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To the question earlier, I really just want to know what’s going on. If it’s an affair I just want to know and I think I would be willing to at least try to talk and work through it (note that I don’t think it’s an affair, at least not a physical one). I keep trying to think through what the main issues are. Essentially she said that things with us are “fine” but that she doesn’t feel happy which is what she wants. I think frequency of sex could be a part of it, but again, we both contribute to that with the challenge in finding the time given busy schedules and her need for sleep.

In reading the forums here more it actually made me wonder if this is partially a mid life crisis as well (a little on the early side). She enjoyed her time alone while away and I’m not sure she actually wanted to come back to me and the kids. I get that feeling-it’s a different kind of stress to have to come back to dealing with those types of things.

Right now I’m trying to focus on the GAL stuff for me. I’m very much a family-focused person and my favorite times are when we are all doing something fun together, so it’s definitely different for me to prioritize me. I have been doing that a bit over the past several days and it’s definitely helped to at least get me going in a different direction.

It’s been really hard for me to give her distance and space but I’ve been doing it. I really just want to grab her and hold her and tell her I love her and that there’s nothing we can’t work through but instead I’m just interacting with pleasantries. We still find things to laugh at together, still make eyes at each other when a kid does something funny, etc. I don’t know if it’s wishful thinking but to me that means that there is still something there from her perspective too. It’s just that this waiting game is against my nature and it’s hard and it [censored]. Onward I guess...

Keep giving her that space. Keep reading and posting Bc.

It takes time. Be patient.

I remember that feeling. It's worth expressing your willingness to work on the relationship when she's ready at least once. By the time most of us come here, we've already done that, so it doesn't require repeating and it's a negative to keep pressuring her. That we're probably going through one of the stages of grief at the time often doesn't help our delivery--we commonly see people worsen their situations (I'm guilty, too) by pleading, anger, control, apology letters, or telling them we'll always be there.


It's rotten. It's an earwig in your ear while a skunk walks across your face. You're doing well. Be patient and hang in there. I hope the character of your situation becomes clearer over the next week.

Keep posting. We're listening. We're rooting for you.

BeChange, just read your thread. Sorry you're here and going through this. I was there a couple of years ago, hearing the same type of thing from my wife. You've gotten some good advice already.

Remember, focus on you. GAL (harder right now but you can still start busy), 180 on any bad behavior, and detach. Remove all pressure and pursuit. Do not follow her around, do not start relationship discussions. If she does then listen and validate.

As LH alluded to, be ready for the other shoe to drop. Likely there is someone else. Look for the signs. More secretive time on her phone. Not letting her phone out of her sight. Etc.

Hang in there. Post often. We can help.

Hi Mr Change,

Sorry you find yourself in this very familiar sitch. Glad you found us. Some very wise people here to help you.

First,
I believe LH meant to say this:

LH, correct me if I am wrong.


I have been here for a long time....got here in 08/09. I have been busy lately and not posting much.


Talking will not get you out of this.

Making hard core changes to your behavior is important right now. Everything that works is counter-intuitive.

If you want to talk about something, fight every urge and STFU.

Most people do the wrong thing at the wrong time. Everything that she will do is predictable. You have to read like a madman and absorb as much info as you can right now. Know the best way to respond to a sitch BEFORE it happens.

Here are wise words I have collected from DBers:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712

There are at least a 1000 in no particular order. Read them all.



She has lost her attraction for you. Your main goal is to become attractive to her again. This will take some time. It is your behavior and confidence during this that will have the best chance of attracting her back.

Women are hard wired on what they are attracted to. Alpha male traits are what you need to add to your behavior immediately.


Two of my mantras:

1) I do not share my woman with other men.
2) I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me.


I wish you well during this most difficult time. Just remember that everything will be OK no matter what she decides to do.

Prepare for the worst. After that, everything else will be easy.

Thanks for the thoughts. I’ve been reflecting a lot over the past few days and reading a lot of what has been shared. I d also been giving a lot of distance and space, which honestly has been pretty easy as she’s working long hours outside of the house and I’m at home with my work and the kids. When she does come home, it’s only a short time before she goes to sleep. I’m getting a lot of quality kid time and also carving out time for me to work on me and think about how to be my best self and to be the most attractive to her that I can be. I’ve been able to exercise and focus on work, and I haven’t brought up our relationship at all since Last week when she told me she didn’t want to be married. At the time I told her that I know I can’t make her be happy and that that’s for her to figure out, but if there are things I can do to contribute to that I’m willing to do them, and that when she’s ready to talk, if that’s after this super stressful work time or whenever, that I’m committed to working on the marriage. Since then, no discussion of it and I’m waiting on her and ready to listen and validate whenever that conversation happens.

I’ve also been paying attention to her phone habits but not in an invasive way. She does text a lot, but that’s not super unusual as she has a few different friend threads that she’s always had frequent texts with. I am paying attention to how protective she is of her phone as she seems to be much less willing to leave it lying around than she used to be. I hear what several people have said about someone else being very likely and at this point I’m considering that this is the case until I find out otherwise (and know that I may never find out).

At any rate, I also recognize that with any issues, big or small, in the past I’ve always been the one to try to diffuse and get back to harmony, likely to my own detriment as that has likely fostered a sense of her owning the tenor of our relationship-going against the alpha male idea. She has a really hard time with admitting when she’s made a mistake or is in the wrong and I’m all too willing to admit my side of things, which just further enables that type of behavior. This time is different. I’m certainly working on myself to identify my part in the issue, but I’m not going straight in to try to “make things right.” I am interested to see how she responds to this different, detaching behavior from me. All this to say, I appreciate all of your advice and am planning to stay strong in not initiating a conversation, hard as that may be

Our instincts are usually right. That's why we have them. But when it comes to a busted marriage, our instincts, unfortunately, are usually wrong. We usually default to pursuing behaviors, after all that is what got us together with our spouse to begin with, right? The problem is that pursuing behaviors that work at the beginning of a relationship do not work when we get into these situations. That is why R2C said that it is important to do that which is counter-intuitive.

GAL/staying busy. 180 on bad behavior for YOU and so that you can be the best you can be. And detachment (google: self-differentiation in marriage).

I see you talk about her controlling your relationship. That is an easy 180. The very best thing that you can do right now is to portray the attitude that you are going to be okay no matter what she does! First of all, that is true, whether you feel that or not. And secondly, doing that usually has a profound effect on the WAS. They expect you to be sad, mopey, self-absorbed, down-trodden. But when you are confident, upbeat, fulfilled, happy, satisfied, even pleased, she will wonder what the heck is up.

One small correction, there is nothing beta about owning up to your own mistakes and admitting them and resolving to be better! Nothing beta about that at all! The best alphas will always own their own mistakes, take control of those mistakes, and be better from that point forward. That last part is key. Betas are doomed to constantly make the same mistakes., Alphas take the initiative to do better from that point forward!

Good job on giving her distance. That is really the best thing you can be doing right now.

Just wondering for the veterans around here...as part of my distancing and GALing I haven't been initiating much in terms of everyday conversations either despite us being in the same house (though not spending a ton of time together given schedules). It feels weird not to just chat with someone who's living in the same house, regardless of who that person is and regardless of whether they've decided to sleep in a separate bedroom, but I also don't want to initiate conversations as I do my distancing. I've read through and see that people say that's the right thing to do - part of the counter-intuitive idea I guess - but it just feels weird as a "nice person" not to engage in that way. I recognize that days seem like weeks right now in this pandemic, and that her bomb drop was only two weeks ago, but it feels like it's been an eternity since I've had a normal, in-person conversation with anyone for longer than 2 minutes.

B,

Have you printed out and started implementing Sandis rules?

The house is only silent if neither of you initiate. Is SHE initiating any conversations?


Sounds like a good 180--deepen a friendship, make a new friend, or join one of the dozens of "Online Isolation Meetups" so you have someone to chat with and you're not dependent upon only her for social contact. If I recall correctly, you've mentioned she has several friends she messages.