The thing is he's okay one on one with my family. When they stop at our house to visit, H will have a conversation with them and be friendly and it is like nothing happened. But it's the "group" thing. He is the same with his own family, too. We received an invitation to his nephew's graduation party and H promptly said "I won't be going"
Quote: They take top priority over everything else. That is a hard lesson to learn and one that I had to learn as well and am still learning.
Very hard..my family events have been such a big part of my life. Although I will say they are the same thing over and over..my H even knows who will be in what room, doing what, etc.
Have been trying to readjust my priorities. When H was gone and I had no clue as to if he was coming back of not, I wanted S to know what family was so spent lots of time visiting, hanging out with my family. It takes a "village" as the saying goes.
So my H calls me this morning...asks how S was this morning. S hurt his little toe last night and so I took him to UrgentCare, he was fine. Better safe than sorry.
Then H says "so when do you want to talk about this move thing without our S around?" I say "again?" and then say just say when. H says no you decide you're the one that's busy all the time, then repeats what I said "again?" I said well it's your decision. I don't remember what H said but WHY does HE KEEP DOING THIS!! I was off for three days last week, H was off all last week! He could have taken care of it then, we could have talked then I was around, H was turkey hunting.
I said what about tomorrow night? H wouldn't commit. I said what about after S goes to bed to which H said "no I go to bed at that time, too!" So if he wants to talk about moving, he sure doesn't seem to want to do it anytime soon or wants to do it on his schedule or maybe just wanted me to beg him to not move out.
Then he says "what do you want?" "Everything?" (in the house). At that point I told H I couldn't talk about it now. I'm at work.
H knows I want him there, but I didn't say that to him. H is sleeping downstairs because of his own choice. Everything H is doing is pushing me away and then he's going to blame it all on me.
Maybe I should ask him to move back upstairs again? I haven't visited him and he hasn't visited me either. S fell asleep with H last night and I went down to bring him up to his bed and H looked like he was just laying there thinking.
I think he is trying to get a reaction out of you. More button pushing? Don't ignore his statements, there is a reason he is saying these things. But think about how to respond before you say anything.
Cathy you have handled some pretty high hurdles, don't lose sight of how far you have come.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and hope that the sunny is shining for you today.
Any chance of you getting someone to watch your S while you and H go out to talk? I would do it away from home as that is too comfortable for him and too easy for the emotions to escalate.
Perhaps a dinner for two somewhere where you can talk but not be overheard by the next table. I know there are plenty of places to fit that bill where you are.
It would be interesting to see if your H would agree to the 5 minute exercise. The one where you talk for 5 minutes and lay it all on the table and he can't interupt or defend. Then he does the same and you can't say anything while he talks. Keep doing it until it is all out there.
Man, you could tell him that you love him and want to help him work through the feelings he has been having about not being happy with anything, you could tell him you like to see him get some help to curb his drinking (he obviously doesn't acknowledge the level to which he drinks) because you want him around forever, you can tell him that S4 loves him and you want your family together and happy, not just together...
You can do this objectively and without any pleading - and you are more likely to be successful when you do it in public verses private.
Just my thoughts - if he truly wants to talk, then this kind of talk should be first. I told my H that I deserved that we try everything first - and we haven't done anything yet...but let time and trust and actions work for us.
I hope you have a great day! Praying for you!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
