I want to be absolutely clear on how this plays out and why you should take half of that money.
If you are ever to recon it will be solely based on his life not turning out the way he planned it and life with you was better.
You taking half the money will have no effect on you ever reconciling. He will try to bully you into giving it to him.
Honestly I just want the attys to deal with it... Ultimately what will happen is that he will get the cash and I will probably get more of his 401K... it will come out in the wash BUT - you are right this is a process and if this is what he wants we need to proceed correctly.
In my state, you have to prove that money is separate property, which typically means it was not commingled at some point during the marriage. The burden of proof is on him. He was planning to buy something fun for the two of you. The account is in your name.
I wish I could argue I had a bunch of money set aside for a future with my STBXW but since things didn't work out, I'm just going to take it along with me since it's mine lol.
The convo started out with some light stuff. Actual discussion of things in the world. Then I mentioned my mom and her H coming back home and seeing about getting the welder for H to fix deer stand.
That p*ssed him off. Why would I do that?
I didn't actually say this but the deer stand has been sitting in my back yard for weeks. He was the one to say that my mom's H had a welder. H was supposed to be doing some fence work at the house so I thought it was a nice gesture in return. WHATEVER.
Moved on to when he can come to the house to get more of his things - decided Sunday. He asked for early morning and I suggested noon... he did not like that (please keep in mind 2 weeks ago I said noon and he showed up at 1pm). He asked for 10 so I suggested 11. He was happy but said FINE.
That was almost the end of the call.. then he was like WAIT what about the order - you said there was a work around. I agreed that I did and said what it was but didn't know if would work and atty didn't recommend... His response oh your dimwit atty.
He then said I wish you were as fast fixing your mistakes as making them. I apologized but stated I had gotten all his other paperwork that he had been requesting over the last 2 weeks. Not a word - no thank you, nothing... WHATEVER.
I wanted to ask if he had gotten new atty and started over --- but what would be the point?
I didn't back down from the order..... BUT I FEEL LIKE SUCH A DOORMAT tonight.
I'm so sick of all this.
When we are in person things are just calmer and kinder. He doesn't really look me in the eyes but he is polite and helpful. Tonight he was clearly not happy and his mood was dark.
I will say that in the past when things haven't gone his way he would start saying things like "this is why I can't trust you", "you are just out to screw me over" and tons of texts.... he didn't do that tonight. I appreciated that he didn't do that to me tonight.
I'm crushed but I will survive.
Last edited by job; 04/29/2001:50 PM. Reason: edited language
Stop talking to him on the phone. It violates the rules of engagement at this point:
-If he calls let it go to voicemail. Do not call back. If he asks a question in the VM, text him back at a later time with an answer, short and too the point.
If he texts an informational text, do not respond. If he asks a question answer it at a later time, in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
I know you pooh-poohed my suggested that you still enjoyed his attention even in negative interactions. But why do you keep talking to him? You were so strong in your "I am going to tell him to have his attorney handle these things (order) with my attorney." THat was the right approach. When the order comes up (preferably in texts not voice!), you say "have your attorney contact my attorney about it". WHO CARES IF HE HAS GOTTEN A NEW ATTORNEY OR NOT? That is his problem.
KC, I haven't been engaged in your sitch for a while but I seem many of the same mistakes as before. You haven't let go at all. Even the deer stand shows you are still trying to please him. Does it even make sense to you to try to please a lying cheater? If you were a friend, would you want your friend to be appeasing and catering to a lying cheater?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Honestly I hate talking to him on the phone... truly... Can't see his eye rolls or his stonewalling. He said he hasn't the money or the time with everything else he has going on to get a new atty... he had a really crappy night and didn't sleep well...
I soooo need to walk away.... leave him to his filth bucket.
Today is about Me!!!! I will not take a single step back. The order is staying... I wait to get any updates from my atty but I am NOT seeking out my atty... I have this gift of time and today its the gift of housecleaning!
KC, most people quit burning themselves on a hot stove after touching it once or twice. You just keep right on laying your hand on it and leaving it there until you see smoke though, and then wondering why you have so many scars I know this is hard but really, your continued texting and phone calls with H are you placing your hand on the stove willingly over and over again expecting that maybe it won't burn this time. Maybe some day the hot stove that is your husband will cool down enough for that but it is so far down the road that it's not even in sight yet. PLEASE.... STOP.... TALKING TO HIM! No talking. No texting. Let's focus on YOU. Leave him be.
Every single interaction you have with him is extremely unhealthy. I understand you have more of his stuff, but set a date and tell him to get it ALL out. And please stop using his things as an excuse to keep talking to him. You keep highlighting all these many texts and phone calls you have with him and your "explanation" is that he still has stuff at your house so you MUST talk to him. I'm not buying it. I've been through it, and coordinating with my XW to get the rest of her stuff out of my house took like 3 texts TOTAL. And they were all strictly business. What are you taking, when are you taking it, how long will it take. Period end of story. Any more than that is just you desperately clinging to him for whatever crumbs be might throw.
Originally Posted by KitCat
My reasons 1) I know deep down that I'm still trying to please him, 2) I don't want to disappoint him, 3) I don't want him to feel that I'm controlling the situation.
^^^ I totally get that all of those focus on HIM. That is why I've been wanting to avoid this topic with him 100%. Its my achille's heel for absolute sure.
Good, I'm glad you see that because I think you are 100% correct. I also hope you understand that 1) NOTHING you do will "please" him, even giving him what he thinks is his money. 2) EVERYTHING you do is a disappointment to him. Hold the money, give it back, burn it, give it to charity, buy a new house for him, literally anything you do he will find fault in. 3) He 100% thinks you are controlling NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.
^^^Please read and understand. This is his wayward mindset at work. You're no longer the person he loved unconditionally, his "other half", his "partner" in life. You're not. I know it hurts, I know you are upset, I know you feel betrayed and burned and just want to "fix" everything. But you can't. So you've got to quit touching the stove and quit trying to "nice" him back. Remember grey rock? You really should try it.
I know... I'm slow to get the clue I know I need to have. I go from being strong and ok one minute to a trainwreck the next... where in the world is the in between?
I get that I can't nice him back... he doesnt even want nice anymore.
I swear I'm done. No more calls or texts. He will be here Sunday at 11am... done.
Then its continue to work on me... LRT... I won't lie... I still want him to come back but I accept there is nothing I can do but move on. He has to be the one to decide that working on M is the better choice for him.
It’s ok to be strong then to a train wreck as long as you don’t act on it. I really hope you understand that this is most likely a minimum 2-3 year process.
I know this is hard but really, your continued texting and phone calls with H are you placing your hand on the stove willingly over and over again expecting that maybe it won't burn this time. Maybe some day the hot stove that is your husband will cool down enough for that but it is so far down the road that it's not even in sight yet. PLEASE.... STOP.... TALKING TO HIM! No talking. No texting. Let's focus on YOU. Leave him be.