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Just confirmed it is over,

Hold up! You are emotional right now. Likely so is she. I've known LBSs that found their WAS in bed with another person, and they ended up reconciling and having a very long happy marriage afterward. So just slow down, calm down, breathe, and try to think rationally about all of this.

You seeing her with OM, while upsetting, didn't change anything. In other words, if you had never been by them and saw them it would still be going on, but you wouldn't have known!

So take time to process. There is no need to rush out and file for D right now. We have a saying around here: never make decisions about your sitch while you are emotional.

Also DJH, you are going to be fine no matter what. Try to remain calm.

I agree with Steve and LH.

I would addthat a self confident man does not talk about his confidence. As you work towards this, think to yourself about what a confident man would do or say.

There are many things in your sitch that you can't control so you don't worry about it.



Not sure what your second sentence means, but I am going to reiterate something I said earlier: She is not your woman, act accordingly. Do you fret over all of your ex's?

Breathe. I don't think you should be so worked up. You are going to come out of this situation a stronger, better man no matter what your W decides. Make today a great day man!

Sorry - it was meant to say that I text her immediately and made a couple of comments, nothing nasty but that she was rubbing my nose it it and is never thought she would do this to me - especially after just a week ago asking me to write my feelings down for her and even texting me yesterday to give compliments. Obviously just trying to be friendly or mess with my head.

Anyway, resisted the temptation to hang around nearby and see what the next stages are with her having her flat to herself (with the flowers I bought her on display). Tired and numb, so just fine to bed but not much sleep expected.

She doesn't appear to be rubbing your nose in it. I think you are worked up. You need to detach.

She is not your woman, act accordingly my man. Texting her and getting hurt b/c she is out with a guy is weak and I wouldn't do that again.

When it's so close to home and I get messages off her last week saying it's only a couple of drinks and is nothing long term and she asks me to explain my feelings, etc, and then just carries on regardless - I'm afraid I find it extra hurtful.

DJ,

If you want any chance at saving your marriage you better pull up your big boy pants and get your $hit together. Your journey is just beginning and won’t play out for months if not years.

It’s a waiting game right now and you can’t make things better but you can certainly make things worse.

Just an update from me and I appreciate I'm not fully following your advice at the moment.

I got through the night with a couple of hours sleep.

I've ended up having a one hour telephone conversation with my wife. A bit to clear the air, share frustration that she is dating so visibly at this early stage and go back on some topics. Explained that contact will need to be cut. We ended in years but both accepting that it is the end and she will now need to proceed with her new relationship and go from there without me being around. She obviously knows it.

Okay it goes against everything advised so far but will now have to fight to comply with the detachment. I'm broken and can't keep being broken on multiple occasions in the coming weeks and months. I need to accept she is gone and never coming back, even if I'm convinced I could have been really good for her.

I can't see beyond the next hour at the moment. I've spoken to my doctor and they will give me low dose anti-depressents. I'm awaiting a call back from a work counselor and will look into permanent therapy.

I'm sorry I've been unable to follow the advice so far, it is such a shame I didn't find this site a year or so when there may have been time and space to change her thinking and before someone else gave her a distraction.

This is you trying to control her, and her resisting that control. This is why we say never to give ultimatums. It rarely ever works out in your favor. What you were saying was: "If you want us to work you have to end contact with him." That left her with all the power. She could cut contact and stay with you. Or she could end things with you and stay in contact with him.

A better approach would have been "I refuse to share my W with someone else. Either you end all contact with him or I go and file for D." See the difference? YOU are taking power by acknowledging that it is HER choice, but that YOU will take decisive action depending on her choice.

However, do not be fooled. Many WASs have agreed to no contact only to take their A even deeper undercover. Rarely do these exchanges ever result in the WAS recommitting to the marriage. Why? BECAUSE WORDS ARE MEANINGLESS. She can say whatever she wants, and do the opposite. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS.

So yes, this 1 hour phone call was a terrible idea. I assume you are the one that initiated? Which once again makes you look weak, pathetic, and desperate. No man has ever won a woman over with desperation.



This is good, but what are you going to do? Typing this is one thing, putting into action is another. ACTION....NOT WORDS.



I am not a fan of ADs. Masking your pain likely will set you back, not move you forward. Personally I am only an advocate of this approach if the LBS is having thoughts of self harm. The IC is a great idea.



This is wrong. You've CHOSEN not to follow the advice. We see it all the time. Those that DB well give themselves about a 50/50 shot (some will argue that figure). Those that DB poorly begin to lower their chances approaching zero. Pressure, pursuit, control, holding on for dear life, and looking weak and pathetic has an extremely low chance of working. This is what LH tried to tell you above. You can wallow in self-pity, or you can pull up your big boy pants and start moving forward.

And it is never too late to DB. All of the things espouse here can have profound effects on your WAS. GAL. Continuing to self-improve (including IC), detachment, listening and validating, etc all work wonders in relationships. If you think about it, look at the opposite of DBing: Having no life, remaining a damaged individual, over attaching to other people, arguing for what you think is right (right-fighting) all leads to a miserable life, problems with work, dysfunctional friendships and relationships with family. This is why R2C always says you DB for life!!!

DJH, if I remember right you are fairly young. Start DBing now. It may not save your marriage, but it will set you up for success in your next relationship.