Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

Hi Pommy,

I don't have any good advice for you right now... it is such a crazy, crazy time. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. And anything that increases your anxiety is probably not a good thing...feels a little like you are getting the short end of the stick on both sides, the anxiety of him MO and then not actually getting the space on your own because he's encroaching.

Hang in there. Hug your kids

Thank you AS and CW. I’m trying to stand firm. He spent 12 hrs at the house with us yesterday as we are all in lockdown. He has been very tactile, touching my arm a few times as he goes past, and spent a fair amount of time being man about the house (washed out the kitchen bins and a few chores!). When he went late in the evening however, the anxiety kicked in pretty bad. It was like the weekly city trip all over again. I imagined him spending the rest of his day texting OW (if she still exists).

We had a fall out today. I went out for a bike ride and when I got back to the house he had turned up unannounced to use the gym equipment. I told him it wasn’t appropriate and that he had made his choice not to live here and he couldn’t now have his cake etc. He said that given the situation (lockdown) he thought I’d help him out. I simply said that sure it’s an inconvenience that you don’t get a choice in, but you’ll just have to live without weights for awhile, just like I have to live without a husband. He then replies “well I have to live without a wife”. Wtf it was his decision!

I later sent a text to explain I couldn’t be his friend right now as everytime he walked in and out again it hurt all over again , and that I need space and time to heal. (He’s been MO 13 days...I’ve seen him on 12 of those!)

He replied to say he was sorry he’d made me feel like that and that he has been missing my company, which has confused him.

I haven’t replied. I don’t know how to validate or if I should?

I don't have much advice in how to proceed. I would tend to let it drop but I would get the advice of someone more vetted here.

The confusion is a hard thing to digest for sure but ask yourself... is that better than telling you that he doesn't miss your company?

I think AS is right... he is feeling you slip away.

Sorry not much help - HUGS!

Hi Pommy,

I’ve been following your sitch I would say to wait a couple of hours and then respond simply “I could see how that could be confusing” and leave it at that. Do not all of him to pull you into an exchange about this. If he responds again just leave it be for today.

I’d say “thank you for the apology.” And just leave it at that. What I’d really want to say is “that is too bad you are missing me now that you moved out, and you’re confused?? Can you imagine how confused I am??”

But yeah. Def do not say anything like the latter. Ha.

Or you don’t even have to respond.

KitKat, Hope, Wooba, May

Thanks for your support. Feeling rock bottom right now. I replied to H at 8am, thanked him for his understanding and validated his feelings too.

I later contacted to him to explain that D16 was going to be contacting him because xyz issue and I needed him to know the backstory so he got the full picture. Said that D13 was also struggling with her depression. And then I said I was struggling too. And we exchanged a few texts about how we were feeling but nothing specifically about how we felt about each other, M, S etc. Feel like I really pushed him away last night. And that it was a bad thing to do as I wasn’t showing him my best side.

Long weekend ahead in lockdown!!

Hope you guys all have a lovely weekend insofar as you can at this time of marital and C19 stress!

Hey Pommy
I've been thinking about you. So I see H is really not doing well with physical boundaries. You're doing such a great job with standing your ground but I do wonder if maybe there is a less dig into the marriage falling apart way to respond when he's crossing those boundaries, like him pretending he lives in two homes. I was thinking maybe you could approach it more like he's an annoying roommate. I've been suggesting that to a lot of people lately, because it seems like tensions are higher than usual for this site and everyone is struggling with not engaging. So like in the instance of him just dropping in to use the home gym like he still lives there maybe you could've approached it like "Hey I understand we're all dealing with lock down and we're all having to make concessions. But you have to remember you happened to make the decision to move out right before this all got crazy. You don't actually live here. I can be reasonable given the circumstances, and the kids want to see you, so if you want to use the gym equipment that's fine, but you can't just waltz whenever you like. You need to be asking if you can come over to use the equipment, and if that works for all of us here." I know we're not supposed to be appeasing them or whatever but I think there's a pretty broad line between appeasement and being reasonably accommodating. I won't live by the principle that you do nothing kind because they haven't been kind to you. But that's your call. I just want you to look like the rational, reasonable one so his crazy pants ridiculousness can shine bright while he's lying there alone thinking about you guys and the life he so desperately wanted to leave but can't seem to actually walk away from.

Hey Pommy,

Just chiming in to second what Wayfarer said. I deal with smaller versions of the gym equipment thing with H all the time. He hasn’t lived here in almost 2 YEARS and he still does weird things like help himself to food, go through the hall closer to find things, getting in the bath tub with our daughter. It’s BIZARRE and confusing and actually really annoying. I totally get the strong the urge to want to shout “you can’t do that! You don’t live here! You chose to leave!” but every time I’ve reacted that way I’ve regretted it after.
Wayfarer is right, the more calmly and casually you can handle it (because I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t bring it up) the more he has to examine what he’s doing and why, rather than focusing on your reaction to it.

Last night H went into my kitchen and helped himself to cookies D4 and I had baked. My ego was like “F***K THAT YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS” but I just gave him a slightly odd look “ like huh, that’s weird for you to do” and didn’t say a word.

Thanks both, yes I think I could have been more compassionate and gentler than I was in my delivery of basically telling him to leave. However as AS said, he is cake eating, whether he intends to or not, and in my head I can hear the annoying whine of OW (because when he accidentally butt-dialled me one time he was out with her and she was telling him when he should and shouldn’t answer my calls) telling him “it’s your house too, you can go there when you like, do what you like, you pay for it too, don’t let her stop you” etc etc. Of course this could all be in my mind but it is what is driving my anger and mistrust right now.

He arrived earlier to collect the kids, he asked if I was ok, are you sure etc, so
I said I was fine, I was upbeat , he told me about his day, I know he likes sharing this stuff with me. He was tactile again and also gave me a hug. I gave him a piece of steak for dinner and a bag of popcorn so He didn’t have to go to the supermarket and queue outside in the cold to get in!!

I feel better now I’ve had a monumental cry!!

Oh Pommy I had to rush back over to clarify my comment. I didn’t mean at all that I thought you needed to be more compassionate toward him than you are already are!

I just meant to say it’s more effective DBing to not allow yourself to get too rattled and triggered by his doing things like using the gym equipment. Not out of compassion for him, but for yourself. The more you can give calm reactions to those things (while still holding your boundaries) the less ammo he has to vilify you and the more he is forced to face his own behavior. I hope that makes sense