It takes a while - but you will realize how much better it is without that type of toxicity. It’s better to be alone without that stress. Right now is the time to build yourself back up. And then when your ready you will start dating and realize what a catch you are and how fun it is to be attractive to someone that appreciates you. and then meet a partner - someone that’s an actual partner and realize what you were missing. How abnormal and wrong your ex was.
Okay now here is where I get upset. Do I need someone to be happy? Its the million dollar question that keeps me up at night.
If one expects happiness to come from any external source - child, spouse, partner, etc. - they are doomed to be disappointed.
Will Smith said it better than I ever could. Look for a video Will Smith, Happiness, Love.
xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
No you don’t have to have someone to be happy. Find your happiness first. Then you can decide whether there’s room in your life for another man, but you will have your happiness regardless.
I didn’t mean for my comment to come across as stepford wivey... I wasn’t trying to imply that you need someone to be happy. I think that if you need someone to be happy - you end up susceptible to abuse or settling down with the wrong person because you don’t want to be alone.
I was trying to relay that when you have been in an abusive relationship for so long - it’s hard to realize or identify the toxicity or abnormality of that relationship until your exposed to a healthy relationship. I don’t think I would have stayed with my ex husband (I met him in my early 20s) had I experienced a healthy relationship prior to him. Now, being in a different type of relationship, I look back at my ex and say “wow. He was really the problem here. Not me. Normal people don’t wake up at 3pm and let the spouse recovering from a surgery while pregnant take care of a 3 year old” seriously. (Yes I’m still mad - but now I’m mad that I didn’t just leave instead of argue) I can say this because I’m seeing a guy that is responsible with his kids. I’m seeing a guy that actually cares about the well-being of his partner.
It’s a great feeling when you realize it wasn’t you.
I don’t think you need a partner to be happy. Some people don’t like that type of companionship. Some people do and that’s ok too.
Juju ((((Hugs))) I’m ashamed to admit I was seeking reassurance that I can be happy alone. I’ve had a man in my life since I was 14 and I’m 54. Before this the longest I was ever alone was maybe a few weeks. I’d break up with one guy and be out looking for another the next night. I’d serial date multiple men at a time kinda like speed dating until I quickly got into another R. This all seems pathetic now but this is all I’ve ever known. Oh and the men I picked? I dumped the good ones choosing instead the avoidants, abusers, druggies, ones without jobs, etc. I thought I’d won the lottery with H because he was attractive, had a good job, sex was amazing, etc. The red flags started flying a year into the R but by then I was addicted, trauma bonded, something.
Wait that’s not true one guy physically abused me, we lived together and had he asked I would have married him. I left after he threw me through a wall. I went back of course but that story is for another day I have to leave for work.
Thank you all for helping me. I need it desperately right now.
This is the time in your life to begin a love affair with life and with yourself. You have been a gift as you have been released from a dysfunctional person. Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.
What are the things you wished you had received in your childhood and did not? These are the things you begin to do for yourself, that you can do for yourself to begin to rebuild yourself.
Everything you need is already inside you.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
One more thing before I try to get some work done. I'm so very behind.
Thank you for not telling me my issues are beyond the scope of this board. I'm on DB to help move on from a 28 year marriage. I had H on a pedestal and believed everything was my fault. I still have him on a pedestal and still think this is all my fault. H is that really great guy who does all the right things and people would tell me how awesome he is. Thing is he didn't want to do those things and he'd get this disgusted look on his face. Unless it involved money (or sex) he resented people who bothered him.
....trying to take him off the pedestal bear with me. After S19 was born I went back to work and got the stomach bug. Made it to 5pm but called H to tell him I needed him to call in (he was working nights back then). He had tons of sick time built up so I was dumbfounded when he said no. I called him out on it and "good guy" appeared. He said he'd stay home until S19 was asleep then he was going to work (crumb). I was so angry....cue the I'm asking too much from him speech.
Other common speeches: you're too needy speech, my mother was happy with less speech, all the other husbands get to do it speech, you want too much speech and the ever popular I'm just more independent (better) than you.
One thing that helped me was to make a list of the positives and negatives. Seems silly now, but I ended up having to add weights to increase the importance of the positives to have them out-weigh the negatives.
There were a lot of negatives it turned out.
Other people have used lists like this to remind themselves that their former partner actually was a jerk and pull it out to re-read whenever they feel themselves slip.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Your issues are not beyond the scope of this board. Sometimes we may not understand what you or anyone that posts are seeking from us, but we do listen, offer advice and sometimes that advice may sting, but it is meant w/good intentions. You have a lot going on in your life now and in the past and if writing about things helps you, then continue to write them out and if you are struggling w/something, post it. There are a number of wonderful people here that are finding their footing while attempting to move on from their marriages. We all have had stumbling blocks along the way, but we do the best we can to help each other get up, dust ourselves off and continue to move forward.
HaWho has said it very well, i.e., everything you need is right inside of you. You just have to find the strength, courage and confidence to seek it out. Rebuilding takes time. As Andrew pointed out, for some, we made lists of the positives and negatives and that helped us begin to see what was actually in front of us, but we were too close to see clearly.
So, please, no one is going to say that what you are experiencing right now is beyond the scope of this Board. You are doing the best you can and learning about yourself and when the time comes, you will be surprised at how far you've come and the person you've rediscovered along the way.
Do not ever think you are the only one w/issues from your past...many of us have had them and have had to find a way to work through those issues as we struggle to navigate the ending of marriages.
Also, it's just about time to start a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
