Continuing from my previous post...................................I only thought I knew what a WW was, but I didn't grasp the development. It was too easy to say these women were not God-fearing ladies, or they were unbelievers. Yes, sin is always the root, but how much does it help to give that answer to a spouse whose MR is falling apart, due to his wayward wife? How did she get this way? Will she change back to the old wife? What can he do?
Whenever a man has a WW who has moved out of the marital home, I would tell him to not trust anything she says, and only believe half of what his eyes actually see.
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I know why women date, to get their emotional fix in first, then physical, to put it lightly. Maybe, just maybe she is trying to get her self feeling better about herself after years of depression and uncertainty in our relationship.
I'm not disagreeing with what you are saying. I just want you to realize that if she's wayward, then more than likely, she's not going into this dating life the same person as you knew coming out of her first MR.
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When she showed me all of her EA stuff, even after I looked at one part of it, it wasnt what I expected an EA to be.. Very vanilla. No sex, no nothing from her. Very lady like. But, he was very much a predator to me as I saw what he was doing. He was catering to her feeling positive, from education to career success. He has the highest of educational degrees from one of the top colleges in the the US. He is very smart, and well spoken. He did cross the line a couple times, and she immediately shut him down. He did ask to meet up, but in another state, she shot him down.. If a woman was hitting on me like this, and I was in her state of mind, I would have been weak and went.. She didnt.. Maybe she is that .00001% woman, maybe not. But, until crap hits the fan, I will just wait and see what happens once separation paperwork is actually signed.
So, she immediately shut this guy down, whereas, she didn't stop the other inappropriate man? Whatever, let me spell out this way. More than likely, she is not going to show hot-nasty-sex-filled messages from OM to her faithful H. FWIW, my OM could have been described exactly the same as this man. As for your W immediately shutting him down? She either manipulated the messages she showed you, or she has no interest in pursuing further contact with him. B/c when she is turned on by what he is saying........she's not going to shut him down. There is one possibility, but it's a reach. If she is pretending she is this nice lady-like jewel that would slap a man's face if he ever said something inappropriately, then that could be her way of warming up. However, I come closer to believing she used it to fool you. After all, you saw one side of her......the real lady.....and should she discover she needs to ignite Plan B, it wouldn't help if you saw her true colors. Therefore, she's going to keep you from knowing the real guy who makes her hot, and show you the vanilla guy. I know, you are probably thinking that you've known her 30 yrs and I've never even met her. That's true, but if your W is wayward........I, pretty much, have her number.
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I do believe my wife. She is a straight shooter.
Currently, you can't afford to believe her. You are describing the wife she once was. I hope some day she'll change back to the woman you knew, but right now, she's not that gal. When I refer to her true colors or showing this new side of herself, I mean that she has changed. You say you know it, but yet, you still talk about her as if she was the same woman you met 30 yrs ago. This woman has had a change of heart/mind. The thing is, it is possible for her to come to her senses and start trying to work her way back to reality. The WW is wrapped up in a world of fantasy, and she doesn't want to deal with her old life, and old M any longer. That's what I want you to understand here. You have to realize she is not straight shooter. Not currently, anyway.
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I know she has a hardened heart, is not trusting her heart with me, angry and just doesnt want to trust anyone to the degree of how vulnerable she was when we married. Terrifies her, as she is fearful of a repeat. We have talked. Without counseling , it took years from her first marriage to accept someone in her life.
Why wouldn't she trust her own heart with you? These are things I see some H's say, and I think it is their way of trying to accept what's happened. What have you done to her that invokes such fear she couldn't allow herself to trust anyone? So, she had a rotten first M, and maybe a second M. She's terrified of a repeat........yet, she is anxious to start dating, and has had at least one EA (that you know about)......and she text messages other men.
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I think I have the trifecta of wives. WAS, MLC and Depressed..MIL stated she was/has been losing allot of weight, and is waking up every morning with the impending doom, and acutely aware of her life being screwed up( for over a year). She is at the age too for MLC..
A lot of newcomers try to diagnose their W with having WAW syndrome, MLC, depression, and blame anti-depressants or menopause. I'm not saying she doesn't have some of those issues, I'm just saying I don't think they are WAW, MLC, and WW all at the same time. I think you may be trying, like many other LBH's, to figure out what's wrong with her. From what others have told me, they had rather their W be anything except a WW. My response is that WW's can change their minds MUCH faster and go running back home quicker than a WAW or MLCW.
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I hope when I go through MLC people recognize it and get me through it..
So, you plan on having a MLC???? I hope you will be able to see it as a transition in life, and not a crisis.
Sandi, you have brought many things to like and perspective. I do truly appreciate it. One can only hope she will come back. I am very anxious for her to come back, but, allot has changed, and trust has been taken away. Here are some answers to your above statements. Sorry everything is so jumbled. Hopefully you can sift through it.
The EA happened after she moved out. Its an affair, I agree. She gravitated towards his words after discovery phase, about 2 years ago. He asked her to go on trips, to meet etc, but she chose not to..One of them was over seas, and I know she didnt go due to passport not being stamped. She told me she couldnt do it, because she knew it would end up being seuxual and she felt slimy, etc and just couldnt. She did entertain the lifestyle he protrayed to her, money, homes, travel etc. But when I confronted him, and he blocked her, unfriended her she saw that as a sign of what he really wanted, which was more than the EA she was having with him. She said the way he treated her after unfriending her, blocking her and refusing to text back after the incident was not a good thing in her eyes, like a red flag. Its what she says. Then, a couple months later, she showed me her phone, no number in her phone, no messages, no facebook, nothing. Thats all I have, I didnt ask or look for that at all. I saw it as a EA, and thats how I have been treating it. To the best of my experience. I have read extensively on EAs. I see them as what they are, a very serious affair for a woman. Not so much a man, as men are more physical needing, and this affair was her having a relationship with a man after she fired me as husband and left me. Her affair with this guy was pure chance, as he was referred to her by realtor in Boston to invest in properties in Charleston. The realtor works same company. They did VTC with brokers etc and after that, their relationship started. He started the discovery phase about her life, marriage etc and she let it flow... My wife was extremely faith filled, till our marriage fell apart, and she hasnt been faith filled for a while. She feels God did not help her marriage. Her opinion, her choice. If my wife was having a physical affair, i would have found out by now, as far as a WW is concerned. She has one medical condition and possibly another, which does make that harder to do. She can, and she is quite capable, but working 6 to 7 days a week to be independent and self sufficient financially takes allot out of her. Anythings possible though. She did leave me with the the youngest daughter and they live together. Yongest daughter and I are very close. She is the one that needs to realize she needs to come home and heal with me, I cant tell her that. I am in IC right now, even though only one session.. Travel makes it difficult. She has stated she wants IC, but, as of yet, I have no idea. I think she is telling me what I want to hear. My oldest daughter and I fought allot. No physical at all, except the time she hit me.. I didnt hit back. She was a rebel, and belittled her, and tried to control her as she was doing drugs, alcohol and things I didnt approve of. This was her 9th through 11th grade, and when she broke her jaw skateboarding, that all changed. But when I moved back to home from retiring she and I started to get along better. It took time, and after her child was born, that was our catalyst to really get along. People are very happy as to where we are now..
Sandi, I would like to say thanks. You have no idea how much you really help people, and myself by bringing your experience, and light to the subjects at hand. Thnx again.
Okay, so I am still a little baffled why she feels the need to show you her phone activity, if you have not asked to see. What is she trying to prove? Does she ever ask to see your phone?
Anyway, you are doing the GAL, and you on your way home, so you will be able to spend time with your kids. During this period of separation, do you and your W get together for "family activities"? If so, how do you feel about it? IMHO, if you've been separated close to three years, and things appear to be standing still, you might have to shake it up just a little. I very seldom encourage inviting the W to join the LBH when doing things "as a family".........when there has been no signs that she has changed her mind. I see it as cake eating for her, b/c she gets to enjoy these times of "togetherness" with the family, but it doesn't move her emotional needle about reconciling the MR. Therefore, you might consider not inviting her to join in activities you've planned with the kids. At the same time, you wouldn't join the activities that she plans. The point here is to show a more realistic picture of how divorce looks. The divorced spouses do not continue sharing each other's family traditions, holidays, special events, etc.
Does your W ever come over to your house, the marital home? I mean, does she go into the house? Have all her personal belongings been removed?
Have you changed anything inside the house? For example........ replaced any old pictures that are on the walls or tables with something else; replace your bedspread with a new, manly look; rearrange some of the furniture to suit your likening; or rearrange the kitchen pantry/cabinets that better suits you.
How long will you be home, before you have to leave again? If you haven't planned for some rock'n times with the kids, as well as your own GAL, then I encourage you to look for local events in the area, get your calendar out and write it down. When you don't have the kids, take advantage of doing something you've never tried, or have stopped since being married.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
P.S. to my previous post. If you usually go inside her current house to pick up the kids, could you start waiting in the car or outside somewhere until the kids are ready to leave? You could always use that time to look at something on your phone.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am new to this and need advice/help. My husband left 3 months ago when I discovered his affair. He said he is in line with her, doesn't want to fix our marriage and wants a divorce. Two months after discovery I filed for divorce since he refused to end the affair. Since then, he's been super friendly with me. Calls to check in to say hi, we go to happy hour, enjoy family meals with our young daughter. But he's still with the affair partner and wants to go ahead with the divorce.
I am doing the LRT including GAL. He noticed how much more of a social life I have now and says that it proves I'm better off without him. What do I do? I'm so angry at him for just walking away from our family and life together. Everytime I see him it just reminds me of what I'm losing. I want him to come home but I don't think this affair fog has lifted yet.
P.S. to my previous post. If you usually go inside her current house to pick up the kids, could you start waiting in the car or outside somewhere until the kids are ready to leave? You could always use that time to look at something on your phone.
I dont even know where she lives, and the kids meet me here or at my In Laws on Monday, as that is the 3 years olds day with me.
Okay, so I am still a little baffled why she feels the need to show you her phone activity, if you have not asked to see. What is she trying to prove? Does she ever ask to see your phone?
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It was a two time thing. Not sure if she is trying to prove anything, but maybe she erased everything to show she can. Doesn’t mean she is over him. Only time will tell. She never asks to see my phone. I wouldn’t care if she did.
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Anyway, you are doing the GAL, and you on your way home, so you will be able to spend time with your kids. During this period of separation, do you and your W get together for "family activities"? If so, how do you feel about it? IMHO, if you've been separated close to three years, and things appear to be standing still, you might have to shake it up just a little. I very seldom encourage inviting the W to join the LBH when doing things "as a family".........when there has been no signs that she has changed her mind. I see it as cake eating for her, b/c she gets to enjoy these times of "togetherness" with the family, but it doesn't move her emotional needle about reconciling the MR. Therefore, you might consider not inviting her to join in activities you've planned with the kids. At the same time, you wouldn't join the activities that she plans. The point here is to show a more realistic picture of how divorce looks. The divorced spouses do not continue sharing each other's family traditions, holidays, special events, etc.
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I am not a fan of the family gatherings( I love everyone though, so dont take that part wrong), as I am starting to feel like third wheel. I really like my In Laws, they are awesome. But, they are hands off the relationship, so none of us discuss it I purposely didn’t do Thanksgiving and everyone wanted to know why. . She doesnt like this event, as the BIL and her sister invite his side of the family and she feels left out, with the exception of her Mom/Dad, daughters and sister. Christmas we did do
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Does your W ever come over to your house, the marital home? I mean, does she go into the house? Have all her personal belongings been removed?
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She does come over, as she had to take care of the animals while I was away. Almost all of her stuff is gone. Stuff here is storage items. When she comes over during other times, its to see her cats, our cats, as they are her world. Her new place has a dog, due to my daughters boyfriend getting her one. So, the cats cant live there. And, this is their home. I take real good care of them. They were left in a box in a trash can in Hawaii, and my wife adopted them after going to t shelter for animals.
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Have you changed anything inside the house? For example........ replaced any old pictures that are on the walls or tables with something else; replace your bedspread with a new, manly look; rearrange some of the furniture to suit your likening; or rearrange the kitchen pantry/cabinets that better suits you.
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Nothing has been changed. I am a minimalistic person, so no, nothing yet. I was thinking of changing bed covers and getting rid of furniture. In reality, I will be selling the house next year, at the beginning. She will be getting a buy out here soon as I have to refi to get her name off of deed.
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How long will you be home, before you have to leave again? If you haven't planned for some rock'n times with the kids, as well as your own GAL, then I encourage you to look for local events in the area, get your calendar out and write it down. When you don't have the kids, take advantage of doing something you've never tried, or have stopped since being married.
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6 weeks, then I return and am changing careers. I hate traveling, been doing it since 1989. Me and the youngest are going to do trip somewhere, its our thing we do, and dinners, lunches, fishing and gun range amongst some things. The oldest and I do weekly things with the kids. Nothing much. Lunches, and parks if weather permits.. I am going to start going out, to dinner, beach walks, hiking and fishing. Just living. Might even go bowling again, lol
Please start a thread so that people can post to you directly. By creating your own thread, you can track your progress and refer back to postings that are associated w/your situation.
Mach,
Sorry for the hi-jack.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am back in country, and these are the books I have now to start working. Divorce Busting The Divorce Remedy Change your life and everyone in it. In regards to my situation, which one should I start first etc. Thnx
