I deleted the posting that you posted in another forum inadvertently.
Also, I have been editing your language periodically.
I am pasting in the gentle reminder that I posted in a thread at the top of this forum that is a gentle reminder to all who come here and post:
"I wanted to post a gentle reminder to all who post on the DB Forums that we need to remember that we have all walks of life that post here as well as lurkers. The DB Forums have some of the most wonderful people posting, but we do tend to sometimes get caught up in the moment and forget what we accepted in the "terms and conditions" for posting here.
One of the "terms and conditions" that is in the Policies thread that Cadet has posted is stated as: "Participants shall treat each other with respect, refraining from rudeness and foul language."
Let's try to be as respectful as possible to all posters. Each and every poster that comes here is hurting and yes, some are angry and disappointed in their spouses and/or partners. Let's try to be patient, listen to what they have to say and remember...we all have different opinions on how a situation should be handled. Let's not forget that we were in their shoes a while back and weren't ready to hear what the posters had to offer in the way of advice and/or pearls of wisdom.
Please try to keep the language as clean as possible. I realize that we all tend to forget that we aren't sitting around w/a group of friends just shooting the breeze and anything that we say is okay, however, we do need to be mindful of those who do come here to read our postings and sometimes the language can be offensive to others.
We all have been there and done that...so let's help each other keep the respect alive and the language as clean as possible. The moderators have been cleaning up some of the language, but we don't have the time to read each and every posting to censure it for the language. So, I'm asking for your help to be mindful of what you are posting."
BTW, KC, you aren't the only one that has slipped in a few words that aren't acceptable to the higher ups. We all have done it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
KC, I'm afraid LH is more than likely right on the timeline. It could very well be years before your H comes out of whatever he's going through. Even if it's not years, it is at least the one year you're talking about as your cutoff. So let me ask you this- if you absolutely knew there was no chance of recon in the one year timeline you set, then what would you be doing differently right now? Because whatever the answer to that is, that's probably what you should be doing. You set this deadline and you are giving yourself anxiety over it thinking you must generate some kind of change in your H through your actions before the year passes you by. But you can't change him, and you won't, and he's not going to change himself in a year.
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So today with the text this morning... did he forget all the info I gave his on Sunday?
He probably didn't forget, he just didn't absorb the info. He doesn't care about what you say right now so probably only briefly scans over your messages. You know how when you listen to the stereo or TV and a really aggravating commercial comes on that you hate, so you turn the volume down really low? You're that annoying commercial to him right now.
Also note how brief his messages to you are. He asked the tumor question in the most minimal way possible. Here's a challenge for you- if you answer at all, answer even shorter. In the case of this question, a simply "yes" would have sufficed as a response.
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he hasn't been sleeping well? Has had a lot of stress and isn't working so maybe he did forget? But, he had to remember because how many TUMORS just spontaneously resolve - this is the only one I see and sometimes 1 other one related to testosterone but most people don't think tumors spontaneously go away. It will still be there in his text messages? OR is this just to get me to poke my head down the rabbit hole again????
Have you read The Happiness Trap? If not, please do. It'll give you some techniques for stopping your mind from running away from you like this. There's a stop sign technique that you'll see vets mention here now and then, basically when your mind spins like yours was then you picture a graphic image in your mind of a stop sign. Graphic images make a stronger impression than thoughts. Plus we're programmed from an early age to understand what a stop sign means, and we respond to it. Do read the book, it will help. It helped me a ton early on after BD.
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Nothing after that... its like he just wanted to know that I would still respond to him after our pseudo talk yesterday?
No, I think he quite literally meant what he asked. He wanted to know if the tumor would go away, period. That's it. There was no ulterior motive, no temp check, no him sitting by the phone hoping desperately that you'll reply. Sometimes things are exactly as they appear! Don't fill in the gaps with wild imaginings!
Thank you! Just know, you aren't the only one who has let some words slip! We all have done it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If I had to guess he had one foot out the door two years ago and never fully came back to the marriage until he was able to monkey branch his way out of it.
If you dwell on these texts from him you will drive yourself crazy.
If I had to guess he had one foot out the door two years ago and never fully came back to the marriage until he was able to monkey branch his way out of it.
If you dwell on these texts from him you will drive yourself crazy.
I don't believe that. I do think he recommitted because things were good... and then I tanked. He spent months trying to connect with me. I see that now. But, I was not in a good place... and it snowballed.
It is what it is. I have to deal with the present situation.
I agree. His texts throw me off but I kept it business like and didn't keep texting him. I want him to feel nothing but crickets from me.
Worked out... go me! Feeling happy. Chilling with the dogs. Settling in to watch Netflix which is big.... I've been able to sit and watch some tv.... it had been 2months.
I just don't care about anything right now... I have some peace at the moment. I didn't sleep well last night let's hope tonight is better.
Work should keep me occupied... AND Saturday I've penciled myself a date with... ME. Going to take a drive to one of our states best ice cream shops... have dinner and dessert because I have earned it!
That sounds great! I’m so ready to get back out doing things again with all this Corona stuff. It’s made all of our collective issues harder to bear I think.
KC, I just have to advise something that I have advised before, and that you dismissed. But after being away from your sitch for weeks, and coming back to it to see you doing the same things, making the same mistakes, I really think you should look in to IC. I know you said you had a bad experience. Well, ICs are like anything else, there are good ones and bad ones. If you took your car to a bad mechanic, would swear off mechanics for the rest of your life? No, you would go to a different once next time. IC is the same way. No one should ever settle for an inferior IC, and no one should give up on IC because of an inferior one.
I really think it would do you wonders, and you'd look back and ask why you didn't do it earlier! (HUGS)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Once this pandemic is over and those things are easier to do I will consider it. I have been looking after my mental health and have been in contact with my GP and I'm taking meds which do help.
I'm doing some online self help things.
I will admittedly own up to getting thrown off by his contact - especially when I think its not really necessary on his end. So what does that mean??? I'm accepting now who knows why he does what he does and it doesn't mean a thing. Maybe in his mind its necessary.
I've accepted he has said Wed - now was not a good time to talk. Okay. I walked away. If there ever is a good time to talk it will be on him. I'm withdrawing. I'm looking what I can do and get involved with once social distancing is less of an issue.
I have my sad moments but honestly since Wednesday its more good than bad.
I so appreciate the good thoughts and all the advice. I've got to start working the program better! I think the longer there is no contact from him the stronger I will become.
