Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 1st Anniversary of Limbo, Indecisive WAH (part 2)

((Hugs Pommy)). That's some hard convos and hard things to hear. Please hear me when I say that you are strong. H really does believe the things he is saying... in the moment he says them. It helps me to remember that whenever WS is flipping and flopping in their confusion. I agree, H sounds like he is unhappy within himself. In order for any healing (him) to occur, he has to work through those feelings and find his own path for happiness. When the crazy calms down, that could be his family (or maybe not). I'll be thinking of you. I'm sorry you're having a round few days for sure.

KG

Oh Pommy, I'm sorry he's dragging you down with him for this ride. And if I could hug you I would. I think a lot of us are in the space where the WS thinks this old life is the cause of their misery and only a new life can fix it. While they do nothing to change literally anything else about themselves or other aspects of their lives. I think you're right this is the time where you drop the rope and plan that life with out him. You gotta let him just him go if he wants to go no matter how much it hurts. And lord do I know it hurts. They behave like caged animals if they feel like they are tethered to this old life, and in the long run that's going to hurt you more. But remember that GALing and detaching is for you. Keeping you safe, sane, and positive moving through this mess. You got this. You've been dealing with this for a year. You have the strength of a goddess. You will pick yourself up and dust yourself off and persevere.

I realised this today. He has a chronic sports injury; he has spent a huge amount of time seeing specialists (consultants, surgeons, physiotherapists: sports injury therapists), researching on the internet, trying different remediation and recovery techniques, understanding the injury, the causes,how to prevent it, etc. He had a recurring issue with his beloved car...again, countless phone calls, internet searches, learning, understanding, finding a solution, yadda yadda. He has a problem in his marriage ....<<<deathly silence>>>... there is nothing that can fix it except burying head in sand and walking away. And maybe he’s right, maybe nothing can fix his marriage, just like nothing may fix his sports injury...but the contrast in the approach is remarkable. To me it’s like saying I have an injury, the only thing I can do is amputate my limb.

I’ve moved him into the spare room. He sulked. He then talked about wishing he could erase some of the past and make it good again. He hung around the MBR and asked if I was going to show him the new shoes arrived today. I said no, not tonight,

I feel stronger already. And I LOVE that you called me a goddess because after a year of this I feel like a failure, an undesirable, needy middle-aged woman, not good enough for my H, who wants s.o. else to do my job. Maybe I am a goddess: he’s been demoted by me to the spare room, and I have goddess shoes too :-))

Cardinal and KG, you are both spot on. He needs to find out for himself, he needs the space, he needs reality to bite. He might love it, he might hate it. But something has to break the cycle - we have been going round in circles for months. I may come to realise that I do not need him like I think I do, it’s all an unknown.

He came home about 3 weeks ago and told me that a close friend had separated from his wife of 15 years. Friend had moved into an apartment. H said his friend was the first person he had confided in who was going through the exact same situation (loss of love); H realised that he too needed separation.( H then never did anything about separating). H announces tonight that friend and wife are getting back together. H concludes that seaparation is not always final. My response might have once been relief that often people who separate DO reconcile. Instead I said, that’s brilliant, maybe he has some furniture that you can buy off him!!

Oh Pommy. HUGS. You are absolutely a goddess.


Ugh. My H has been the same way. Growth mindset in every space of his life except for how he feels about me. And also his feelings are unchangeable and the most important thing in the world in this one area, whereas everywhere else "emotions cloud judgment." In fact he told ME to try not to let my emotions cloud my judgment re our R. Bahahahaha. All you can do is laugh.

Your H just sounds so confused and I do think you need to do everything you can to remove yourself from getting dragged around in his circus. If that means planning your life w/o him, then that is what you should do. Hang in there.


LOL perfect!!

That is a GREAT analogy! It is so spot-on. This is one of the most perplexing mysteries here is why soooooo many previously loving spouses go rogue and literally do not want to lift a single finger to try and save their marriage. It's so bizarre, all these years later I know I'll never know "why" but it still blows my mind. Not just in my sitch but in the many others here as well. One thing that comes across pretty clearly is that most of the LBS's that find their way here are good-hearted, loyal, loving people. People that most people would be very happy to be married to. Who would leave that to pursue some vague fantasy of something better? It's a mystery.



A lot of us come here feeling like losers. Part of our recovery is learning that what our spouses are going through is similar to a mental illness, and that it's more about them than it is us. That's not to say we should ignore what we did wrong or not change anything about ourselves, we should use this as a reason to make ourselves into better people. But at the end of the day hardly any of us were so bad that we deserve being dumped without warning and without a chance to do something about it.

I know this is absolutely what I need to do but it hurts like h3ll and right now I feel so sick (it’s 2am and I can’t sleep).

I didn’t make contact with H all day, after I had left for work. He slept in the spare room, I cleared the top of his bedside cabinet and put his things in the drawer. Maybe that was cruel, but I was feeling like this is my MBR now, you’re choosing not to be in it. I knew he went to see the rental at 10am but I didn’t contact him to ask how it went. He txt me about 3pm to ask if I was ok. I replied 2 hrs later just to say yes, good thanks. He tried to call about 6pm but I ignored it. I then came home at 7pm and he commented that I was late so I simply said yeah, busy day, and left it at that.

He’s decided to take the rental which left me a bit shocked but I said it sounded cool. His response was well not really, and proceeded to tell me how down and depressed he feels about it all, frightened, fearful, but that he needed to step back and press the reset button and get out if this cycle of emotions.. I validated but didn’t enter into further conversation about it, other than when he asked what I thought about it and I said in a positive tone that something needs to break the cycle. I feel like I said the wrong thing. Or did I? I’vepreviously been very clear that it’s not what I want but today I’ve shown him the IDGAF attitude.

We discussed what he would tell the children. He said he will say that he loves me but he’s not sexually attracted to me. (Here we go again .). Then he realised how utterly ridiculous and inappropriate that was for two young teenage girls. He needs to rethink that one. I’ve made it clear that I don’t in any way support his decision to leave, that there’s no “we” have decided -it’s all him.

I’m so angry with him for choosing this path right now. D15 has final year exams in 12 weeks and D 13 has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I’m pretty sure this is in part related to her home life - she must sense something. She is very clingy and constantly asking for us to do things as a family. It’s school hols this week and she is pushing and pushing for the 4 of us to spend some days together, and so disappointed when I said it might be just dad taking you to xxx, or.just mum.

I know I can’t stop what is happening, I’m just in disbelief that we are actually breaking up. The pain of thinking this is final is too much to bear right now. Trying so hard not to venture into spare room at 2am and initiate a R talk,which would inevitably be me pleading with him not to go. I don’t think I have ever pleaded with him up to now, but the urge is really strong

Pommy, I’m sorry that you’re feeling sick. Stay in your room, don’t go to him. Do not plead, you know your mind is not in the right place right now. Let your pain and anger settle.

Your daughters probably sense something. Not matter what, be the anchor for them. It is hard because you can only count on yourself now, but you can do it. Lots of hugs to you, hope you feel better soon.

((((Pommy)))) Everything seems so much worse in the middle of the night, too. I haven’t been through this moment yet with my H, but I have absolutely hit that wall of disbelief, anger, sadness... again and again. It sounds like you’re DBing with grace despite all the hurt you’re feeling right now, totally understandably. And anger—what your H wanted to tell the children—wth? At least he realized how ridiculous and inappropriate that would be, I guess? Geez.

You’re right, don’t go in that spare room. Have faith that if H can get his act together and realize the wonderful woman and family he’s missing out on, he needs to go through this process and feel the loss. I know it hurts so much. Try reading some hopeful posts you have bookmarked. Listen to a calming podcast. Pray. Know that you are not alone, even though it’s dark right now. Just take it minute by minute. You can do this!

Oh hunny. Here’s the deal. It’s a marathon not a sprint. They say that it isn’t over until it’s over for a reason. Separation doesn’t mean it’s over. For some people divorce doesn’t even mean it’s over. Some crazy people divorce more than once and remarry. This isn’t over until you’ve both moved on. This separation could be the absolute best thing for both of you. Maybe it’s what gets this back now track. Maybe it’s what gets you over him and all your hopes for a future with him. Your marriage died a year ago. This is just one step in the process of M2.0 or one step in you waking away a whole, healthy, happy Pommy.

Pommy you cry all you want. Scream. Yell. This is h3ll. And I’m so sorry none of us can hug you for real. But you keep your cool around him like you have been. You were so so strong today. You will be strong tomorrow when you need to be. And the next day. I wish you weren’t hurting like this but you have to know you’re going to be ok. There are no promises that your H will be though. Sending you all my love.