"What if she sees me leaving her alone and assumes I'm not interested any more?"
Statistically that is the most likely thing to attract her back. Google exgfrecovery.
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making an effort to focus on the positives in me will help bring her viewpoint back to a more normal point. I don't want to win, I don't want to invalidate her, I don't want to control her, I just want to say "Have you seen this idea before? Maybe it is worth considering." I guess that is too much?
Super huge cheeseless tunnel here. I highly doubt she is going to do that right now. But I remember trying to tell my W that too. Trust me brother, she doesn't want to hear that "stuff".
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I don't know how to put forward an alternative view or plan without it being taken as controlling or invalidating.
That's because there is not a way. Learn to validate better, my favorites:
"I get that" "I can understand that" "I'd be upset too" "That's really annoying/frustrating/etc"
Read the validation thread often, tailor it to your style.
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Unfortunately we do not see much of each other now and it is the kids who tell me about how angry and upset my wife gets recalling past events. I'm not there at the time and not meant to know, so I can't easily get into a position to validate.
Most WAS's are doing this. Of course they aren't thinking of the good times right now, and you can't change this, so don't even try. Put that energy into a productive channel.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Remember this: Most things that work are counter-intuitive.
As far a validation. Practice with your kids. Make your goal in life to validate your kids feelings. Listen to them and reflect back how they feel with your words.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Really sorry to hear about this. A bolt out the blue is just what this is.
You'll find a lot of helpful people on the forum.
Thanks Drh.
It really was a bolt from the blue for me. I thought everything was okay. Looking everywhere for advice I've repeatedly found this is how it happens for a lot of men. And as Michelle says in her writings, the crazy thing is that it's the one event that sends a signal to men that they finally recognise, and act on, but it's all too late.
Now I've read a million articles and quite a few marriage books, I actually have an idea how to be a much, much better husband. Even though I didn't see the problems in our marriage, in hindsight it was flat and unexciting. It didn't have the spark of joy it should've had. I get very excited thinking about how differently I'd do things in the future, and how good our marriage could be. That's jumping ahead though. I learned not to share any insights or hopes with my wife as she's not at that place yet and can't see it ever happening. I dare not mention such things as she almost seems to take it as a challenge to ensure the opposite happens.
It's the same for me. My WW came in after midnight recently after "going out with friends" - she has OM. Instead of reacting and asking questions I simply responded.
I don't hold out hope of reconciling - at least not till I've left the house.
I don't go on any other forum except this one as it the only one that accurately depicts the wayward spouse and how to deal with them, thanks to Sandi. The only thing this forum promises is that you will be a better man if you follow the advice.
I like to think that no matter what the outcome, we all better ourselves by following the DB'ing principles. I'll even give it the mtb guarantee...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Make yourself into a person only a fool would leave.
I'm working on it! Not sure what to do about the thinning hair (it's all there but viewed from certain angles looks like clumps are missing. W pointed told me she "doesn't like bald men."
Originally Posted by LH19
You are trying to use logic and reason with an emotional human being.
Time and space are the only things that turns these things around long term.
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Statistically that is the most likely thing to attract her back.
Thanks everyone. I need reminders like these. I keep feeling like I have to spring into action and I keep having to tell myself that doing nothing is actually doing something.
Originally Posted by Drh2001
As far a validation. Practice with your kids. Make your goal in life to validate your kids feelings. Listen to them and reflect back how they feel with your words.
That's a really great idea, and a win-win for everyone. It's also one of those things I should be doing anyway for people that I love so it's a growth point/change point too.
Originally Posted by LH19
Any forum that promises reconciliation is a scam and should be avoided.
Oh man, how many stupid videos are out there promising total reconciliation success if we only sign up and send them our money? It's terrible!
Okay, so the wife was away with the kids recently visiting her mother. She texted to say she wanted us to stop having a joint bank account and to separate the finances.
Getting the text was a hammer blow as it seems to be just another step towards permanent separation. She's told me in the past she's on the fence about working on the marriage or calling it quits, but keeps taking these steps that all lead towards one specific outcome.
I guess there is no point in asking her to leave it for now, given she says she's in a holding pattern? As much as it saddens me it can be undone later and I imagine the request might be seen as controlling?
