Well that was pretty tough. Just dropped off kids to the new house. They were pretty happy. It was all I could do to burst out crying. Really awkward to as in laws were there as well. Seeing w and kids in the house really hurt. Not because I wasn’t happy for them but I should have been there enjoying the experience with them. Instead I’m sitting here at my apartment feeling helpless and hopeless. I just want another chance to show my w I’ve changed. Feels like a nightmare
I can tell you this much for sure. When I do my DBing, backing away, being pleasant you know, all the hard stuff that rips your soul up it works. When I get needy and say something like, "im sorry" or "I don't want a D" she backs off. I know its impossible to do but I would suggest STOP APOLOGIZING, PLEASE DONT TALK ABOUT THE R!! I just did and It was not a good idea. I don't think I blew anything up but yeah it was a backslide. You gotta do your best to act like you are cool and *if* she asks I would say something like *I don't want a D, but if that's what you want okay* and leave it there. Please try to avoid R talks, they don't help man trust me, just had one and it made things awkward. Probably put her back on the defense again too. not good.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Agreed, I haven’t mentioned anything in terms of r for about a month now. We’re still cordial, mostly all business about kid drop off times and such. I saw one poster recommend reading a book called “No more mr. nice guy”. I plan on reading it as I believe I am that guy. Doing things for her for her validation or apologies all the time. I don’t like conflict and if she gets upset I retreat and back away. Part of the nice guy syndrome. Anyways might be worth the read
One other question I have. If my wife asks why I have not been contacting her or why I have been distant, how do I respond to this? One of the complaints she had was I was not engaged enough, that I had "checked out", and that rarely showed her affection. How do I show her these traits if I am supposed to be giving her space, time, and not pursuing?
"You wanted to split and I'm respecting your decision."
You can't really go "show her" and peacock your new and improved self. You probably haven't even cemented your new and improved self yet truly. So give it time and space and let her come to you by being attractive and GAL.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks overrnbw. I appreciate the feedback. Another question I had was how do I rebuild trust in our r. Is there anything that I should specifically be doing. Also I feel that she has lost all respect of me due to my lies and dishonesty throughout the last couple of years. Is this something that is rebuilt over time. How do I show her with actions instead of words that I am changing?
I have been incorporating DB techniques throughout the last couple of weeks, However, I broke one of the rules yesterday, as I asked if she wanted to go for a walk with the dogs. She agreed, and it was nice to see her but she seemed cold when I dropped off the kids last evening.
What I found in my sitch was that as the LBS these kinds of things always backfired. Even if she said yes, I got a small percentage of my old dynamic with her. Usually it left me feeling unfulfilled and worse off than if I had just taken the dogs for a walk by myself.
Your wife is a cat right now. If you reach out for her she will run the other way. But if you sit quietly and keep to yourself, she may jump on on and want some attention. So stop reaching for her.
Last edited by Steve85; 10/05/2001:58 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Tim, I am currently reading Michele's DR book and I'll say that her insights are incredible. Truly incredible. Get it and devour it.
As for regaining your wife's trust, I'd say do your 180s and fix yourself. Since you're not supposed to talk about the 180s with her, then focus on some things that are really evident, like your weight and physique. That's what guys always do anyway, is get more healthy. You're younger than I am, so hopefully it's not so hard to get back to your high school weight. Set that as a goal and start exercising and using weights now that your evenings are free.
Also, start wearing clothes that accentuate how good you look. For me, it was pretty simple. Once I lost 25 pounds I began wearing those ultra comfortable black tees from Costco called 32 Cool and wearing tighter pants; it is not unusual for me to wear the black tee and black tight pants when I'm out. [It used to be baggy jeans and an old t-shirt.] I'm still 20-25 pounds over my high school weight but at my age (late 50s) that's pretty good and my stomach is flat. I went dancing with some friends at a local hangout wearing the tee and some black pants and some very attractive 40-ish gal pulled me over to dance with her. That didn't even happen when I was still single in my 20s! Do a few other things like wear aftershave and keep your hair trimmed so you always look really good.
If you wife notices and says something, then just say that part of fixing yourself is looking good again. You can say that by stopping drinking you're losing weight, and that you replaced drinking with physical conditioning. If she continues the conversation, just be coy and say "I'm glad you noticed." That's better than saying, "I'm doing it for you" or "I'm hoping to win you back" which about everyone here would say is a no-no.
As for her taking off her wedding ring, view it as an emotional thing. She's contemplating ending things forever in her mind, so why wouldn't she do the same externally as well? It's frankly incidental in my view, and it would not have been surprising if she took it off the minute you left for your official new residence. Put yourself in her shoes. She loved you once, she's not sure she does anymore, she wonders if there are men out there for her, she debates redoing her hair, getting new clothes, maybe even getting a boob job. The ring is just a piece of metal, and the wedding certificate is just a piece of paper! When your marriage was good the ring, the diamond, and the certificate did not keep it together -- your love did. So for now, at least, just take it in stride.
She might be sprucing up her look as well. Prepare yourself for it, expect it, so you're not hurt. It also means giving her tiny compliments as well. Perhaps she mostly looked business-like or mom-ish before the separation, but if her hair is done nicer or she shows some cleavage, or wears tighter clothing, view it as a time for a simple compliment. Even if her reply is not what you prefer.
As for her dating ... hmmm. Some guys get really, really upset if their wife, while separated, has dates or relationships. At this stage, I think getting angry or hurt would only poison what you really want to do, which is get her back. She's a woman, still attractive, and she is trying to get a measure of herself now that she might be single again. Let it go. Prepare yourself for it, too. God forbid there is another car in the driveway one day when you go to pick up the kids, and it's a man she is dating. Gulp. Still, if you goal is to get her back, let her go. Maybe she's only testing you anyway.
As for you dating, that is a different animal. Nearly everyone here on DB screams, no-no-no don't date. But I'd say you'll know if and when you're ready. Just be careful, a relationship will consume you and make you think you're in love again. It'll also blind you to the fact that all relationships are great in the beginning.
Most divorcees are really screwed up, just like you are. That's baggage you don't need now. And if I understand correctly, these relationships are often very very sexual, and that too will blind you as you compare it to what you had with your wife. Remember, you want her back! I think the safe approach is that if you're still pretty wounded by what happened, you are not ready for an intense romantic relationship.
On the other hand -- if there is a safe woman you trust, who is willing to listen, then I'd recommend you meet her for coffee once a week and see if she'll be your confidante. [Make sure she's not a friend of your wife because then she might be your wife's source of info for a divorce, and that's not good.] You need someone to bounce ideas off, about your 180s and more, and men usually don't want to do that -- women do. But choose carefully.
About 2-3 weeks after my STBXW walked out, I began a coffee-only friendship with a woman my age, who had left her husband about 3 years earlier, who I knew from the kids' school but was not a friend of my STBXW. She's a knockout, and of course I noticed that and wondered. But she kept things friendship only, she didn't even hug me anymore after the first coffee. And she was invaluable to me, giving me the female perspective on things like children, holidays, etc., when things got tense. I'd text her and she'd reply or call back instantly.
So ... see if you can find a friend like that. Some women just love being in this role. But remember to feed back to her about how valuable she is, men can sometimes be so dismissive or casual with their thank-yous.
Finally, you really should join AA. I know that's probably hard to consider since a lifetime without alcohol is hard to imagine, and perhaps you don't feel your abuse was addictive. But at the very least, for your wife's sake, since you want her back, it would be a good idea.
She sounds like a great lady, by the process with which she made the separation happen. I just wish my ex would have told me a few years earlier that she needed a lot of space and time, rather than waiting until it was too late.
One other question I have. If my wife asks why I have not been contacting her or why I have been distant, how do I respond to this? One of the complaints she had was I was not engaged enough, that I had "checked out", and that rarely showed her affection. How do I show her these traits if I am supposed to be giving her space, time, and not pursuing?
She might never say it, Tim. But if she does, do what the other post said, say "You wanted space and I'm happy to give it to you. Yes, I think you needed it."
If the conversation continues, I recommend you might say things like:
* "Don't take my silence for lack of care. I've never cared more for you and the kids in my life." * "In case you're interested, I am working on communication with both my therapist and some new friends, who know just about everything that's happened." [This tells her you are being successful at communicating.] * "I've been working a lot on Tim 2.0. It's amazing what it's done to me."
If she asks you how you are feeling, be honest but not maudlin. You could say, "I have pain and I have joy. Not at the same time! But the pain goes away each day so that's good." And if you're a Christian man, there are biblical references that will help here. The ones in the OT and NT about being refined by fire, like gold in a furnace.
Thanks Steve85. Right, I get that. I guess the confusion is I have read other threads that indicated that "if something isn't working, then try something else". For instance, reaching out as a friend to go for a coffee or maybe do a workout together (we used to do that all the time). Or is that considered pursuit? I heard one of the DB coaches recommend this to another poster. I'm a little confused about this technique. Also, she just invited me to go trick or treating on Halloween with the kids so that will be nice to connect.
