Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 10

KC, thank you for the list of your personal efforts, you are really doing some great things and that's an excellent place to put your focus! Just in general your posts still come off as you very desperately wanting to get your H back, and wanting to do whatever you can towards that end. So in that respect I think you may still be doing things not for you, but for him. Maybe I'm wrong about that, I mean I do see you posting that your focus is on you, it just doesn't feel that way in your posts. That will hopefully change with time. WAS's have a 6th sense for this stuff, they KNOW if you're pining away for them. No matter how much you act "as if", they just KNOW your real motivations. And it repels them, even disgusts them. Eventually you will (hopefully) truly focus on yourself. You will dress sexy because you feel sexy and you want to look sexy, not because you're hoping he'll catch a glimpse of you. You'll bake muffins because you love the smell in your house, not because you're desperately hoping he'll stop by and smell it and want to come home. Do you see what I mean? You're doing the right things, but your focus is still not on YOU and YOUR hopes, dreams and desires (other than recon). To get him back you have to let him go in every sense of the word.



As Michele says, it's all about baby steps. So celebrate ANY improvements! As long as you don't attach a bunch of expectations to it.



I'm not sure there are any shoes left, LOL! He's moved out and is with OW and pushing for D. Not sure what else he could hit you with at this point. I think it's more likely that he's feeling some of the pressure is off since you've been cooperating, and he has his bike and the boat and much of his stuff. This is not uncommon, once the WAS sees their "end game" (divorce, "happy" life with OP) is starting to fall into place then they don't feel pressured anymore and they start relaxing and being more cordial.

One of two scenarios will play out from here. He will ride off into the sunset with OW. Unlikely, but it happens. Or his fantasy life with OW will turn out to be a huge disappointment. Often what happens is life with OW is nothing but rainbows and sunshine and wild sex before D. No bills, no stress, none of the decisions that make life difficult. It's also exciting because of the "taboo" nature of it- married person having a fling. Then comes S and D and moving in with OW. She snores. She leaves her clothes everywhere. She's got crap spread out all over the counter. And good grief, why does she always have to breathe so loud? And was her laugh always that annoying? WHAT she got ANOTHER purse? And MORE SHOES??? Are you kidding? Yeah the bloom is officially off the rose. Then guess what, he feels trapped all over again. He starts thinking of the fun times you had, poking around your FB and wow she's looking good, when did she lose all that weight? And look, she's always doing fun stuff with friends, and wait, who's the guy in those pics? A friend? Coworker? Pangs of jealousy kick in.

^^^This is all human nature.^^^ It's stupid, it's illogical, but it's how we're wired. Hopefully you see now what your END GOAL is here. It's not to keep throwing yourself in front of him NOW, it's to lay the groundwork for what he is going to remember LATER. All that stuff has to play out with OW first before he might start feeling regret. And that is going to take a while.

AS ---- and Everyone Thanks!!

While I am putting every effort to put the focus back on myself, I do see where I am still stuck giving to H some of my desires. Yes, I want this fixed now... at least in 6 months... he has a year and I am done.

In an effort to focus on myself I did a lot of journalling about what I defined as deal breakers - I had 2 BEFORE I was married. 1) Wouldn't marry a smoker (well he wasn't when we married but overtime with years of having his XW withhold his kids for months at time and just being around at work it was an easy stress reliever that he fell back into). He was polite and didn't do it around me. He kept trying to cut back. I used to nag - that didn't help. Then I ignored and he made more effort but that is a tough monkey to get off your back. I accepted my H for who he was - flawed like the rest of us. I mostly worried for his health. AND 2) a PA. I thought the minute there was a PA I would pack my bags and be out the door in a flash. But, I realize my role in where things were at with my H and our M. I will never make excuses for the path he chose to take but I see his pain and his agony before the PA actually happened. I did my reading prior to marrying my H because of his past history... and yet as years of ups and downs and what life throws at you... here we both are again. I understand my H (please do not mix that up with I excuse him.) Under the right conditions I think our M could be salvaged from this - no guarantees. NOW my only deal breaker is 3) Divorce. If we get to D then I know we are truly done. I won't walk down that road where the person I married just completely baled when times got tough. If I can show him I can work through this and he still feels the best answer is D then D it is. So I've given my sitch a year.

I am really focusing on me, but I haven't detached completely yet. I know that is a process and perhaps by keeping the focus on me it will happen.

I took 2 weeks to figure out what I could do with my extra time (especially now with quarantine). I don't want to put ALL my time into knitting ---- that is what happened at the demise of my M. In the last 2 1/2month the tv has only been on for 1 1/2hr... I used to have it on for background noise all the time.

So I went from free online classes about photography - minor interest for me but something I will never invest thousands of dollars to get into. I was interested in MasterClass series and while that would have been interesting would that really challenge me personally? Since I have a highly pedigreed gun dog I looked into "how to train your gun dog". I've never handled a firearm let alone shoot anything. I was laughing at work because I have to get him socialized around gunfire... now I have to go buy a rifle/shotgun I don't even know the difference. I have to learn how to handle it and holy cow I'm gong to get into duck hunting just to keep my athletic dog stimulated!!! It was a good laugh at work. That's going to be a lot of time and needing help of others for sure.

I settled on a 10 week M program where one spouse is out the door. The basis is not to focus on your M but you. And, when the time comes how to implement those things when communicating with your S. I thought this would hammer home thinking and getting the focus truly on myself. There has been a ton of homework. Its a great deal of introspection and a lot of it is painful --- seeing how our behaviors cut each other down rather than building each other up. I showed him my love by DOING things for him. I thought by packing his lunch and doing his laundry and keeping a clean house showed that I loved him immensely. Yeah, those things were nice but his love language is physical touch... and because of my self esteem issues with my weight I didn't feel worthy. That left him feeling rejected and isolated. He left our M because he didn't feel love or respected by me.

Anyway I digress. I'm taking the full 10 weeks. I going to work through this to see how I can be a better person moving forward by things I might have done that hurt my S. And, again hoping this lets me really and truly focus on me because I'm the prize... or as my H put it I was a goddess at one point to him.

Last night was difficult. I know I deserve better and I'm so tired of being a disappointment to my H (yes, I get the latter statement is still putting focus on the H.) Frankly, I do still want recon... that is still my end game. At least I can be honest. But, I'm putting the work in the next 10 weeks to get that focus 100% on me.

Thanks to everyone keeping it real and holding me accountable!!!

KK,

I asked you this before and I don’t think you ever answered. Are you in IC? I am concerned about your well being right now. You listed your dealbreakers and your H broke all of them. Have you thought about that for a minute?

I truly don’t think you understand how long this entire process takes to play itself out.

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes. “You can ignore reality but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality”. Really think about that quote.

Not in IC at this moment.

Yes - H broke 1 and 2 of the deal breakers. I'm not so forgiving of number 2 but I have realized the part that I played in the process of number 2. Many couples get through a PA so its possible we could as well? Who knows? There would have to be a lot of work done by H to get through number 2. He is still into chasing happiness elsewhere right now. The reality is even if I got myself to a place where number 2 could be dealt with H is no where near that right now. As for 3 - we are not D yet. Will get to D - highly likely... that is MY end point and where I walk for sure.

Currently he is texting this am about how his free legal atty dropped him and he has to get another one and start all over... then he shared he screwed up his unemployment... Not sure why he feels the need to share this with me.

Regardless I've got outside chores to do... I'm gonna get busy!!!

KC,

Do not reply back to his texts today. He's telling you about the free legal lawyer dropping him and him screwing up his unemployment to get sympathy from you. Poor baby! You aren't his mother and he certainly fired you as a wife. Now, the real world is setting him and it's on him to find another lawyer. Whatever you do, do not help him figure things out on his end about the separation/divorce. That is on him, i.e., he walked out, he's moving his stuff out and he's the one having the affair. If he can do all of that, then he can put his big boy underwear on and figure his life out for himself. Any questions that he poses to you about the legal paperwork, direct him to your lawyer. And, .....no is a valid answer to questions that you don't need to go into depth w/him. Also, when in doubt, do nothing. Sit for a bit and then the answers will come as to what you need to say or do.

Keep the focus on you as much as possible. I do understand why you continue to think of him and post about him, but for the love of the man upstairs, please try to let him go, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Also, don't put a time limit on what will or will not happen in a year. Let that thought drift away. Sometimes it may take more than a year to reconcile and then again, after a year, you may decide you are far better off w/o him. So, drop the time line...it's putting undue pressure on you to try to "win/nice" him back. It won't work. Let him go!

KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOU!!!!

Hi KitKat,

Good morning! Just letting you know I read your update. Good luck today. Agree 142.3145729% with Job.

Had a super good nights sleep last night... felt great.

So why very first thing this morning before I got out of bed was I thinking about him? UGH... so frustrating.

I spent all last night - telling myself I'm beautiful (recent selfie posted on FB - no filters needed!, had people telling me I looked 20yr younger than I am!!), I'm smart, I'm generous, I'm devoted to my career, I'm intelligent, I'm worthy, I'm kind, I'm valuable. And, I believe all these things about me.

So why am I focused on his text from yesterday - that H has to go out and get new atty and he has to start all over.

Why, do I want to text him back ---- Or we could try something else [like work on the M]

I know this is WRONG.

He continued to text. Said if I could drop the financial order he would really appreciate it. Followed by am I working Saturday. Then he could come Sunday?

I responded much later in the day with let me think about it and get back to you later - had plans this weekend. He responded with OK.

I only addressed the business stuff of his texts about getting more of his things. Really could use a break this weekend. Would it be wrong to post pone 1 week so I could focus on my needs this weekend? Nothing at the house is of urgent need for him.

Well don't know how many woman go out and do fence work with a full on smokey eye... but this girl is going too.

I will get through this day. I am stronger than this.

I don’t see where it would be wrong to post pone anything that’s not urgent to take care of yourself. And actually that’s exactly the sort of thing you should be doing imo. It helps you detach, and takes a little control of your own life. But I’m a novice so maybe I’m wrong.

Try not to beat yourself up over thinking about him first thing. But IC would help with that sort of thing too.

Good luck with the fence today!

It takes some people longer than others to move on, you're on your own timetable so don't sweat it. The important thing is that you don't react to it and send desperate texts as a plea for attention, and you're not, so that's good!



Awesome!



Those are two separate things though. You can (and SHOULD!) feel good about yourself, and still be heartbroken and longing to reconcile. So keep feeling good about yourself and PLEASE realize that this has nothing to do with you being a bad or unwanted person. It may feel that way now but it'll pass with time. Keep focusing on those positive affirmations.



NO NO NO. Be very firm with him on this point. He's tried to browbeat you into dropping it, he's tried to threaten you, and nothing has worked so now he is playing on your pity (oh poor me, I can't afford a lawyer! So please drop everything and let me have what I want!) Again, tell him that this came from your lawyer, not you. And it needs to be resolved with your lawyer, not you.



Don't respond with "let me think about it" after you've already taken hours to reply. Just tell him "no". I think you are still afraid to say that to him, worried it will "hurt your chances". It's not going to hurt anything, because right now there are no chances of recon at all. That is waaaay down the road. Just tell him no, he will have to wait until "X" date. No explanations needed. If he asks why then just tell him you had already made plans and don't want to change them.



Yes you will. It will take longer than you want it to, but you will get there!

Now I'm angry.... ANGRY...

H texted me earlier today - I believe we get a stimulus check in the next round.

Well I have a pretty good idea we don't. We make too much freaking money. But whether or not we - why are you texting me? I get it. If we do it would go to my bank account. But his name is on account and he has 100% access to it. He can check himself.

Then... he just called. Thank goodness I was busy at work.

Again more texts --- "can you call me when you get a chance"... "I need one more thing from you"

I'm sure this is about his mortgage. But, frankly I'm done. I already spend a day and half and 6 emails to atty to do your affidavit. I spend another evening tracking down docs that you also "needed".

ASK YOUR GF to do it for you... and leave me alone. We are not friends.