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I love that....

Thanks for the uplift today!!!

This is the exact space in which I keep trying to tell other newbies they need to be before they are truly ready to start throwing around S/D in their conversations. Actual detachment. Just far enough away to take a step back and see things as they really are. No ugly crying. No rage. Just a simple plan to move forward without a ton of doubts and fear. You are so, so strong, and handling things so well right now I hope you know I'm thinking about you all the time xoxoxo

Wow wooba! You are inspire! Great quote!

Hi Wooba,

I was reading over your last few threads... you seem like you've made so much progress. His actions don't really affect you like they used to, you can observe them but are staying strong and centered for yourself and your kids. That is amazing. You are your own lighthouse. I love it.

What have you been doing for yourself recently?

Thanks guys for the kind words. I think big part of it was NC and seeing H very infrequently for the past few weeks. It helps me practice detaching and there's no interference from his part to mess with my zen.

Today he came over to watch the kids while I had an appointment. It's our first time seeing him since last Sunday. Of course, the first thing he said to me was asking me when I can meet next week to talk about finances (again). I looked at the calendar and said I'll be pretty busy next week, but I can do next weekend. Before we reached any conclusion, I had to leave so I told him we'll talk about this later. Later when I came back, he was cooking dinner for us. We made small talk about his cooking and I helped him a bit. When he's done, he said he has to leave for his haircut appointment. H didn't bring up meeting next week anymore, so I didn't say anything about it either. When he was leaving, he said to the kids "bye! I gotta go for a haircut, see you in a couple days." The kids were like, "in a couple days??" He said yeah...I've been busy with work....

so this is the new norm for the past few weeks. H is showing up less. but he'll bring us his cooking once or twice a week. sometimes he'd even ask us what we want to eat ahead of time.

he looked sad today. And honestly I feel a little down after seeing him. I also just feel drained by all of this. still no end in sight, and I am both relieved and disappointed that he did not push the issue.


I really slacked off last week, other than pushing/dragging myself to finish off a few freelance cases, I was not doing much and was indulging myself in being unproductive. I'm picking GAL back up this week for sure though. Being disciplined is definitely something I need to work on!!!

Help everyone! I need input on how to proceed with $ talk with H.

So H has been mentioning separating finances few times over last month. Being a SAHM, part of the reason I choose to not push forward with D right now is because it is financially advantageous for me to do nothing right now. (Neither of us is on a crazy spending spree.) However, I will be able to live if we do divorce also. So my fear of D is very minimal at this point.

We have previously reached a general verbal agreement on how to split our assets. I think now he wants to close my access to both his bank account and his credit card. I think that if he wants to open that can of worms, I will suggest proceeding with D. I will ask for the key to my house back (though his name is still on the lease, he had agreed to continue covering for my rent while he still needs this space as a "storage" for his things). I will stop doing his laundry, dry cleaning....and I will ask him to schedule a time with me in advance if he needs to drop by and get his things. (Will probably ask him to get move most of his clothes and just leave big items here if he needs to). And all this is not to threaten him to back off, but letting him know that's the direction things will be going as we move towards D.

How would I word all these things? I feel like he will be defensive and angry about it all. Also I don't know if he would happily hand me the key back. Am I missing anything issues here?

Hi, wooba—how’s it going? I’m hoping some vets might have some advice here.

Hi Wooba,

I'm only familiar with laws in my state because of my past career so I strongly suggest you consult with counsel where you are, but this is what I do know about my state. Anything you can agree to outside of court saves you both time and money but it could leave things unbalanced and could leave one or both of you unprotected once your filing actually do hit the court room. If you are in separate households you probably should separate funds if there's an equivalent of legal separation there you may want to considering going that route and let the court decide what the financial arrangement would be. If that's not an option if you guys are handling separate households and separate money other than the question of is this really what you want to do I'm not sure you have any other option than to start D proceedings for financial protection and for a court ordered visitation and placement plan.

The thing is he is so wishy washy on this stuff I'd let it go until you know he's actually going to go for it. After that, I think you'd just say "ok, so now that we're separated physically and financial I think the next step is...." it's his choice to blow it up or take it like a man.

hi Wooba,

Big caveat that I know nothing about any of this, but do think you need to protect yourself financially. I don't think you want to be in a position where you don't have access to $$ or are reliant upon him to give you funds for regular needs unless it is mandated externally, as if he gets angry or whatever and cuts you off you are in a really bad position.

I'm going to guess he isn't going to happily hand you the key back. When my H was in his fantasy S/D mode, having access to the house was a big part of it and I know for him paying half the rent for "storage" still felt like he had a right to a key and walking in whenever he wanted.

Do you have accounts of your own? Joint savings accounts? Perhaps another suggestion (should he bring it up) is to split his bank account and create one in your name with half the funds, and in addition to have some portion of his salary direct deposited into your account whenever he is paid. That way he has to take an extra step to cut you off and you don't need to ask him for anything, and you have the savings reserve to back you up.

I agree with WF though that the likelihood of him following through on this isn't all that big, and if you're in a better spot where you are right now, no need to push it or help it along.

Also, you know where I stand on his laundry!!

M

Thanks wayfarer and may. $ talk is scheduled to happen in a few days. It’s making me a bit anxious, but overall I keep telling myself that everything will work out. If I do get less than I hope, the kids and I will be okay also. Ultimately the good and the bad thing is that we are in a foreign country, and we can pretty much put whatever we want in the agreement without involvement from court. We do have separate accounts here, and I have some funds there that will keep me afloat for awhile.

I feel like the scheduled date is like a scheduled death sentence for our M. Well I guess it’s been dead for a few months now already. Just crossing my fingers that we can both be civilized.