Take a deep breath... if you felt better about unburdening yourself then so be it.
I think the vets on here would tell you to write it out and sit on it for at least 24hr... then think what will this accomplish? Most agree that one heartfelt apology is okay... but to keep apologizing makes you look weak.
Keep working on your changes. They do notice even the smallest ones. My H did. Often times they won't say it... many times they don't trust it... it takes time and what I've learned from having going through this before is that many times they get even more angry. Mostly because if you could do this now you consciously made a choice not to do it before.
I’m tattling on myself a little bit. I did write back and instead of it being short NC mode I mentioned my thoughts about the finances and what I thought the options were for handling the house, etc. I broke NC rule and said that I understood why he walked away and that I learned a lesson a little too late about things that I need to work on. I did make sure that I didn’t pursue or plead or pressure but these changes I’m making with work through Therapist are genuine. I am taking fault for my actions without defending. That is a 180 for me for sure.
I spent a lot of time writing it out to make sure I wasn’t doing any pursuing. Told him I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t come see kiddos. Didn’t want him to feel guilty. Said I didn’t want to make things difficult for anyone, my goal was the least painful process.
H texted right back about which bill should be split, who should take responsibility for this, that, etc. He must have just blown past the thoughtful parts. Why in the world would I expect my H to be any different than the rest of the WAS on here? I should know better.
He didn’t mention D but said he is pushing for group session with Therapist next week to go over time table. He is driving the bus and I’m just strapped in for the ride.
11 I am really sorry you are going through this right now.
One of the things that happens in DB is that sometimes we will say something in order to provoke a specific reaction. More often than not, we don't get the reaction we wanted, and then we feel even worse. That's just something to be aware of. If you're trying to provoke H to get expressions of guilt, remorse, fear or doubt, you'll often get the opposite and feel even worse.
What you did was pursuit and pressure and probably made him angry because he has to look like the bad guy and divorce someone who is making changes.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect.
I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.
The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.
In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.
KitCat thank you for the support. It really means a lot to me.
Funny point about the “consciously” point you made above. H said in group sessions that because he made conscious choices to hurt me that therefore I had done the same. I never intentionally made decisions to be hurtful, it wasn’t until starting therapy that I was able to see outside of the box that I view my world in. But that was such a sticking point for him, “because I did it to you, you have done the same to me” (He even said that because he has had EA therefore I must have cheated on him in response and that really bothers me to have my loyalty questioned. I may be lacking in some things but never in loyalty.)
All this work I’m doing and taking responsibility for my actions but crickets on the other side.
Typical WAS thinking, why do I keep lying to myself and thinking he is different from the rest?
I wish I could flip off the switch in my heart the same way as him. I know that is what detaching is all about. I’m practicing the steps but the ball is being moved forward so quickly by him that I feel like I’m being spun around without knowing which way is up.
I honestly do want to give him space to figure himself out, therapist said in the beginning that issues were fixable and just needed tweaking. We could both do a better job respecting each other and meeting each other’s needs, better communication, etc.
For him to pull the plug and be done suddenly shows me he has his own thing going on and I’m not even angry because when I pull myself out of the situation I can see with the other factors in his life (unhappy with self, not MLC but I do see some same behaviors) unhappy with work, and therapist even said that if all other parts of his life are out of whack then coming home and having home be out of whack too then it can be too much.
One of the things we are both needed to work on with therapist is stop pushing external control on the other. I am working toward releasing that. It is a genuine goal of mine that I believe is important for my self growth. That’s the part that is interesting to me is that because he is pushing the ball forward and telling me how things will be split and making executive decisions without input that he isn’t doing the real work he is supposed to be doing with Therapist. He is still very much trying to control me and our situation.
Which with that being said I wouldn’t want him to come home today anyhow because he isn’t doing the work for himself and I deserve better than that. In some ways I find it a little weak to walk away from a problem because tackling it requires more pain and effort. I have self dignity at least that I am putting the work in with Therapist even if he is running away.
KitCat thank you for the support. It really means a lot to me.
Funny point about the “consciously” point you made above. H said in group sessions that because he made conscious choices to hurt me that therefore I had done the same. I never intentionally made decisions to be hurtful, it wasn’t until starting therapy that I was able to see outside of the box that I view my world in. But that was such a sticking point for him, “because I did it to you, you have done the same to me” (He even said that because he has had EA therefore I must have cheated on him in response and that really bothers me to have my loyalty questioned. I may be lacking in some things but never in loyalty.)
All this work I’m doing and taking responsibility for my actions but crickets on the other side.
Typical WAS thinking, why do I keep lying to myself and thinking he is different from the rest?
I wish I could flip off the switch in my heart the same way as him. I know that is what detaching is all about. I’m practicing the steps but the ball is being moved forward so quickly by him that I feel like I’m being spun around without knowing which way is up.
Our WH don't see that the hurt they felt from us was NOT unintentional. I was completely unaware that my H felt neglected AND rejected until it was too late. Was I doing it on purpose - no! Would I go back and do things differently so he did not hurt - yes! Intentional / unintentional - the pain is the same.
One point in time my H felt so rejected he felt that if I had been in an PA or EA then that would explain his feelings of loneliness and rejection... but since I wasn't the only excuse was I didn't care. Silly rationalization and dumb but that was his feelings and those are valid.
Funny, mine said in a group therapy session he wished I had committed an A so it would make it easier for him to walk away.
Even though I hung around through his multiple EAs, big ones and small ones. And never played with the idea of D. Doesn’t feel great to know that I kept my head in the sand. Any other woman and I would say kick his butt to the curb! Meanwhile I didn’t show myself the same respect.
Well, I am finding myself circling the drain of jumping into detachment. H wants group session with Therapist next week to go over finances and time table moving forward. I’m going to ask him one more time if he is sure this is what he wants (I know! I hear you all telling me don’t do it! But I have to hear it from him face to face and I’m willing to withstand the pain of hearing him say he is sure. I need to hear it to move forward. I’m already assuming what his answer will be and preparing myself for it, getting ahead of it if you will.)
I need to give him one more chance to and maybe it’s actually for my heart rather than his. After this last time when he says no then I feel like I will have peace in moving forward.
(I fully realize I could be on here a few days later saying the exact opposite hahah) But I’ve been sitting and waiting for him to change his mind and I’ve been stuck in limbo and I had nothing but sad negative thoughts about moving forward. I started to think about my plans moving forward and I actually feel hopeful about it and those plans don’t involve him.
So, I think acceptance and detachment is around the corner for me. I have one more hurdle to jump to get there. I think I need to feel the pain of that rejection one more time to move forward.
Human emotions are so strange. My logical side fights against my emotional side all the time.
I know its so hard to have those things looming in front of us.
Take a deep breath and take the weekend to sort through your feelings. You of course need to do you. But, maybe you should take the approach of taking the pressure off of him?
I think its fine to say something such as - I don't think this is the solution to our problems but if this is what you feel you need to do I won't stop you.
Sometimes that gets their attention WAY more than what you plan to say. I think he expects you to baulk but he will be thrown off by your acceptance.
I want to start off by saying I am sorry and have nothing but compassion for what you are going through right now.
Before you ask him one more time if he is sure that this is what he wants to do you should consider that your husband has had multiple EAs and is in one now. You speak about overlooking these incidents as a good thing when in essence it lowers your value in his eyes.
Relationship and attraction are about value. People who jump through hoops for you are not valuable, and are therefore not attractive. You value people who are confident and self-sufficient, and that you feel you need to work to get. When you get attention from those people you feel good about yourself.
That's why GAL, act as if, and heading the other way work. You're establishing yourself as a person of value who is not going to jump through these hoops or tolerate this crap.
Double down your efforts to lead a life that anyone would want to be part of and you don't care if he's done or not.
That's the attitude you need to assume, and if its not authentic act as if until its real.
Your view on this needs to be "go do your thing, H, do what you need to do in order to find happiness. I'm going to live an amazing life. If you want to be part of it in the future, we'll have to talk about that, but for now I wish you well"
You shouldn't say that to him directly, but everything about the way you react to her and respond to him should say that for you.
Don't be rude, don't be dismissive, don't be passive aggressive or antagonistic, just be uninvested.
