Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Point of no return

Hi,

I'm 44 and feel like there will.be no future relationship.

Thanks for the continued input - it all makes perfect sense in the rational brain but the illogical mind always takes over. The psychologist I just spoke to briefly reiterated your advice.

I'm just finding it so difficult to function right now and just need to sound off. The problem is my wife was my main connection, so doubly difficult to break free.

I still struggle to get my head around her with someone else, even though it will continue regardless if what we both say. She has had an opportunity to put it on hold and hasn't taken it, so yes I need to recognise she is gone and isn't coming back.

So so hard.

Yeah right. We all think that at one point. IN fact, what if she came back right now? Would you not be willing to forge a new relationship with her? Remember, your old relationship is dead and buried. If you R with her it has to be MR 2.0. A new beginning. Doing what you did before will just get you to BD #2!

So yes, the emotional side of you is saying "no future relationship". But the rational side of you knows that isn't true.



Sounds like you have a good psychologist.

Your illogical, emotional side cannot be trusted. Making decisions based on emotions is what your WAW/WW is doing right now. You need to be thinking clearly and cut through the "feelings". If you read other's threads here you will see that when you go on emotion, it usually never gets you to good decisions on action.



You are not unique. Most of us LBSs were overly attached to our WAS. That is why this is all so troubling and difficult. I like the way LH describes it, as being a loss of control. You are reacting to the loss of control that you thought you had over your life. Unfortunately, that "control" was built on the mistaken notion that you had control over your W too. So once you felt that loss of control over her, your entire life felt out of control.

Fact is DJH, you still have control over....yourself! You seem to keep missing that. Saying things like "sorry I COULDN'T follow advice". Oh you could, you chose not to. And look where it got you. And then "my wife was my main connection". Yeah, that is every loving husband ever. The problem isn't that she was your main connection, but that you were overly attached to that connection.

We live in an imperfect world DJH. Accident, disease, and decisions can all take our "main connection" out of our life at any moment. You have to be properly differentiated and healthy as individual to mourn the loss, but then go on with life!



More sense of loss of control. Let me ask you this: Do you love her enough to want her to be happy.....no matter what? Or are you so concerned about regaining control over your life that you want her, against her will, to disavow OM and come back to you. Even if that means she is a miserable prisoner in a situation she doesn't want to be in? And what kind of relationship would that even make for?!?

SO again, you get to decide. Let the thought of her with OM crush you and rattle you to the point where you are stuck and never able to move forward. Or realize that life is imperfect and that you need to live your best life, regardless of what anyone else (including your WAW) decides to do.

You speak a great deal of sense and trust me I am trying to fight the irrational to follow through on this and which was going just about okay until last night's events.

Agree with the loss if control principle.

Also agree that I would never go back to being the individual I was in 2015, nor would I expect the narrative to go back to that. It would very much have to be 2.0 and even now, when I say I want her back I mean starting at the very foundational level of re-establishing a friendship in a slow timeframe, with the hope of getting to the point where we are both open to discussing and reducing the original issues.

But yes, I need to firstly detach and sort my mental health out and accept she will develop a relationship with OM for some time yet.

It is okay to use the board to sound off your emotions. At the same time, you need to hear what the board is saying. These folks know how you feel, and they know you will not make any headway until you change how you process your thoughts and deal with your emotions. They have pointed out some controlling attempts, and I'll go further and say your text after seeing her with OM, was an attempt to shame her. I'm not saying she didn't deserve it, but it doesn't work in your favor. Therefore, I'd like to suggest you make it a personal rule to not text your W right after seeing her face to face. Your emotions are raw, and it may be challenging to control them......but you can choose how you respond. It's always a choice.



No future relationship with whom? Your W? Someone new? It bothers me when I read where a LBS has placed their self worth into the hands of another person. It's great to be admired, loved, and respected by someone we love and want to share our lives. However, if that individual goes out of their mind, does that make us less desirable, less respectable, less valuable as a person? These days, a 44 yr old male is still young. I am reminded of when I reached my 30th birthday, someone asked my 8 yr old son if knew the age of his mother. He said, "I don't know, but I'd guess about 70". Such an ego booster, that kid of mine! I'm not making fun of your concerns, I'm just trying to lift the mood by assuring you everyone doesn't look through the same pair of eyes.

We have some "vets" who are much further down the road from you, who initially felt pretty much the same as you feel now. They can tell you that life goes on, and that you can be happy with or without your W. If you cut everyone out of your life except her, then you've got to build a new life. Once you decide to let go and leave her alone, you'll start to have healthier thoughts about yourself and your life. Who knows what she'll do with her own life? One thing is for certain, you need a plan of action to guide you through this mess. If you will listen to what the board is saying, you'll start putting it together.

((hugs))

"Feels like"... my goodness there is a phrase I do not like.

You get to decide and create your feelings. It starts with your attitude, goes to your thoughts and actions, and based off of your own internal discourse you decide to "feel something". I would analyze these little stories you are telling yourself and fight to not overindulge them.

Do you want to be your own enemy? Or will you push yourself in the right direction?

You called your W last night? Man oh man....actions speak louder than words. You need to "act as if". Act as if life is going great, act as if she is not your woman anymore. She's out with other men and you've been separated for some time. It seems tough, but it can be easier if you choose that.

I think based on how long your situation has been going on that you should have a higher level of detachment. I have told myself every day for over 2 years that my marriage could end any day. I try to tell myself that my life could end any day. Accept this reality and set priorities based off of that.

There are positives to being single, you just choose not to look at them. Some other lady is already giving you compliments but you're moping around over the one chick who doesn't want you? Say what? If one lady says 10 more think it.

I see myself in you, that's why I keep posting. And I see you have a lot of potential to turn around yourself and your sitch.

Come on, talk to us.