Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Through The Storm III

Hey friends. This week has been traumatic and devastating on so many levels. The destructive tornado that tore through my state this week killed dozens. Hundreds of homes were lost in my town and so many people have lost their lives and loved ones. I have never experienced such tragic events that hit so close to home. We have come together as a community, but the loss is indescribable. I have friends that lost entire homes and unbelievably survived. Houses being picked up and carried football fields before exploding. Heavy week. Ww lost a co-worker and her son. It was a close friend of her AP. They resumed contact as a result. After contact resumed on Tuesday, she told me that she thinks she needs to be on her own to heal. This back and forth is getting so old. She said she isn't going to be with AP, but I'm still scared. They volunteered today together gathering supplies for victims. I don't know how to feel. I feel like a real jerk that I'm angry about it because there is so much loss and it feels petty. I don't know if I can stand for this much longer. I'm ok, just feeling depressed and little blue. This week has made me so thankful for all that I do have in my life and for the fact that those I love are still alive and breathing - others weren't so lucky.

KG

Hey KG, I'm so sorry. That's so much to handle and process.

It's not petty to be thinking yourself when others are suffering. It's all intertwined, and pain on earth is simultaneous. I am sure from what you've shared you are of course mourning the devastation to your community. You are not callous for thinking of your own feelings as well in this moment.

Maybe find your own way to give back to your community during this time, and in a way that has no possibility of interacting with AP. We come into ourselves when connected to the world around us, and this is a time your community needs you and you need your community. I strongly suggest you find new connections through this work right now, interact with new faces.

Oof--Kristin, so sorry. The fear is valid and it's likely she'll repeat her wily pasts ways--but I'm not sure you have a better play here than giving her space without pressure as you GAL. Love Yail's idea of volunteering to help you community and hopefully making or nurturing some new friendships along the way.

Hey Kristin -

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Life can deal some pretty significant punches in rapid succession sometimes.

I think Yail has a great idea. Volunteering is a great way to get out of your headspace and do something for the community, especially after a tragedy. I've worked for Habitat for Humanity several times. It really puts things into perspective, plus you get to help others improve their lives.

As far as WW goes - it may be best for your own sanity to work on detachment now. Let her go do what she feels she needs to do. It cannot be good for your own well being for her to keep running back to AP all the time. I think she has to fear losing you.

Stay strong, Kristin - and take care

Thanks guys. It's really hard. I have been working all week with victim pets and relocating lost animals. I have so many stories. Stories of families that lost a pet and somehow were pulled from the wreckage. Stories where pets were found in really rough shape and we were able to save them is some way and reunite them. Stories where the most fragile pets were somehow found in the wreckage and delivered to their families. It's makes the horrors of lost children a little easier. I have plans to volunteer tomorrow with a donation center accepting trucks of donations for families. I don't know how to react to my personal life, but I know what I can do to help.

KG

I think that's actually best right now - not reacting to your personal life. Put your focus on everything for yourself. You are emotionally exhausted from your own journey as well as the recent tragedy. i hope you can give yourself permission to set it aside and just not give a flying fig about that part of your life right now. Right now you have more important things to process such as the safety and well-being and healing of your neighbors. Ultimately, I think the focus on healing in that area will subconsciously feed the healing in other areas.

HI KG, just adding my voice to say how hard this must be and I'm thinking of you. I third (fourth?) Yail's recommendation... pouring yourself into helping others as you're doing will help you as much as it helps others. Take care of yourself too. Let yourself feel the joy of finding the lost pets and reuniting them with their families even in the face of such devastating loss around you. Find connections in the people working alongside of you. I wish we could be there to volunteer with you.

We spent all day Saturday volunteering unloading truckloads of supplies and donations. Manual labor that felt really good. Ww was avoiding me all day while working. We went out for dinner and drinks with the volunteers after everything was finished and all night ww seemed distant and cold. She made it clear that she cannot continue to do this. I made it clear that I am so tired of being in love with someone that is in love with another person. NC started yesterday morning and she seems resolute in wanting to end things with me. I know, I know, "told you so" galore. I'm so broken hearted even though I know that, at the end of the day, I deserve to be with someone better. Someone who values commitment and understands what it is to love. Not the initial "oh I'm so in love with you" feelings, but to really love. To place that person's needs above your own, to sacrifice your own desires if it is not beneficial to your relationship. She was that person with me for so many years and now it's like I don't even know her. I feel so defeated and lost. Time to go back to the basics and piece my life together. I'm fairly certain she is now pursuing a full blown relationship with AP. Send me some love guys - it feels like a BD all over again (why does this never get easier?!).

KG

Hey Kristin,

I know that feeling when once again, you're back to square one after another trip on the roller coaster. Remember, you get to decide what you think, how you act, and how you feel. If your attitude is aligned with this, you make it happen.

Everyone takes a loss once in a while, it's part of playing any game. Staying even keeled, not too high and not too low, is always important to keep in mind.

I know how easy it is to look to her, hoping she'll just come back. Don't feel and react, think and act always. Take the time and space you need and she needs and get to a better place.

Yeah Ovr, I know. It's just so hard when I thought that we were finally working on recon. I was basically living with her for 2 months, she asked me to wear my ring again, and began wearing hers. We were having fun, laughing, and making plans for our future. Now this. I know her heart still was very wounded and she was grieving the loss of AP. Those things take time. A few weeks of NC just doesn't make it go away and, more importantly, doesn't make those "in love" feelings return to the marriage. That is the part that takes work from both sides. I feel like even though I was trying very diligently NOT to get my hopes up, and to not place any expectations on our relationship, I did. And now once again I feel crushed. I'm doing a good job trying to stay focused on the things I know that I need right now.