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Why is having a normal conversation have to be in-person? Remember the 3 things you should be focused on: GAL, 180s, and detachment.

GAL means you should be reaching out to friend and family. Phone calls, texts, video chats, etc. You should be involving yourself in hobbies and past times. You should be busy every minute of every day. Reading, finding more resources for dealing with a walkaway spouse online. Etc.

I see you mention "it feels weird as a "nice person"". Do you struggle with Nice Guy tendencies? I feel like you should spend some of your free time not pining for an in-person conversation with her, but by looking into things like Nice Guy Syndrome. Do you suffer from it? What does it cause? Etc.

I'll add, I have gone over to friends' houses during this pandemic. A common model is to sit on the patio six feet apart, sometimes each brings or has their own beer. I do more phone calls, of course.

Thanks for the pushes here. I'm definitely keeping busy - working from home full time and taking care of/homeschooling kids right now - so it's definitely not a silent house with that going on, but I think it's the day to day conversations and how we used to talk, even while doing the same things I'm doing now like making dinner, that's missing. Point taken though, especially on the ensuring time with friends, which I've been trying do to more lately. I'm on video calls for work most of the day, which I think is why I'm sick of the virtual interactions and would rather the in-person, but that's no excuse for not doing the 3 things in whatever way seems right - GAL, 180s, and detachment. Thanks for that...

BeChange, almost all LBSs struggle with what you are talking about. After all, it is instinctual to go into pursuit mode. After all, pursuing is how we got together with our spouse to begin with, so it seems natural that to get back together with them we need to pursue again.

The problem is that there is a huge difference between meeting someone new and wooing them, and trying to reconcile with someone that you have years of history with. Especially since the WAS has told the LBS "I want less of you". And while it is instinctual to give them more of you, it is the wrong thing to do and will push them away even faster.

You should be weighing every temptation you have related to her right now against whether or not it is pursuit and pressure. If it is pursuit and pressure (hint: almost everything you might be tempted to do in reaching towards her IS pursuit and pressure) then you shouldn't do it. Pressure and pursuit will almost always result in negative outcomes. So if your choice is between doing something or doing nothing, your default should be doing nothing. Limbo is extremely uncomfortable and awkward, especially in an in house separation. In my sitch, my W and I still slept in the same bed. Nothing more uncomfortable than being in that tight of quarters with someone that has said that they want out of the relationship.

So I get it. Most of the posters here can relate. But your instincts on doing things that are pressure and pursuit will harm your chances at eventual reconciliation, not help them. Your WAW is like a cat. Cats have to come to you on their own terms. If you reach down and pick a cat up, it will immediately jump back down. But sit still long enough and eventually the cat will come over and jump up on your lap itself. Let her come to you.

Just wanted to come back with a quick update. This quarantine with multiple kids is hard. My wife still works 12 hour days outside of the house, and I'm home with the kids trying to work full time and manage them and school work for the vast majority of the day. When she comes home, she's somewhat helpful in getting things done for the evening (dinner, baths, etc) and then everyone goes to bed. The days are HARD. I'm constantly trying to navigate things with the kids while being on video calls and trying to get actual work done, which can be very frustrating for people with two adults in the home let alone one for most of the day. She's working hard too, but it's different than trying to manage all of these things at once inside the house.

At this point, I've still maintained a positive outlook, have prioritized myself where I can (exercising regularly and staying in touch with friends is mostly it right now), and haven't said anything to her about how tough it is because I don't want to seem needy and want to still give her the space that she needs. Our interactions continue to be cordial, but man part of me just wants to let my frustration show through at the fact that in what is probably the most challenging time in the world from an external perspective that's happened since we've been married, I not only don't have a partner but also am bearing essentially the full weight of taking care of the kids during this time too.

I recognize that there are many people going through much bigger challenges right now - food and job insecurity, health, etc. - but it feels like the rug being pulled out from under me at this exact moment just serves to exacerbate the challenge of a WAW.

At any rate, I'm continuing to work on me, finding happiness in the time I get to spend with my kids, and continuing to wait it out....

Back with another update and a request for some advice. So much has happened in the past few weeks. First, through a series of different events, I essentially confirmed a few weeks ago that my WAW is actually a WW. I believe she was engaged in what was likely a PA since sometime in March. She doesn't know that I found this out (I wasn't really digging for it either but there were a few pretty obvious clues). Strangely, and probably because folks on this forum had been preparing me to not be surprised to discover this, I felt strangely calm after I discovered this. It was like I didn't have to wonder anymore, and it was almost a sense of relief.

Fast forward to this past week, and she started to act more friendly toward me, wanting to engage in more conversations, acknowledging all of the things I've been doing at home and for the kids while she continues to work extremely long hours, etc. I've stayed positive and have listened (trying to follow the Sandi's rules!) without being overly talkative myself, and have continued to work on my GAL strategies.

Then late last week, out of the blue she went to sleep in our bed without saying anything about it and has been sleeping there each night since (she had been sleeping in the spare room and essentially isolating herself there for the past month). I haven't said anything one way or the other, and haven't really acknowledged the fact that she's been sleeping there. The other night she reached out to grab my hand before going to sleep, and I let it sit there for a minute before rolling over and going to sleep. I continue to sleep in the bed as well but there's no contact. To take things even further, this past weekend she started wearing her wedding ring again, once again without saying anything about it or having any kind of conversation about our MR.

So what I'm essentially piecing together is that the A is over for one reason or another, likely from her ending it based on the info that I've gathered. Now she's wanting to show some kind of interest in us again, but she's clearly testing the waters a bit to see how I react. And of course, the last conversation we had about our relationship was her saying that she didn't want to be married to me anymore. I've remained pretty indifferent toward her, acting friendly, cordial, and happy, but not showing any type affection toward her.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I told her a month ago that I was ready to talk about the MR whenever she was. I don't know if I should confront her about the PA in any way, and I'm hesitant to initiate a conversation as I feel like the ball is in her court to do that. Still, she's showing indirect signs of her interest in our MR but not engaging in any sort of conversation about it. I can continue to do what I've been doing, which seems to be leading things in a positive direction, but I'm also cognizant that things could easily relapse at any time, not to mention the biggest issue of the infidelity, and the lies and deception from that leading to broken trust. I'd love any advice that people who have been in similar situations (or not!) may have...thanks in advance!

Continue to give her time and space. No R talks unless she initiates, and if she does then just listen and validate. Affairs are hard to quit, it's much like a drug addiction. She may relapse several times before she finally gets over it. You're seeing some good signs from her but just celebrate them internally and continue with your DB'ing.

If she never said another word about not wanting to be married you anymore, and she just picked up where she left the MR.........would you be okay with it?

From what I've been able to find, most WW's act as if they think their H is a fool. Notice I said they act as if they think it. Look at your W's actions. Without any warning she announces she doesn't want to be M to you anymore and moves to another bedroom, takes off her rings, and stops undressing in front of you. Then suddenly, without a word of explanation or asking how you might feel about it.......she just shows up in your bed, as if nothing ever happened. Now I don't know about you, but I would be highly offended that she thought I didn't require anything........and that I could be played so easily. Even though you had told her you wanted to work things out, didn't you deserve a word of explanation?

Unfortunately, most WW's will take the easiest route, and if her H isn't aware of the affair, the easier for her.



Maybe, but as someone has pointed out, affairs are extremely addicted. The WW will find ways to contact her affair partner (even if she's tried to call the A off), or she'll find OM#2 fairly fast.



Well, that's where we think differently. IMHO, the ball is in your court......or rather, it should be. Maybe that's part of the problem over the past years, you had the mindset that the ball was always in her court. IDK, just a guess.

My question is what do you want, since discovering she cheated? Is it a deal breaker for you? How about lying? Think hard about what you want, and what you won't tolerate. As for confronting her........what are you wanting, or what do you expect to get from her when you confront her? Do you want her to break down in tears, begging for your forgiveness? Well, it could happen, I suppose. We see more cases where the WW moves to the next step (separate or divorce). So, my advice is to know exactly what you plan to say and where you go from there. Confrontation just lets her know that you know she cheated, but it doesn't settle anything. You need a plan beyond confrontation. And, btw, having a heart to heart talk does nothing to help the problem at this point. I realize you are nice guy and nice guys love to have those relationship discussions, b/c that's all they know to do........ but it won't resolve waywardness.

Let me add one more thing, to keep in mind. In-house separation doesn't work.

You have two of the best giving you advice. Both AS and sandi are huge helps to LBSs, this guy included.

Here is what I would suggest:

First, she is definitely taking steps towards moving back to the MR. The question is, why? Did the AP end things or start giving her the cold shoulder? Is she suddenly afraid of that her life will become if her PA is made public and the result it will have on her current situation (IE she is trying to throw you off the scent)? Does she have a vested financial interest in holding things together with you while she is off screwing another guy? Likely you do not know her motivations. But it could be any number of things.

So like AS said, you have to keep giving her space.

Now, as too affection. One of the things we try to stress to LBSs is that you shouldn't be cold, indifferent, or mean in a passive-aggressive way. This means that flatly refusing her shows of affection without her knowing why is probably not going to go over well. Normally we tell LBSs that it is okay to say ILY2 if she says ILY first. Or it is okay to kiss her back if she kisses you. Or to hold her hand if she initiates. Or even to have sex if she initiates sex. BUT NOT IF THERE IS A PA.

WWs as sandi says needs tough love. Even in the absence of a PA. When there is a PA involve the rules have to change. You should be avoiding her affection at all costs. You certainly should not be having sex until she has been tested for STDs and you know without any doubt that the affair is over.

So how to proceed? Well first you have to move her out of the MBR. You should not be sharing your bed with a cheater. Personally, I would confront her simply by tonight, when she goes to get into bed, letting her know she is not welcome there. When she protests, complains, gets upset, etc.....calmly but firmly tell her "I know what has been going on." And then end the conversation. Do not tell her what you know, or how you know, only that you know. Even if she presses you for details, you simply tell her "I know."

That will be the real test of whether her PA is over. She'll either be defiant (it is still going on), or she will break down, admit to everything and be extremely remorseful. Likely it is over, but again, you have to be sure.

So when can you be sure it is over and that she wants to commit back to the marriage? When her behavior is consistent over a long period of time. When she is willing to agree to any and all requirements for reconciliation (writing and sending a cease and desist letter to the AP with your full knowledge of what it says and that she sends it, full transparency (which means no unknown passwords or accounts, I'd even suggest getting a phone app like Life360 so you both know where the other is at all times, she gets herself into a pro-marriage IC on a weekly basis, and once you feel comfortable a pro-marriage MC for you both to see).

As AS says, keep DBing. As sandi says, you need to confront her but again play your cards close to your vest. All she needs to know is that you know, not what you know or how you know. And I certainly would not allow a cheater to share my bed with me at least until I was sure that the PA was completely and utterly and irrevocably over!

Hey..........BeChange. Talk to us!