Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 11

I have profound peace today.

I'm many steps closer to detaching.

I am only in control of myself - I chose what I do from the minute I wake up. I go ahead and let myself have those thoughts of sadness and what ifs but only for a moment and then I just keep right on doing the work on myself.

I focus on getting through work and what my day will consist of when I get home.

I've had a lovely afternoon of chatting with friends and working on my self discovery.

Hi KitCat,

Glad you had a good day. Thinking of you and hoping Sunday goes well! ((Hugs))

CW^^^^ thanks for that.

He came to get more stuff... this was the longest move out session - over 2 1/2hr and it was warm. We were both sweaty.

No eye contact at all. No smiles. I am doing my share of the heavy lifting.

My S18 comes in and out while he is doing his own thing. H interacts with him and its friendly, and fun and sweet. I just stay back.

We are putting the drive gate back together - I've got it rednecked because H has never done the work around he talks about evertime he is here. I just stated... yeah of given up on you doing anything about this. Without looking at me he gets a stern tone and says you won't let me over here - at most its once a week. I'm not working. I've got nothing but time.

Foolishly I stated he has a garage opener and he can come over to do those things.... UGH [foot in mouth]

Toward the end he was getting some stuff out of the sunroom. I took a break on a couch in another room and popped up my phone and was facebooking. Weird because now he suddenly wanted to have eye contact. Not only is he talking to me he is looking at me. Earlier I had made a funny joke when he was asking for a hoe... I said your a what??? It was funny but not even a smile.

We walked out to the garage and he states he brought back the shovel I had put in the truck stating he already had 2 at the house... uh ok... this is after he told me he already had a snowshovel. He then voluntarily stated that the previous owners of the house he bought left lots of stuff behind including a 12k car lift in the garage. He gets his phone out and starts to show me pictures... he hasn't been this engaged with me in forever. But, I'm not dumb... this is minuscule and nothing.

We are conversing and its clear he is only leaving with the recliner so I asked what he had in the way of furniture. He stated "oh at the house", "I have a table and 3 chairs". I stated that your mom got you? He replied yes. He stated he was going to auction and estate sales. Mentioned getting a washer and dryer for $5. He then proceeded to tell me the story of how he got those into his house.

So if he is moving OW in he is being very stealth about it.

With that he was off and out the door. 5 minutes later I called - he kind of answered rudely YES, What Do You Want?. I just said he had left the boat keys here... oh crap...

I told him rather than to have to get the truck that was loaded down with stuff and hauling the boat I would meet him at X with the keys - he was just 5min down the road.

Didn't even get out of the car... just handed them through the window. I made a comment like he would have been so pi*ssed getting all the way home and not having the boat keys. He thought he had a duplicate set on his key chain but looked and did not. He sort of thanked me??? I just said good bye and took off.

I'm home.. pretty much ambivalent to the whole thing.

My H has lost weight but he looks old. Don't get me wrong. I still find him attractive. Its just for me the most attractive feature on a man is his smile. Gosh Golly I loved his smile!!! But, he doesn't smile for me. Not once. Maybe its for the best because I would have found him hard to resist.

He is not attracted to me.

I'm ambivalent. At least for today.

He has a little more to move out.

KK,

All in all I think you did ok. The statement about you giving up on him doing things around the house was not good but you know it.

The way he answered the phone is telling how he feels about right now. How do you change that? You completely remove yourself from the picture and have a great life.

You can't placate him and driving him the boat keys was a display of low value. Just like in economics "Scarcity creates value".

Hi KC, I can see you are fighting so hard against your emotions and feelings. I really can relate to that pain. Keep thinking about you and your worth. You are doing so well with your exercise and looking after you physically. That takes mental strength. You are strong. You are also doing well mentally although you must be exhausted. What can you do to fill your mind with thoughts that aren’t focused on him? Read, do crosswords, find a good tv series? Do you have a mental challenge for everyday, some time where you can really erase him from your thoughts? I sense that even though you are doing the right things, he is constantly on your mind. You deserve to be valued, not exhausted by his negative energies. you deserve more for yourself . Sending you hugs xx

I'm at a point where I 80% don't care.

He doesn't smile the entire time he is with me. Eye contact was only at the end - and he voluntarily opened up a little about his house. I only asked a basic question during that part of the conversation. It was first visit where I wasn't the one wrapping things up - I let him sit and hem haw until he said he was going to take off.

Who knows what he is thinking but he clearly has no attraction for me.

I will say there were 2 positives in the last week - these are more about peace in my heart and not that he is moving towards me.

1) Yesterday he mentioned that his truck needed suspension work - est $1400 but the guy said he would do it for $1000 as they needed the work. I asked H if was going to have it done. He simply said he didn't have 1K. He could have gone off about the financial order and how I have his money tied up, etc. He didn't. He did not attack me over it.

2) On the phone on Tuesday we were talking about something not related to us. At one point we started talking over each other. I immediately stopped and said he should go ahead... he then stated no you go ahead. In the past if we were both talking he would get frustrated, tell me to shut up, tell me to stop talking.. I was probably guilty of doing the same. We both just wanted to be heard --- it was a terrible habit to fall into. It felt nice that we both stopped and neither of us got rude with the other.

Again - these are just things that bring peace to my heart. They mean nothing in regards to my H having any second thoughts. Part of me would like to tell him I appreciate how we have been talking --- but I'm sure everyone here would advise me not to bring it up.

I'm 10% disappointed and 10% sad - and those hit worse in the morning.

I get that I have to let him go before he would ever come back... I'm about 80% there.

PEACE and LOVE

That's great considering it's early in the process. My guess is you're still on the roller coaster and that will change.

If he was smiling, tapping his toes and dancing you would ask how he could be so happy moving out.

Mindreading

Grasping at straws

Sounds like a very toxic relationship and something to work on.

What's your motive behind the statement?

Very normal

Keep moving forward

You are probably right. I do expect some tougher days ahead. But, I have more peace than I have had in awhile. I really focusing on no expectations what ever he does.



That's a very valid point!



True - but I believe that you and others have told me that right now he is disgusted by me. That's how his interactions made me feel.



Oh, I agree - that means absolutely nothing in our sitch. It was just a relief to me that he didn't attack me over it. But I supposed saying some of the things he has said over the phone would be much harder for him to say to me in person? It doesn't really matter. Its just something that contributed to the peace in my heart.



^^^^ This. He felt that our relationship had become toxic. Bickering just became away of how we got things done. I'm a strong opinionated woman. I should have backed down more. I see that. He got to a point where he didn't want to tell me no... and I got to a point where I wanted him to tell me no.

This is what i have been working on. Among a few other things. In both of our phone calls last week. I either stopped what I was doing to recognize his input OR I recognized that he didn't want to continue to talk at this time and let it go... the latter... let it go... He would get angry that I just couldn't drop something. I showed respect by ending the call and not pushing.

I know it takes 5 positives to outweigh any negatives...

Maybe he sees it???

Anyway, I guess I'm accepting things a little better. Letting go... of expectations... letting go of him.

PEACE and LOVE

KC, sounds like you're doing a lot better and going a bit grey rock on him. Nice work, stay the course Sounds like his trip to pick up his stuff was pretty uneventful, which is a GOOD thing!

^^^^AS Thank you!

Still 80% ambivalence, 10% disappointment, 10% sad.

Woke up at 3am. Feeling sad over this whole mess. I'd have muted H's texts and that has helped a lot. Now when I have a text notification pop up I don't have a panic moment if its him. I'm free to assume its friends and family.

Something told me I needed to check - I did. There were 2 texts from him. One was an unclear questions about cell phone bill and the other 3hr later was about coming to fix the fence on Wednesday.

I responded back this morning with - ok

Frankly I would like the fence fixed. It would save me some headache and some money. TBH I don't want to see him. I'm tired of the lack of eye contact. Not a single smile. That he is completely a different person to my S18 when he talks to him and then immediately reverts back to stone cold with me..

There was once a part of me that was grateful his move out took so many trips - more chances to see him, interact with him. He can see I've been consistent on my 180's. He could see my inner glow again peaking through the cracks. Now not so much.

He doesn't value me.

I don't think he really wants to do the fence work. He still has stuff here but I think he likes saying "hey I'll come over and fix the fence"... instead of asking "when can I get more of my stuff"... Makes him feel more like a good guy than a bad guy?

Well my allotted time to focus on this over it's on the 80% of my day now.