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My M was toxic. H would subconsciously push my buttons I'd get angry, got labeled as "crazy" then he walked away thinking the problem was resolved. It's all my fault and that's the end of that conversation. Over many years he got older, grew more unhappy, the new cars weren't enough anymore and he needed a bigger fix so he sought out OW and left.

My participation in this was allowing the neglect to continue without any consequences to him.

I hear you Kas. My ex was a horrible spender. Had secret debt - and just deflected and found ways to avoid financial transparency. Turned out he was a secret addict which I didn’t find out about until maybe 3 years after he left when I finally got access to his bank and cc statements. You see, for a while I was trying to win him back - and not argue and validate. I even have posts on here under the name of Julieh in which I’m asking if it’s ok to take him to court for child support - because he was telling me I didn’t need the money and he wanted itemized receipts. I waited 5 months because i was afraid to rock the boat.... I believed that I was the problem. Why else would he leave a marriage, unless I was a really horrible spouse. That I was the crazy one for getting mad at him for disappearing and sleeping till 3pm and not helping with son.

It takes a while - but you will realize how much better it is without that type of toxicity. It’s better to be alone without that stress. Right now is the time to build yourself back up. And then when your ready you will start dating and realize what a catch you are and how fun it is to be attractive to someone that appreciates you. and then meet a partner - someone that’s an actual partner and realize what you were missing. How abnormal and wrong your ex was.

So what are you doing now for yourself? What makes you confident? For me it was working out and self care. What do you need from yourself?

I think about this every.single.day. Serious question how many people do you know in real life that have accomplished this?

Exactly!!! This is how I feel. H stayed for 30 years and it's really messing with my head. Some of the horrible things he said haunt me to this day.



Okay now here is where I get upset. Do I need someone to be happy? Its the million dollar question that keeps me up at night.



I'm confident when I push myself to be productive even when I feel terrible. Was doing great for a few weeks and was ready to start working out but then ugh I found out who the OW is and I got his answer to the divorce complaint. Crash and burn, back to wallowing, negativity and hopelessness.

My mom! She was born to a poor tenant farmer in the middle of a blizzard in Montana in the depth of the great Depression. She grew up poor and married young to escape her home life with her narcissistic mom. The guy she married turned out to be an alcoholic. She came out to California to live with her older sister and work and she started dating her boss. She got pregnant and had to get a quickie Mexican divorce to marry my father (didn't learn this until I was an adult, never discussed it with her). She had 4 kids and went to night school in the 1960's to earn her bachelor's degree (first in her large family to get a college degree).She finally got her bachelor's degree when I was 14 and 3 months later my father died of an unexpected heart attack, leaving her a widow with 4 children. She experienced sex discrimination and later age discrimination in her working life.

She struggled financially, teaching in a poor-paying Catholic school job because she couldn't take the unpaid time to student teach to get her credential. She remarried because society told her the kids had to have a father - this man turned out to have terrible problems with chronic depression. The marriage wasn't happy and she divorced after ten years. Because her house had increased considerably in value during these years and we live in a community property state, she had to sell our home o give him his share when she divorced.

She went to work as a bookkeeper because she could make more money than teaching in the Catholic school. (My father was a CPA). After a few years she sat for the CPA exam and passed all parts the first time (something only 4% of people do, and she didn't even have an accounting degree!). She worked as a CPA until she retired in her 60's. She moved to live near me and my kids and my ex and I helped her buy a small house which we renovated. She volunteered in the local library and eventually they MADE her apply for a paid position. She worked until she was 85 as an assistant librarian 20 hours a week, probably her favorite job.

She only had a modest Social Security check and small savings for her retirement, but the extra money from that job allowed her to take me and my sister on several trips. We went to London, Paris, Rome, Italy, Ireland and Scotland, Canada, the East Coast. Places my mom NEVER dreamed in her life that she would get to see.

My mom never whined or complained about her life. She was shy and introverted but kept putting one foot in front of the other. She always made room for anybody who needed to stay or join us for dinner. She always had our back and we all knew we could always turn to her for help. At various points in our lives she took in each of us four kids as adults. She had a good sense of humor and loved music.

When she died suddenly last fall, we all celebrated her life and all that she had done. On her tombstone we put "Nevertheless, She Persisted". She was dealt a lot of bad hands but she kept putting one foot in front of the other and in the end, she had a pretty good life and was much beloved.

Great, inspiring story, kml! Kas, my heart just hurts for you when I read your posts. I am not sure that I can offer any really different advice than what has already been offered to you by people on this board who are far more out together than I am. The thing is, everyone has to deal with their pain and loss in their own time and in their own way. It isn’t anyone else’s place to tell anyone how to do that. You sometimes seem to be doing ok and then sometimes really down. I know it is hard but really try to NOT get down on yourself and compare your life now to STBX’s life. You have said several times you are better off because he was not a pleasant person so embrace that. Try to keep the negative self talk to a minimum because that doesn’t help.

I know you don’t believe it or feel it right now, but you will be ok eventually. And by the way, I totally agree with what LH and kml said. They’re smart folks!

Kml yes inspiring story (chat later) and hey I’m a CPA too. Passed 3 parts the first time.

Dawn the negative self talk makes me feel bad but positive self talk makes me feel icky sometimes. My IC says I’m just not used to it that’s all. A lifetime of being told I’m not worthy of love left a mark.

I’m not giving up. Reached out to the leader of my support group. She asked me if we could find another way to communicate but neither of are phone talkers. We are going to read daily meditations and briefly discuss them via text. I highly recommend The Daily Stoic. 366 days of short but powerful meditations. She wants to help me. Isn’t that wonderful?

Kass, I l

I’ve accomplished this. It can be done. I’m proof.

I’ve been hit over and over again my whole life. And I just make myself stronger, accomplish more, keep pushing forward and I work hard for everything f I’ve accomplished and I’ve gotten. Nothing has ever been handed to me, no kind but myself J’s ever supported me.

And believe it or not, even though my life Isn’t easy or the way I thought it would be, I’m happy. Even without a partner. BecUse I take care of me and my daughter and we live a good life

I hate autocorrect. That was supposed to read “no one has ever supported me but me”