times and the answer is always no.
The thing is he really did start setting limits with his mother before I left. I was just so fed up and resentful at that point. But he did try to limit her and enforce some boundaries. It was only after I left that he fell back to listening to everything she had to say about me
