Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Newbie trust/dishonesty issues. Help!

If someone with more experience with this can weigh in here. But I’ve read a lot of things all over that point to giving that a shot. I feel like if your strong, confident and someone she wants to be around that’s your best chance of attracting her back. As long as you don’t chase her at all, and your not too available to her. I would definately be careful of the friend zone as LH said. Good luck brother

Yes, I heard this to. I heard that if she is not WW then you could be softer in your techniques. And I never chased her. She contacted me. I mean, you have to start from somewhere. I agree that if you present yourself as strong and confident and show her the changes your going to grow reattraction. Also, in my particular case (with all the trust and dishonesty issues) I have to show her that she can feel safe with me (both physically and emotionally)
Again, lots of confusion on my end and differing opinions on the board. Wouldn’t mind some advice from some of the vets on the board if they have time

Thanks LH19. I have been receiving mixed opinions on this situation. Some posters are saying keep your distance, others are saying make yourself available (not all the time) so you can show your changes. I get what your saying about friend zoning and happy family but if we don’t start texting the waters with these short encounters how are we supposed to rebuild the R. Do I need to wait until she says she wants to work on the R. I don’t know, I’m totally confused

Ok so if your W is a WW which about 1% are then making yourself available occasionally is ok. But you jumped at the first chance. I often compare the LBS dog to the dog sitting at the dining room table looking for table scraps. You want to turn this around then became mysterious.

As for your changes, it takes many years for a middle age person to make changes. Right now the changes are to get her back and she knows it. The good news is if she is really waiting to see changes in you then you will know it. If she's not which most WW aren't then it won't matter what you do. That's why it's important for the changes to be for you.

Thanks LH19. Yeah, I see your point. I did jump at the first chance. Maybe I should have waited longer. As far as the changes go, yes I understand that these changes take time. I certainly feel that I am a much different person than I was four months ago (I have been busting my butt everyday at learning, understanding, and figuring out who I really am. I gotta say when she smiled at me last night I haven't seen her smile at me like that in years. I think she misses me, is curious about me and wanted to reach out to see where I am at. But I will more cautious in the future. Do I wait for her to reach out again, and then politley turn down her offer to see me? Thoughts?

Yes wait until she reaches out. Never ever pursue a person who is rejecting you. “Sorry I have plans tonight . Gotta run”.

Thanks LH19. Ok, so as I go along here with limited contact (keeping it to just the kids) when will I know when the W has a change of heart and starts pursuing me. Or wants to start working on the marriage? What kinds of actions or feelings might I observe. I really want to talk to her about the R but I know that will push her away even more. How do you know when to talk about the R. Do you wait for months on end? Do you wait for her to bring it up? What happens if she never brings it up?

T,

She just bought a new house so reconciliation is most likely not in the near future. You will know if she wants to reconcile. This is going to take a really long time to play out. You wait until she wants to discuss the relationship. You need to accept that there is nothing you can do right now to make things better. If you want to reconcile you are in a waiting game and need infinite patience. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

T,

If you successfully detach, you'll be able to see things much more clearly and you'll recognize the breadcrumbs for what they are. Focus on that.

Don't bring up the R. She'll have to have a complete change of heart before things can improve. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time and effort. Focus on you. GAL. Gather strength and rise up. She'll take notice of the new you and she'll wonder what happened. The mysterious thing works. My WW is always trying to figure out if I have plans with another woman or if I am dating without telling her.

Don't wait. You have the gift of time. Invest all of your time and effort in you. The dividends will be well worth it and they will help you to rebuild your self-esteem.

Finally, be patient with yourself, it took me four full months to pick myself off the canvas.

-Spiral

Thanks Spiral. Thanks the the advice. I’m slowly starting to retain all this info. It’s hard though, your heart tells you to go out and fight for your marriage. Whatever it takes mentality. I’m hoping things get easier.