ovrrnbw: Yes, I knew it was an exaggeration, but it is a helpful one for sure. In other words, expect crazy, crazy things. If my H came home with this confession, I would be filing for divorce the next day because I would know for sure that H had gone mentally ill to the point of no return if he did something like this. LOL
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Focus on what you can control. Your behavior and your interactions. Things that work are so counter-intuitive. Every part of your being wants to pursue, but pulling away works better.
Change your bad habits. Be attractive. Be seductive. Know the difference. Fix you. Let him fix him.
Google "stockdale paradox" and apply it to your life.
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Stockdale explained this idea as the following: "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Lots of folks do. In fact, I am dealing with an issue at work right now where one team assumed another team's silence was agreeance (yes I know that is an old English word, but I like it!).
But again, in these sitches we really don't care what the WAS thinks. That is what detachment is all about!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, help me understand what you are saying by, "Not reacting is NOT acceptance".
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Originally Posted by Cest_Moi
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Note: Not reacting is NOT acceptance.
I really struggle with this!!
FWIW, I was taught that there is a difference in reacting and responding. A reaction is associated with a negative act, whereas, a response is associated with a positive act.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Steve, help me understand what you are saying by, "Not reacting is NOT acceptance".
Quote
Originally Posted by Cest_Moi
Quote
Originally Posted by Steve85
Note: Not reacting is NOT acceptance.
I really struggle with this!!
FWIW, I was taught that there is a difference in reacting and responding. A reaction is associated with a negative act, whereas, a response is associated with a positive act.
What I mean is that when you do not react to what someone says or does it doesn't mean you agree with what they've said or done. But what you said is also true. It is always better to respond than react.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So my book should be here Tuesday! I went out and got a haircut and a new cross stitch to keep me busy.
I am being cordial, but not chasing after him for conversation or finding reasons to talk to him like I usually would.
I am being vague about plans and he is actually asking follow up questions to them "I won't be home after work, I have an appt" - Usually I would tell him when and where and what time I'd be home. Now, I just leave it at that.
I'm trying hard to do the 180, but it is a struggle.
I'm not sure where the lines are - do I tell him about the cute things the kids did/said? Or just things that concern him as a parent.
It's so hard living together and going to bed together as we deal with this but we are trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids until he saves up enough for an apartment.
I am such a planner and control person - I have a home planner, work one and a personal one. The fact that all of this is out of my control and I don't have a checklist or plan is really difficult for me. I always loved math because 1 + 1 = 2. I hated science because of all the variables - and this is all such a science!
To recap: I am not initiating conversation I am doing things for me I am giving limited details of what I'm doing I'm trying to GAL but I also don't want to leave my kids a lot I've got one book and the other on the way I'm trying not to look for hope when he initiates conversation or does nice things for me I'm dressing nice and doing my hair and makeup I'm always smiley and upbeat
It's so hard living together and going to bed together as we deal with this but we are trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids until he saves up enough for an apartment.
I am such a planner and control person - I have a home planner, work one and a personal one. The fact that all of this is out of my control and I don't have a checklist or plan is really difficult for me. I always loved math because 1 + 1 = 2. I hated science because of all the variables - and this is all such a science!
To recap: I am not initiating conversation I am doing things for me I am giving limited details of what I'm doing I'm trying to GAL but I also don't want to leave my kids a lot I've got one book and the other on the way I'm trying not to look for hope when he initiates conversation or does nice things for me I'm dressing nice and doing my hair and makeup I'm always smiley and upbeat
What else? What am I missing?
Sorry you are here CM. You're feeling the loss of control and uncertainty which is driven by fear. Its hard, unbelievably hard.
For the sleeping arrangements, the vets may have a better take.
Your planning and control...it's good you recognise this about yourself. Question for you...did you control him? Did he ever complain about either. If so, relinquishing the control should be one of your 180s. He may feel like he's walking on eggshells, cant be himself, criticized, not treated equally. I'm controlling as well so I can understand how hard yet how freeing it is to let go.
Talking about the kids will need to happen but the recommendation here is to usually keep it business. "Im going out tomorrow, please watch them till I'm back". The fun, loving things they do, tell a grandparent or relative. Missing the family unit at times can clear the fog the spouse is in.
If you're missing them, GAL with the kids. Take them to an indoor pool, the mall, museum. Read up hard on validation. For you and everyone in your life. Validate your own feelings, not just others.
For 180s...what are behaviors your spouse disliked the most? If you agree these things are issues worth correcting for YOU, then 180 them.
No matter the outcome, build a better you. For yourself and the kids. Be the foundation those kids need.
Last edited by Core; 01/26/2003:51 AM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
