Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 11

KK,

Thanks for making me spit out my coffee laughing lol.

This was an excellent post. Everything you wrote is exactly how it needs to play out. Now let's see if you can be congruent with your words.

Good. Luck today! I see a lot of progress in you.

^^^LH... anytime LH... LOL

I'm in a really good head space - don't get me wrong I have pangs of sadness/disappointment.

H arrived told me via text he was "here". He immediately went to work on fence. He had the hinges but not the brackets so we got into S18 car and I let him drive us to hardware store. He was quiet and withdrawn. I just tried to keep it light by asking how he has been, etc. At first it was "busy" but then he opened up and discussed that he goes back to work on Monday, the drama about which shift he would be working, etc. He also opened up about his house and projects there.

On the way back from store he very quietly stated to let him know if I needed help getting S18 moved to college and he would use the truck. I said ok (but in my head I am completely capable of moving S18 to college.)

After the fence work was done it was time to load up more stuff in the truck. We have 2 garage freezers so he is taking the smaller one. We started emptying the freezer - he was going to take all the venison, unless I wanted any. I didn't (I prefer beef and there is more than enough of that-1/2cow in freezer.)

Out of the blue he asked if I needed any more dog treats. At first that confused me but then he stated there is more beef liver and he could dehydrate more. I said I had enough for now but he could make more (he took dehydrator.)

He asked for pictures of the kids - his kids. I had 2 accordion folders with the kids school pictures in order. I also gave him the books I had made from our vacation trips. Told him to bring a couple of thumb drives and I would place the digital ones on them for him. Gave him the pictures of our nephews on his side... but told him I did keep one for myself.

I brought out a knit blanket. It was one that I had been working on a lot - right before BD. He complained how much time I spend knitting. I couldn't touch it for nearly 3months again. But I got it out and finished it. I handed it to H. He asked 'who is this for?'. H knows I knit for everyone... all my kids, all my nieces and newphews, inlaws, all get home made knitted blankets.

I said it was for him. I told him that he had the really heavy one I made him for winter (years ago) but I wanted him to have lighter one for when it was warmer. I could tell he was touched and said thank you. No idea if he recognized for sure it was the one I was working on at BD or not. He said I shouldn't have - I said I know and walked away back into the house.

A few minutes later he followed me into the house. He stood there looking awkward so I asked if he wanted anything. He asked for a pepsi. I said sure and got us each one and we ended up sitting at the kitchen table. He is finally looking me in the eyes. The dogs are hanging with us. I asked about his upcoming trip to see his bff - it's been on the books for a year. He said he wasn't sure if he could go because that state was still on lock down. We talked briefly about his friend. And then H asked me about when my next knitting retreat was - that surprised me but I said not until November.

I asked if his house was dog ready - he said almost. Had a couple of spots to fix with the fence. Started talking about the dog. At one point I said I had wanted to share custody of the dog. H immediately asked how would that work -- with a tone that stated it wouldn't. I said I don't know. He said I should keep the dog then. I stated I've had the dog for months and I'm really bonded (slight teary eyed at the moment and trying to regain myself), but I cannot devote 100% of what he needs. I asked H if he wanted the dog. He stated he very much wanted him and I could tell by his voice it was sincere. I told him to let me know when his house was dog ready.

H looks at me and asks what S18 is doing for me for mother's day? I said I don't know. I doubt S18 even knows tomorrow is mother's day with a smile. H said he would text him and tell him, and then right there he did text S18.

At that point he was done with his pepsi. Got up from the table and walked out to his truck. There was some mindless small talk - more mumbling from him really. I was expecting him to state when he would be back --- YES, there is still some stuff at the house. But, nothing. He stood quietly at his truck. He couldn't look at me. He fidgeted with the stuff in his front seat before getting in... still not looking at me. Finally he said 'see ya later' and got into the truck without looking at me. I just said goodbye and put down the garage door.

My friend stated he couldn't look at me due to shame and guilt of what he has done. IDK, I think he just wants to be done with all of it and not have to keep coming back - as he stated way back when he was still full of anger... "just rip the bandaid off and move on".

Either way it is what it is. Nothing has changed except I'm not crying. I'm sad for sure over the puppy but it is the right thing to do. Do I wish he would have said - can we talk about R?, or how we could make this work now? SURE, but I know its not going to happen. He has a new home and OW --- which he never says a word about. I don't know why he doesn't? I don't know why he doesn't say he wants an expedited D because there is someone else who is special. Yes, it would suck but then I would know 100% sure where he is at with this.

Well, its a pretty day outside - I've focused enough on this for now. Put it aside. I have no reason to contact him.

Hugs everyone!!!

KK so the first part of your day today was pretty good. You definitely pursued and gave a going away gift to a man who is divorcing you and leaving you for another woman wtf?????

This last part is a little unsettling and you seem a bit delusional.

I hope you can find some peace and move forward with you life.

I get the gift is a DB no no.... I don't think of it as a gift per say. I have this OCD issue which I put in focus with knitting. I knit every one lots of things. I sent a gift with him last time to give to his mother which was a gift for a cousin of his. Knitting and giving it away is what I do.

I had a weak moment at the end BUT please know I did not show a single weak moment to my H. I was strong and proud.

I accept that I can do absolutely NOTHING about any of this outside of looking out for myself. I'm human and I do wonder if he is living with her. Its none of my business so I never ask.

What he saw today was an amazing woman holding her head up high enduring a difficult situation with grace and maturity. Never showing a sign of weakness (save that when it came to discussing the dog.)

I'm proud of myself.

But what you read about me writing down thoughts of where he is at with OW are just legitimate things we all thing about. I'm not obsessing over it. I can do nothing about it. Seeing him was a bit of a trigger but he never saw me crack... not once.

I'm going to go start a new knitting project.

I’m sorry KK, but what he saw was a woman trying to nice hmm back. You gave him something you said you made for him. Not something just saying around like an extra blanket or something.

Stop. Trying. To. Nice. Him. Back.

KK this is going to be a little harsh but I’m not here to blow sunshine up your skirt.
What he saw was someone who doesn’t value themselves. He’s done all these things to you and your making him parting gifts. That is a display of low value. When he gets home his gf is gonna ask about the blanket and they will probably laugh about it. Again, I’m sorry for being blunt but I am trying to help you.

Now if he would of pulled up and his stuff was waiting for him on the front lawn. He would have been p*ssed but there would be nothing to laugh about.

No more pursuit moving forward.

^^^^ I see your point.

Yeah I've had time to think...

Where my friend thought that him not being able to look at me as he hemmed hawed at his truck as a sign of guilt and shame for his actions... I think now it was more about that he is going to have to do this one more time.... there is still an item here that is his and the puppy.

Well... I cant mind read. Dont know what he was thinking or feeling when he drove away. But I feel pretty good. I'm happy and at peace. I'm not anxious or fearful.

There is really no need to contact me... I've muted his texts. I will not be contacting him.

^^^^^^^this

I think he's been pretty clear about where he is at with this by buying a house, moving out and having an OW (whether she lives there or not - doesn't change anything).

It's good that you seem mentally in a less depressed place. The emotional bandwidth that you are using to mind read his every move is probably better spent on yourself.

Hi KC
When you gave him the blanket it comes off as you are giving him your time, something you enjoy and went out of your way to do for him. It’s a gift that my guess would be hopefully makes him think of you and makes him miss you. Regardless of your intention that’s how it comes off. It’s either gonna be something him and the OW laugh at you about or it’s gonna make the OW mad and in turn make your H mad at you. If you wished you could have talked about the relationship or how to fix things I promised he sensed that. That’s pursuit and pressure.

As far as why he won’t expedite the divorce there’s no need too.

KK,

Let me tell you that when you talk to friends they are going to say things that they think you want to hear because they care about you and they don’t want you to hurt anymore. They have not seen these situations play out hundreds of times like some of us have.

Don’t confuse guilt with remorse it’s not the same thing.

Chin up and move forward.