(((Grace))) Thank you for your insights and for taking the time to write on my thread. It is very helpful to hear how these first steps in the process go. Despite having a couple consults with L I feel like I always walk away with more questions. I think at some point I need to let go of control, be as prepared as I can be and get good help. Thx Grace.
You are the best DnJ! Thank you for the url/clean title tutorial and thank you so much for making me smile ...”bonk” Your advice and insights are invaluable and always so kindly written...thx for taking the time. This is such a good place to vent and then get the reality check / 2x4 ...I managed to avoid sending 2 questionable emails thx to you! Sometimes doing nothing is the best course of action.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Kind, this is business. A deal gone sideways. Remember that.
Thank you. I might get this tattooed on my forehead.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Rational is more logic and reason. Irrational is more emotions.
I feel because he won’t talk to me at all, any correspondence I do get activates my irrational emotional side. I’m getting better at talking that voice down but it takes up so much time and energy constantly trying to keep your mouth in check.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Your above statement shows a lot of control and trust issues with H. Well obviously DnJ of course it does. (I can almost hear you saying that lol). Therefore another set of eyes, those of a dispassionate legal counsel, will be so worth it.
Lol!! This made me laugh and is also a very valid point. I think in the near further I’ll be digging deeper on “control and trust”
Originally Posted by Kindly
Pls someone 2x4 me and stop the cycle! Lol Bonk.
^^^lmao! Much needed! And I think it worked ...for now. - - - - I will read and reread your insights on fear DnJ....my eyes are so heavy as I type this I need sleep.
Originally Posted by DnJ
D17 is gone for the night and I’ve got a dark sky and stars to look at. Doing pretty good as a single guy. DnJ
Beautiful!! You’re doing soooo well for yourself AND helping others. These small moments we take for ourselves are sooo big! Goodnight for now.
I had a L in place but did nothing else until XH Filed
My XH did not ask me to do anything, but he mentioned his destination time and again He knew he was leaving..It was just a matter iof when He knew he would eventually file and he did
As long as u have everything in place, and you can watch the finances and take your name off shared credit cards Perhaps spilt money in account sooner than later.... remember they lie and if OW is in place, they nag them and they want as much money as possible they no longer care about us and in some cases, htye also abandon the kids
I think the MLCer will plan and plot the money issue...If we are not smart and business like here, they will lie, cheat, hide, steal and try to get us to let them take control of the finances in the D process
This is the time to get strong for the fight, but as long as you can moniter funds and cards,, you can leave the filing to him and just ignore his D talks
Let the L handle all the disclosure stuff
dont sign anything
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you peacetoday. Your post reminds me how comforting and empowering it is to “take care of business”. I’ve managed to erase some of my fear and emotions and get going on the process of protecting me as best I can. H has done nothing but constantly threaten that his L will be in touch, threaten to get an agent into the house, started looking at homes...so I know it’s no longer a matter of “if” he goes but “when” and “how” ...(does it play out..if only I had that crystal ball!!) I’ve had a great couple of really strong days, work is going really well and I’ve had some wonderful dinners with friends. I’m seeing so clearly right now and feel very in control of my emotions for the first time since August! I have found a L I like and will retain her shortly. have found some very helpful paperwork that I didn’t think I would have access to (big win) and I just generally feel some strange sense of peace right now. I hope it’s not fleeting.
Kindly, I love that you’ve had some good days and are taking care of business, feeling strong. You ARE strong! I think it’s good to remember that even if the sense of peace goes it will come again, maybe for longer.
Thx (((Cardinal)))!!! I can’t help but notice that H has strayed from his usual pattern of home and away days for work. I find the timing interesting that as soon as I comply with getting a L he has gone for over a week without a peep. I find myself slightly dipping back into the headspace of “what the heck has he told people”???? My mind wanders back to my MIL being extremely flippant and cold almost as if I had ruined his life.... I don’t know maybe I’m rewriting history based on other people’s behaviour and words. I honestly can’t believe 8 months have almost gone by!!
Is there a DB-Ing way to see where H is at, hear what he’s thinking ....anything?? Without getting into the weeds with him. Today I feel like my detaching and his lack of presence in the house is solidifying the path to D. As much as I do understand that my behaviour has little to do with his crisis or his choices right now, I’m finding the deafening silence in the house WHEN he’s here unbearable at times. I feel like I’m still doing well in GAL...but something (other than the obvious LOL) seems off and intuition is telling me to poke the bear....I’m also aware that I could get more poop thrown at me. I’m not even looking for a R talk or anything specific just some sort of life beyond the shark eyes and hiding. Am I playing with fire? Any suggestions....is it really to continue leaving him alone?
they are confused and sorting through the demons in their head
Consider using the time to heal you- let him go..or work on letting go read about letting go, 12 step programs are helpful when dealing with difficult people and situations support groups, coaching or therapy new hobbies, call or help someone else church or spiritual, take up singing or music, dancing or gardening cry share and detach
live for you-
you will heal despite his choice to leave or stay we all do just takes time and all you are going through is the path and process to acceptance-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Kindly, I haven’t read your whole sitch....but YES leave him alone!! If you catch yourself being consumed by the thoughts of him being at home but not really there, maybe it would help for you to get out of the house too.
Always post here first before you want to poke the bear. Chances are you shouldn’t.
As for the threats with L....you can’t control what you say, but you’re in control of how you respond. Or lack thereof. Let him talk his talk.
The silence can be grating, can't it? But then you get used to it just in time for some little thing to change again. Pretend like the bear is hibernating! He needs a lot of time in his own cave before he's able to interact with you in any real way. Maybe try some headphones and a podcast if you don't want to go out and it's bothering you? Or do something that will take your mind off of how silent it is and also distract you from dwelling on MIL (who, we know, doesn't have the full story). You know my go-to is baking, but it could be organizing or taking an online class in something you're interested in... have you tried the website Skillshare? They have a free trial period, and you can try out different classes. Hang in there!
