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Don't beat yourself up, Sage. Nobody here does DB perfectly - it is very very very hard and the only thing it guarantees is that you will be detached and protected from poor behaviour from your WH - not that they will come back. You won't have pushed the situation beyond R if that is what your H wants: if you do end up Ring, you will want to R with a H who can be understanding of the fact that you were hurt and tender and emotional and scared and did not always act your best, wouldn't you?

H was making it pretty clear that he wanted to come back at a certain point - but to be honest, I didn't always believe him, and he never seemed to realise that R was contingent on changes from him, not just some time passing and it being more convenient in terms of his workload. I wish I'd gone much darker much earlier, and I wish I'd been much much slower around piecing. But my story is not your story, and you and your H aren't me and my H.

I guess from someone in piecing, and finding it incredibly difficult, what I wish I'd done is gone dark and had much higher standards for myself and for H. I wish I'd taken things slower. I wish I'd got much happier being on my own - including a fuller and fairer financial separation - and I wish I'd exposed myself to less of H's bad behaviour during the separation (he was abusive in this time, but he didn't seek out contact much - I did, and that's when he was abusive) as there would be less to forgive now. My H wasn't in an active EA during our separation - as far as I know - but if he had have been, I think the only thing to do would have been to act as if the marriage was over until there was only the two of us in it.

I think the best thing to do for your M is also the best thing to do for you. Withdraw. You H will take some time to feel less cornered, and if he is thinking of you as plan B, it will shake that plan a bit. And it will give you the space you need to take total care of yourself.

What are your 180s? What are your self care practices? Do you have much opportunity for GAL?

x

S,

Just out of curiosity why are you looking for breadcrumbs? It never ceases to amaze me how disappointed LBS get that they are not getting breadcrumbs. It's a form of manipulation. I like the idea about you seeing a lawyer about your options. It would also consider looking at housing options to start to get comfortable with the idea. The majority of the stress your going through is the fear of the own. The more you get comfortable with these things the less anxiety you feel. I have to be honest that I don't know your entire sitch and I have skimmed through it and noticed you use the term EA. If you guys are living apart then it is most likely a PA. He's stalling for time to see where this goes. It might be time for him to $hit or get off the pot.

Sage, I’ve just gone back and re-read your very first post. I see so many similarities in my sitch. Your H is confused...the fact you had some signs of reconciliation in the last month are testament to this. So, no, I don’t believe you have gone past the point of no return, not by a long shot. He spooked himself and that’s why he’s doubled down on retracting.

I had 12 months of limbo and it truly s#cks. I really feel your pain. In hindsight I wish I had taken more control of me and said enough was enough. My H was cake-eating for far too long. However, I always felt that I could never be the one to pull the trigger, for the sake of the children. Looking back, I was an extremely disengaged parent , and they suffered. Every week he travelled away and there were some weeks where I could barely function and D15 would end up cooking dinner for D13 (and I’d just skip meals). If nesting isn’t working for you then change it. You need to live in a way that allows you to function in your best capacity as a mother and for yourself. And just as him leaving serves to meet his needs, then you putting an end to nesting serves to meet your needs. Don’t feel guilty or let him tell you are wrong. He is walking away, not you. Do what enables you to function - make that choice for yourself . You also mention in an earlier post that your kids are confused by the limbo and nesting and wish you would sort it out. Listen to their words. It’s not working for you, or for the kids. At best it might appease H’s guilt, but sooner or later he will need to face the enormity of his choices.

And you may be right that in 2 years he is blissfully happy with you, but right now, he doesn’t visualise that. For whatever reason, life is wrong and he needs to escape from what he thinks is wrong. If you are needy and clingy it solidifies the negative feelings he has towards you. Whereas the happy, strong and vivacious Sage is actually very alluring!

Keep the faith....this is like 1 mile into the marathon!!

I received a letter from H. Asking for 6 more months (S) while he decides whether or not he wants to get a D. He is doing some deep work with his IC right now and that process just started and he wants the time to really explore who he is and what he wants. He briefly admits to his bad decisions surrounding the EA and how he has treated me, but doesn't go into any great depth of how this is impacting me. The majority of the letter is about him and his process and his needs. He admits that it is a lot to ask of me and he understands if I want to move on. That even at the end of the 6 months he may not be coming back to the MR and that is a risk we both take.

It is really so much to process and think about. Part of me wants to contemplate his request, part of me wants to counter with my own needs if I agree to this, and a part of me just wants to D and get it over with.

What do I do?

Say nothing at all. If he presses you for an answer, say 'I am considering what you've written,' and use all your avoid-R-talks-like-the-plague techniques to get yourself out of any further conversation. You can consider it for as long as you like.

A marriage, or working on a marriage, with your H is not on the cards right now. Your choices are between the current state of affairs, a more formalised separation, or you pulling the trigger on D. And you can decide which of those work for you on your own schedule, as best meets your needs, without having to have any more talk with your H.

Hang in there.

I second what AK said. It will give you time to work on you and get your ducks in a row.

I agree the telling is done--he wants 6 more months of limbo. It's up to you now whether you'll accept 6 more months of limbo, or you're ready to move on with your life. You have as much time as you need to decide. Remember that D or moving on with your life doesn't prevent him from later realizing his mistake and attempting to woo you back, although he may have competition or to do more work by then!

Hmm, I had similar request from H -trial separation, although he admitted that during that time he was not planning on wearing a wedding ring as he needed to feel like he wasn’t married to understand what he was losing. I thought this was complete BS and said no trial, If we S we are both moving forward as single people. Anything else is more cake eating. To me, trial S is two people looking inwards, to see how they can make it work. Your H seems to be facing the other way but is asking you to give him 6 months - in other words, be his safety net.

I can sense you are anxious to do something (either MC, R, or press on with D), rather than do nothing. I would suggest you do not need to press on with D, because that is not what you want. There is no hurry to D. As Alison says, formalise the S with new ground rules for contact, kids, finances etc. He needs to know that you are not going to wait around for 6 months, and that he is on his own and needs to live with his choices. Change the dynamic, because the current dynamic is not working in your favour.

Don’t be frightened by what he has said. He is confused and scared about making a wrong decision as well. If he was sure, he wouldn’t have sent the letter. {{{hugs}}}

hi Sage,

I agree with the others-- take your time in thinking about and responding to his request. You are in no rush.

If you aren't ready to move forward with D-- which it doesn't *really* sound like you are-- I think you also don't need to agree to keeping things the way they are now. End the nesting if it isn't working for you. Protect yourself financially. In some states you can have a legal separation and it sounded earlier like you were saying D would be better for you financially than for him-- it may be possible to find some middle ground before pulling the trigger on the D but keeping you protected financially.

Remember-- if he isn't ready to return and work on the M right now, there is nothing you can do to make him be ready. This is his work he needs to go through. It is your turn now to figure out how to support your own needs, refocus on you. You deserve so much more than this.

xx

This is so true - it isn't a negotiation, as parts of piecing might be. You can think of what your bottom lines might be for a future R, or boundaries you might put in place to deal with the current situation, but he's telling you he isn't interested in or able to meet any of your needs right now. I do think it's super important for you to think about your own needs, but don't bother advocating or asking for him to meet or consider them - that's your job now.